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| First Blog..The Insanity Begins
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Ok, so I don't really know what a Blog is, just that celebrities have them and you basically can use it to talk shit about people. I'm not ganna talk shit...actually I take that back...I probably will. But generally I'm nice...ok, I take that back, usually I'm not that friendly... after all, my usual saying is Pog Mo Eireannach Thoin... to whoever is Irish out there knows what that means.
I'm sitting here at my desk, it's 4 am (Hawaii time) and I haven't slept a wink. Every so often I become slightly manic to the point where I can't sleep and I'm up doing ten things at once... my head becomes cluttered with everything I should be doing. I think I am being productive only to find out when I come down from my manic high that I haven't accomplished anything except bags under my eyes.
I'm not bipolar or anything, at least I don't think I am But I do have Anxiety issues... fear of crowds.. fear of doing simple tasks, like making phone calls, or running errands. my hands sweat...my vision gets blurry and I just want to get as far away from civilization as I can. This happens at random. As much as I hate the feeling, It gives me an excuse to get away from people.
So, to change the subject, I found out a few days ago that an old, but good friend of mine who has liked me (as I him) since the third grade, has gotten engaged. We were very close as kids.... first dates.... our families were close, he was always there, we have history together. Unfortunately, I moved to Hawaii from Boston a few months before my 16th birthday. I'm 21 now (just turned 21 on the 20th of January, go me!) and haven't seen him since. Although we kept in touch... the longer I was away from him the more I fantasized about being with him. Crazy I know... but I couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed in Boston... maybe I'd be the one who was engaged to him...
Anyway, I've been planning on going back to Boston for good. So my fantasies of us were along the lines of; we'll see each other again, rekindle the flame that once was, fall in love and get married.... oh and have kids. LMAO. Now that I have written it down.. it literally made me laugh out loud to realize how naive I was...Am.
So him breaking the "good" news to me about his engagement has totally ruined my plans of happiness in my fairytale world. Oh did I mention I have a boyfriend. yeah, we'll get to him.
To come back to where I am now.. Ever since he told me about his plans of marriage and buying a house with this... she-devil, I have been wallowing in my own misery, staying up all night and sleeping all day.. being manic to try to forget this horrible reality slap in the face that I have lost what I thought I could get back.
To worsen the situation, I live with a schizophrenic mom, an almost handicapped grandmother and a slutty cat with 4 kittens. My mom's rapid deterioration of her sanity is rubbing off on me. I'm broke and jobless. I attend a retarded community college, while my friends party it up at big universities or are in the military making money. I don't have a car...or even a licence. My family is white trash... our saying is: "All Trash No Trailer."
So my life consists of living in an imaginary world of fantasies, trying to find a job that lasts more than a month, distracting my mom from the voices in her head, and spending any other available time with my current bf, who is my only escape beyond my imagination.
Today I have to drop my resume off and attempt to get an interview, all the while hiding the fact that I haven't slept in 24 hours. Thank god I just turned 21 cuz god damn I need a drink!!
Til next time,
Aloha |
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Posted by yousei on 2008-01-22 09:43:52 | Rating: | Views: 112
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Welcome to Thoughts !!
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Posted by Wayne
on 2008-01-22 09:56:11
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I am linking to your blog straight away i dont really know why lol , but maybe because some of your life experiances mirror my own or maybe the way you write is sooo infectious!....Take care!.
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Posted by DRAKON
on 2008-01-22 11:25:26
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Wow. I feel an instant similarity to your life. Both have our problems, and both dreams of "fairy tale" love is out the window. Blogs are meant to talk shit. They release our emotions when we don't really want to, because writing is something that really releases emotions. It's easier then talking about them.
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Posted by benne1ej
on 2008-01-22 15:25:59
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I need a drink too and Mahalo sister.
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Posted by warpedsoaper
on 2008-01-23 22:07:19
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