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It is what it is

Yeah not sure where I am anymore. I don't know what to say anymore. He spoke last week. He said he didn't love me the same way anymore. He said he thinks he can find someone that will make him happier.

That hurts. I had my best friend change my facebook password. I have not been on Facebook in over a week and have felt a tremendous feeling of relief. Not checking up on him every day is helping. Not seeing his face in our pictures helps. I deleted his number from my phone. I know his number by heart but knowing he does not exist in my phone makes me feel better. I deleted all the photos in my phone.

I returned all of his things I had.

He still has mine, but when I get time and money to get a uhaul and storage unit I will move it out.

I don't let myself wallow in the pain anymore. When I catch myself thinking about all the wonderful memories we had over the last 6 years, I quickly focus on the present. I stop my self thinking of what could have been. I don't think about the past or the future. I think about right now. Today. This second right now. I don't think about in a few hours. I can't.

I have the pain still but it's almost a somber feeling. It feels like a death that you knew was coming. Like a sick grandparent. You know it's going to happen. You don't want them to die but you know it's going to happen. And once they die you are filled with a somber feeling.

I am okay I think. I think I have accepted what has happened. He has made his decision and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't like it but it is what it is.

I can't make him love me. I can't make him come back. He knows that I love him, that I am still in love with him. He knows that I would change for him. He knows that I want to take care of him. He knows that I am sorry. He knows all of these things.

The ball is in his court. I am done talking to him. Knowing that we have the same friends, I expect we will see each other and we do we will be civil. That is all I can do for now.

If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

I realized he is miserable. Not just with me but with everything. He has a grudge towards life and himself. Until he can fully love and accept himself and his life he will never be able to love me or anyone else in his life.

I pray he finds what he is looking for. I pray that God melts his anger and puts peace in his heart. And when he wakes up one morning realizing what he has done, I hope he hurts.

I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone but him. I think he needs it. I believe he will in some way, one day realize he made a mistake. Whether or not it is tomorrow or 3 years from now, I don't care because I am living life moment by moment.

Posted by yourstruly on 2009-11-23 01:02:17 | Rating:

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Acceptance is a must when we find ourselves in this type of situation. It seems like you have taken that step. I know it hurts like an SOB, but that is the only choice they have left us.

Even if it doesn't feel like it at this very moment, you are on your way to recovery, it is a slow process and a painful one, but you will get there in time.

Keep moving ahead...time will heal your heart.

Guad

Posted by doggie58 on 2009-11-23 07:13:24

Thanks Guad. I read your comment and felt strong and then all of a sudden my sister's phone rang it and was Patrick's old ring tone on my phone. Just when I think I am ok and confident my heart sinks faster than the Titanic! Haha ugggghhhh. As usual thanks for all your support :)

Posted by yourstruly on 2009-11-23 13:11:56

Living life moment to moment really resounded with me. Like you said, who knows what will be decided down the road, but for now, THIS is your reality (even though it is a sucky situation). I know that I always get wrapped up in the emotions of the past and the hopes of the future, and then I forget that, oh ya, he left me and I am currenlty ALONE! Mine keeps acting pseudo-jealous about me hanging out with other men, but he isn't worried enough about it to ask me back, so I have to keep reminding myself that He (the love of my life and my ex) is not an option right now. Right now, I have to live like he will NEVER BE an option, because that is the only thing that I can do. I refuse to pine away for someone who isn't doing the same for me. Ok, that sounds really strong...please help me stick to it, lol. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but it sounds like you are making the right decisions. You haven't closed the door, but you can't live your life like you are with him when you aren't and waste all of your time. The only thing we have r sure is today. Thanks for helping me grasp that.

Posted by lostinfinding1 on 2009-11-23 17:59:50

You are right, you can't pine over him. You know what made me realize some of this? I watched 'He's Just Not That Into You' this weekend. Men are simple. If they want you they will have you. If they don't, they don't. It hurts but we can't think about the past...we are alone. And for now that is ok. It hurts but we are ok. We can do this! For now we will get through each day and when we do we will realize how well we have done.

Posted by yourstruly on 2009-11-23 21:05:35

I am so very proud of you! You have come so far. Guad is so right, acceptance is so important. You are definitely on your way to recovery. There will still be good days and some not so good but you sounds so much better right now.

Am I simple? Not sure. I sometimes am but other times I'm so complicated even I don't know what's going on in my head.

Posted by jonbrokenhearted on 2009-11-23 21:30:06