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| Desperate Believer |
'I have a beautiful girlfriend, who always motivates me to do my best at everything, cares for me more than she does herself, and means the world to me.'
This is still on his myspace page. And it says we are still in a relationship. He wrote this about a year ago and I just can't stop thinking about what he wrote.
I am not crying and I am not sad. I am not even mad. I am just there. Here. Breathing. I almost feel like I am okay again.
Don't get me wrong, I still love him with all of my being but now it is just a different feeling. I can't really put words to this feeling. I didn't cry today in fact I woke up this morning with out a heavy pain in my chest. Now I just feel kind of hollow but the hollowness is slightly warm.
I guess I am content with what is going on. I wish I could see him, touch him, kiss him and love him, but I know I can't. And I guess that is okay.
I am sure tomorrow I will have a meltdown but who knows. For now I am getting through the day.
I had two friends of mine today tell me they were still in shock and thought we were 'perfect for each other' and 'great together.'
I know that but I don't know if that is true. I feel like everyone sees something that I don't. I love that boy and this sucks but I guess I am okay.
I realized today that I have to get all this out before my sleeping pills kick in. I either have to write it out or call someone and just chat. No more pillow talks with him. Now I let my fingers do the talking. So glad I have all of you out there...you keep me sane.
I pray that I am as strong and as 'content' tomorrow. I am still terrified that he is going to meet some girl. I hope he is a decent human being and won't hurt me like that just yet.
I am a desperate believer.
Silverchair-Straight Lines (you tube it-it's my theme song for the day)
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Posted by yourstruly on 2009-11-03 23:37:59 | Rating: | Views: 40
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