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After I turned everything off last night, my mind kept on working. I thought writing it down might help a little. I wasn't really right, but here is what I wrote:
Tonight isn't easy. Right now hust isn't easy. I have that feeling where I can't breathe. I just keep having that weight inside me, that pressure that crushes me. It feels like it wants to make my chest collapse. I don't know why I allow myself to think so much. I can't handle an anxiety disorder on top of my OCD problems now. But yet I know I have somehow developed an anxiety problem. I keep thinking, I just keep thinking.
Macbeth was a horrible book. But it keeps coming up in my mind. That class where my slightly crazy 11th grade English teacher brought up prophecies. It sticks in my mind. Should Macbeth wait for a prophecy to happen or go about making it happen for himself. I can't forget this stupid story and I can't forget how that ladt told my mom that my brother would work on Wall Street and I would wear a white coat. She was right, god she was right. His happened and I keep thinking about mine. It keeps seeming like it's impossible. I keep feeling like it's not going to happen. I failed Bio and so much rode on that. I have no room to screw up anywhere. I feel like only half of it can be blamed on me being lazy and the other half must be because it's really hard no matter what I do.
I thought I gave up on this, I thougnt I decided on something else. Did I really give it up? I just spent some time thinking do I want this? Do I really want this? Why do I want this? I've reasoned out that atleast part of this must be because doctors are the people you go to, hospitals are the places you go to, you go in your worst shape and come out better. They're the people that make things better. I want to be one of those people. I want people to know it's going to be okay because I'm there. That I'll do everything. That I can be the person to deal with some of the scariest moments in life.
Some stupid fortune cookie got me thinking about all of this again. It was slghtly ironic that one side said I would be crossing great waters and I'm literally going to be doing that in like a week when I fly back at the end of break. But ont he other side where they show you how to speak Chinese, it said "I am a doctor". Such insignificant things turn into really big things. Maybe it just got me to thinking that something I killed off in my mind really isn't dead.
I just wish I didn't have other things on top of this and I don't want to feel like I'm being crushed when I lie awake in bed at night because I can't sleep again because I don't even want to sleep anymore because I'm terrorized in my dreams. I wish it didn't feel like my mind was turning against me sometimes. I wish my body wasn't on my mind's side. It's bad enough to have asthma and the general scariness of not being able to breathe, but the stabbing pains aren't complimentary int he least. I guess the things we want the most are the things that absolutel cost our sanity and threaten to throw us over the edge.
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Posted by yellowPeachX on 2008-01-03 17:22:37 | Rating: | Views: 55
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doc's would say anti physcotics would help! try http://www.pljunlimited.com/pobpom/part5.htm wise words.
is there something more to it something special about it when our head races? bipolar disorder?? physc??who knows is it a shame to loose??will it always be there special but unite and come out right?? i ask that one myself sometimes, feel for you. friend
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Posted by invalid
on 2008-01-03 17:58:08
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