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| Blogging #2 |
I'm addicted to some of the most depressing music nowadays...I don't paticularly understand it, because what happens when I listen to depressing music is I get depressed. I get depressed and relate whatever song I'm listening to, to my life, even if there is almost nothing in the song I can relate to, I find a way and get even more depressed. It's really depressing. *haha*
One of the newest and most depressing songs I'm addicted to is Better Than Me by Hinder. Hinder is one of the worlds most depressing bands in the world...I mean, I don't know how the lead singer does it, but somehow he can make his voice sound so full of pain. He just makes the songs because he can make you feel the pain he is portraying. But anyway, the song is pretty much about a guy breaking up with the girl he loves over a bunch of crap and he misses her...and I can relate a tiny bit to the song, but not the break-up part. Just about how much he misses her and he is sorry about the mistakes he made. It's just so sad, and I love the song. I mean, when I'm feeling sick with loneliness in the middle of the day I can blast the song and scream it out and it makes me feel so much better. *haha* Yet it makes me even sadder at the same time...It's very confusing. I'm not even sure I understand it.
Lately I'm not sure if anything but depressing music relates to me. I mean, I feel good when I'm with my family or at TKD but when I'm alone and I have time to just sit and think everything that I surpress comes out to try and eat my face. *haha* I mean, I feel okay right now...I'm just venting. *haha* It's what I do. (Not exactly what I do best, but I do it pretty well.) I mean when I'm with Skyler and everyone at TKD I feel so much better! I can't quite describe it. I feel better when I'm with my mom also. I don't know...
I'm just trying to get used to things the way they will be for a long time. I'm trying to understand that I made a mistake but at the same time I can't make myself regret anything...and I feel bad because I don't feel bad. I feel bad about breaking rules yes but....I don't know...I'm just trying to make it through every day without letting myself get sucked under the muck covering the water. I'm glad my mom understands me and is being patient enough to deal with me. I try to stay happy around her. She makes me happy. But sometimes life just gets to me and I can't help it. I'm not coping very well, but I'm adjusting everything and trying to live. I've got to be strong all of the time and here goes my confession. I'm not that strong. I live as strong as I can but I fall apart quite often. I just don't tell people when I do.
I went to TKD mad, sad, and completely broken. I was hurt and I was trying to be angry with Sky for everything that was mostly my fault. But then he wasn't there and I didn't think he would be at all. And trying to hold a strait face was the hartest thing to do...but I can't tell you, can't even start to explain the exploding feeling when I glanced at the door and saw him walking up. I felt like...I don't know what I felt like. I was angry with him when I came to TKD. I wanted to hate him. Simply because I don't know how to take everything I've been feeling. Because I'd rather be angry than cry. I wanted to blow him off and watch the hurt spread across his face, but when he wasn't there...when he wasn't standing inside the door waiting for me I came to my senses and realized how stupid I am for even thinking it. When I thought I wouldn't be able to take back the anger I had showed last night....When I though he would go to sleep tonight and not know that I didn't mean it...That was what killed me. It tore me apart. It made me feel worse than anything. But then he came. Like I said, I can't tell you how that made me feel. As soon as I knew he was there, I drowned myself in the overwhelming happiness and let myself be the instructor that I am and I enjoyed teaching the kids as I do every night.
Wow...*haha* I didn't really mean for everything to come spilling out but that's okay. I've got nothing to hide. I've made mistakes, and I have paid for them/am paying for them. I'm living my life the way God intended and Fate either has it layed out for me, or in for me. I'm ready to face the world. I have my strength at my side and I will weather what I deserve with my head held high and I'm going to make it...Yea...I'm going to make it. *haha*
(And at my mommy's request I made sure all the puntuation is good and everything is all formal like. It's fun typing all formal. Love you mom)
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