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Gotta Quit Lying to Myself

    I knew I shouldn't have come over right as I rang the doorbell. But by then I was committed. And I walked into your house as a surprise to you and your sisters and your ex girlfriend. That was weird. I wondered why she wouldn't look me in the eyes. Good thing it was the crazy one; the one you can't stand, or else I might have been intimidated and hurt. What did I think was going to happen? That we would talk like friends do and say "a tout a l'heure"? That you wouldn't hug me and kiss me and tell me you miss me and ask if we might ever get back together? I knew, somewhere deep down, that it would come to that again. But still I couldn't stop my traitor finger from pushing your doorbell.
    I know (again somewhere deep down) that we can't be together. I know if for reasons other than the fact that you're going to move hours away and we both want to do different things with our lives. I think you know it, too, as you lie in your bed, having recently been to confession tonight. I just have to wonder, why do I lie to myself and make believe that limbo is okay? That having this lingering relationship is normal--even healthy?
    I lie to myself a lot, it seems. Like the fact that I justify not telling you my roommate has been hitting on me A LOT since we split. I'm not interested, so why provoke your jealousy with it, right? And I tell myself he's not really serious, and I can ignore it, even as he looks me in the eyes and tells me I'm so this and that, even as Celine and Camille tell me it's weird and it makes them uncomfortable too.
    I tell myself it's okay that I live two lives sometimes. That I'm not sure if I'm a Christian who screws up with struggles or if I'm a screw up who calls herself a struggling Christian to make herself feel better. I tell myself it doesn't matter what I do today, since I have an entire lifetime to do something actually worthwhile. I tell myelf I'm not wasting my time or my money or my potential in the life I'm living now.
    I tell myself I'm happy, when really that's the exception more than the rule. Ohmygod, I'm miserable all the time and I didn't even see it until right now. How can someone who seems so happy, who encourages laughter in others, be so shamefully low, so downright despairing?
    I think I'm just tired.
    Of course, that could be another lie.