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SO THERE I WAS - on the fourth of july - alone once again. My parents wanted me to come with them to this festival/firework display but i told them i didnt feel good. Which i guess was half true - you know, if feeling shitty equals sick. In my book it does.
When im bored, i spend half my time pacing around my house or subdivision. Usually im deep in thought, blasting some metal in my ears and blocking out everything and everyone around me.
My daydreams are freakish. I'm telling you what they are. You'd send me to the whitecoats if u knew. I will say that they are very dark. I found myself questioning my insanity today.
Whats wrong with me?
Why cant i connect with people?
Why am i so alone?
and who knows when I'll get those answers. Hell, some people never do. and so i feel like im it a rut.
Alone. That word echos in my ears. a hollow sound. It makes me wonder. I mean really really wonder.
I think i have friends, but i dont hear from them. Im the one who has to call them if i want to hang. No one ever makes plans with me. Its always me who trys - and usually fails - to make those plans. because usually there 'busy' which im starting to wonder if thats just an excuse...but then what does that make me?
why doesnt anyone call me? I try to be a nice person. I try to talk to people and care. I try to make friends.
its crazy. and i know most of ur ears are probably bleeding from my emo-ish chatter. but im speaking from my heart. I never thought writing something down in a blog could help so much, but it does.
So i have to get one more thing off my chest before it explodes.
I want more than anything to have a best friend - or at least a close group of friends. but it seems like everybodys already taken...that everybody already has a best friend. Except me. which totally and completely sucks. I want with every fiber of my jacked up being to have someone always there for me. To have my back.
oh shit. Why does life have to be so damn hard? Why can't someone save me?
- Nova Shadz
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Posted by xmidnightxwingsx on 2008-07-05 03:01:50 | Rating: | Views: 196
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I feel exactly the same way... dont worry, i guess i dont have much to contiribute in the way of answers sorry
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Posted by zeroyon223
on 2008-07-05 04:17:33
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i think no1 has much to contribute in ways of answers nova. you just have to believe in yourself. i know saying these things is easier than doing them. it takes a lot out of someone to keep holding on when it seems like there's nothing to hold on to. but i remind myself of this everytime - i haven't even lived half my life yet! and neither have you! not even half. we have a long way to go. and there's no way in hell you can say that things will never change...
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Posted by Slash
on 2008-07-05 07:05:50
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Life is hard sometimes and most of what you said or wrote rather I can totally relate to. Alot of times I just want to go to bed and pull the covers up over my head. It sucks. I try to find something to do. It's good you have your music. That is positive. I read sometimes.
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Posted by Faith
on 2008-07-05 12:31:45
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i feel the same way...it sucks
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Posted by amelia225
on 2008-07-05 13:11:53
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I understand. One thing I try to do when I feel badly is to work on my writing. Sometimes, I can't so I just watch t.v.
Hope you find that special friend. I don't have man friends.
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Posted by Emmy
on 2008-07-05 13:14:44
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it feels good to know im not alone. Thanks.
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Posted by xmidnightxwingsx
on 2008-07-05 14:48:34
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u really feel that way!?? omg, i'm so sorry for not calling u but i've been really busy! i went 2 the mall w/ friends and the pool w/ friends. so i'll be gone to the DELLS!!and NY. my summer's really busy but I could totally make plans w/ u!!!! call mee!!!
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Posted by cutipi
on 2008-07-05 18:35:53
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uh...ok..u probably shouldnt have added the w/ friends...doesnt exactly make me feel better...
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Posted by xmidnightxwingsx
on 2008-07-06 00:09:22
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hey,
I know that feeling.I think everyone goes thru it at one point of time or another. I feel that way at times. But I'm so glad that u've found venting your feelings in a blog useful!that's great.And music always helps(it never failed me yet!)
Don't you worry. You'll find that "perfect" best friend soon. It'll happen.It's my gurantee.
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Posted by HardThinker
on 2008-07-06 07:50:49
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guarantee* sorry
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Posted by HardThinker
on 2008-07-06 07:52:18
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Oh, baby, baby, baby. The same kind of thing just happened to me. I had these best friends and then they started not inviting me places with them and saying they were busy and not talking to me and in March I told them but they wouldn't listen so I put it aside till this Monday and then I went to a youth service thing with them and it just exploded out of me and I was screaming my head off and crying so hard it hrt, and you know something? They still didn't listen. And that's what you call a "shitty friend" because they treat you like shit when times are bad for you instead of trying to help you. You need to lay off them till they get the message you're not there anymore and you need to go out there and be FRIENDLY!
Make some new friends around, but it doesn't mean you have to treat them like they treated you and left you behind.
Ya dig?
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Posted by astoldbyrebecca
on 2008-07-06 11:44:41
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Oh and about the "everybody already has a best friend" thing? I know these girls, who are now my best friends, and when I was going through this, which I still am, they were kind of acquaintences, but I really wanted to get to know them, so I kind of squeezed in there, and they made room for me too. You can become friends still.
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Posted by astoldbyrebecca
on 2008-07-06 11:46:29
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thanks for your advice. that sucks about ur ex best friends. They sound like real ass holes, but im glad u have better friends now. i hope it happens to me...
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Posted by xmidnightxwingsx
on 2008-07-06 13:45:00
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Thanks Hard Thinker. I truley hope ur right.
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Posted by xmidnightxwingsx
on 2008-07-06 13:45:50
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Hey sweetie..
I've been through this too, and its horrid when all the best friends are "taken" :) But you know what? A person can have two best friends too...so like rebecca said, you can always squeeze through :)
This too shall pass...its hard, but it goes away eventually.
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-07-07 02:05:37
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whoa, thats it as SOON as i get back from UT i am giving u a ring!!! (as in a phonecall not a jewelry one, but im sure u knew that) dont worry i bet next year (as in school year) will be better. therell be alotta new ppl who dont have friends yet so u can step up to that plate. or u can try to squeeze into circles of buds, cuz if theyre really ppl u WANT 2 be friends with, they'll make room. and hell, what about our avenged-loving friend? she doesnt call u? she says she had a BLAST at ur b-day party and u guys talk on myspace and evrything. u know, me and her are best friends, and we'd GLADLY let u in. we luv ya noves. (and obviously not like THAT) so u know what, i'm not gonna make u make the first move, don't call me. I WILL CALL YOU. got it? u r officially my BEST FRIEND. starting now. yeahh!
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Posted by Hunterrrrxisxamazing
on 2008-07-07 12:25:31
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o and uh-- cutipi? let me point out ur mistakes in ur comment.
numba one, u said "i've been really busy". isnt that what nova said mainly everyone has been saying?
numba two, u put omg. i mean, come on, OMG?
numba free, u kept putting w/ friends. could u not have invited her?
and numba four, "call meee!" ? rly? my question is, why cant u call HER? if ur so busy how is noves supposed 2 know when ur free? and if u rly care wouldnt u give HER the jingle?
whatev,i'm not saying anything. i'm just backin up my girl.
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Posted by Hunterrrrxisxamazing
on 2008-07-07 12:35:58
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awww thanks hunter!!! u made me smile... :D
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Posted by xmidnightxwingsx
on 2008-07-07 15:08:08
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hunt- i say omg alot. okay? oh and btw i have been really busy, not a lie. with the call meee i meant it both ways. i lose my brain every once in a while. k? with the 'w/friends' i meant the neighborhood and i didn't mean anything. but whatev. i care about nova and i didn't mean to make her feel bad.
nova-i'm sorry, i was babbling. i was just excited about my plans for this month so, i really didn't mean to hurt u. hows this for advice-- just be urself and u'll find some one who is acually ur bff. that's all i could think of and i am kinda really bad about calling ppl. :(
sorry again-
cutipi
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Posted by cutipi
on 2008-07-10 12:46:49
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i used to feel like you when i was in school, i was miserable. it seemed like friends were the most important thing to have, but when you graduate from school and you realize how much of your life you wasted worrying about people who dont matter at all. you will laugh at the situation. there is so much more that you should try to focus on, like your grades cuz thats all that school is really good for is making sure you can get a good job and have money so you dont have to spend the rest of your life miserable too. it gets sooo much better, just be confident and smart in your situations.
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Posted by jenbla420
on 2008-08-01 23:03:07
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