| View Blog
|
|
|
|
| Ramblings from the past |
Why are you the way you are?
That's the question that people in my family keep asking me. That's the question that I can never answer in detail.
It's not as if they are asking about the good times that shaped the good parts about me. They are asking about the bad things, the secrets, the things I have hidden away under lock and key.
Their response is always the same "Don't you trust me?" The truth is, it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.
Most of my family think they don't know because I'm keeping it from them out of lack of trust. But its not that at all. It's not about them. it's about me. Take Triston for instance, I'm his woman, I know I can tell him anything. He can handle anything I tell him, good or bad, and yet he knows very little about what I went through. Triston tends to be like many others whose first thought is that he doesn't know because I don't trust him with the information. In fact, its been teh topic of many discussions between us because its not that at all. I know Triston can handle whatever I tell him, but I can't handle telling him. It's the same way for most of my family.
Look at it from my side. I have a peice of information that if out in the public's eye (and by public I mean my family), would drudge up horrible painful memories for me, make me relive every moment, every breath...every twinge. The fear would come back, the tears would fall and the screams would fill the room.
It wouldn't hurt just me either. It could hurt other people. They might blame themselves for not having been around to stop it, for not seeing the "signs", for not knowing at all....they may feel responsible , guilty.....as if they themselves were the ones that had hurt me.
Not only that, but what if people feel that its my fault, and they blame me? What if their opinions of me change, and they think less of me because of it? It's my worst fear come true.
And then what if they hear and all of a sudden they treat me differently? What if their eyes fill with pity and their demeaner drips with feeling sorry for me?
With all that on my shoulders.....why would I even think of putting them all through that? Putting myself through that?
Someday, but not today.
Noel.
|
|
Posted by xadorableonex on 2009-10-04 04:59:39 | Rating: | Views: 17
|
|
| |
|
|
Email This to a Friend 