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| The good thing for me about realization
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And depression. Melancholy and confrontation. Is that, I feel new. Refreshed. At peace with God because I know I did nothing wrong and the other person is at fault. It's a refreshing feeling. To feel like being alone is better. Because I do feel better alone. It's just like old times. I can count on aloneness. At least for now. Until my own mind drives me insane. But this is nice. Serene. Almost celestial. I've known for years upon years that I can survive and thrive on my own. I did it for years. That's how I lived. That's how I knew things to be. It changed this year. But now I am greeted by that same aloneness. Except this time its a peacefull aloneness. Because I feel the presence of God within it. I don't need her. It doesn't feel right anyway. (and I'm not talking in a lesbian sort of way) Just being best friends with her doesn't feel right. I can't put my finger on exactly why. I guess there's a number of reasons. We just have different feelings. Emotions. -definately- She's angry, sad, depressed. AllTheTime. I just try to be a good person. Try to see the good in people in life. Of course it doesn't always work. But I do try.
Last night. I wanted so badly just to drive. To sneak away. Just drive to a land of hills and lay out under the stars. Go see my friend 3 hours away. It was a lovely thought.
Of course I didn't. I couldn't really.
Problem 1 with that idea: I can't lagally drive by myself
Problem 2: It was dark and I'd probably get lost. Even if it was light out.
Problem 3: It was like 1 in the morning and to drive 3 hours away, stay for awhile, drive 3 hours back while knowing exactly how and where to go before my parents awoke was impossible
Problem 4: Stefan was most likely asleep. Would want an explination. Just probably wouldn't even answer his phone.
Problem 5: It's just overall impossible
But it was a nice thought. And thanks to the healing help of music and God and the fact knowing I was the victim and owed nothing I slept. Dreamed only of paranoia of driving. And awoke. Earlier than I thought i would and refreshed. Leaving in 3 years. I think I can survive. |
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Posted by x_sharpies_x on 2008-07-20 14:28:51 | Rating: | Views: 25
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