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peace pill- the thing of all messed up people's dr

Okay so last friday I recieved my first kiss. Yesterday, I recieved my 1st making out session. Like, perhaps 5 of them. And is it bad that I didn't exactly enjoy it? My boyfriend was definatley into it, but I just wasn't. It's not like I disliked it. I just didn't like it. So, does this mean I don't like him? Because I'm trying to push that thought away because well, I'm stuck here. I don't really want a bf. But the bf I have likes me a lot and just imagining life without him again would be....weird. Knowing me, and all my unsureities (if that's even a word) I would probably regret breaking up with him and having to hear all the stories of my best friend and her bf but then again I wouldn't care but I am just so f-ing retarded I just can't stand this anymore! I'm a new me anyways. If you refer back to one of my older posts (not sure which one but it was quite a while ago) I say how I feel like my heart is so innocent and naive just waiting eagerly like a little puppy just to get abandoned again. And how my brain is always trying to save it but it never works. Well now that is totally different. My heart feels .... well that's the problem. It doesn't FEEL anything. It's been hardened. Maybe, MAYBE that old naive thing is buried deep whithin the many levels of stone, iron, and brick that has been built up around it, but I don't want that heart either. Why can't I just have a normal one? One that isn't so defective and messed up. Before I thought, no I'm not defective, just broken. But that's not true. I am defective. Idk what's wrong with me but I just don't enjoy certain things that EVERYONE ELSE LIKES TO DO! I think I could be a pshycologist when I grow up because I think I can figure people out, but I can not figure myself out. I probably never will really like him again. I will admit that to myself. And I think that I am lying to myself about even liking him at all! But that part I'm still figuring out. (To no avail of course) I just don't understand. And I feel so alone about it all. At least before my friend felt the same way but now she likes him. And knows it. And like a normal human being actually likes it when she f-ing makes out with her bf! That is just a homosapien desire. To kiss others. To be kissed. But nooo I have to be all ME and just.....
ruin. everything.
I can't be happy.
That's just it. I can't. I am just too torn to pieces. I may be beyond repair. I like to think I'm not though considering I still have a long time to live. That is if God doesn't call me to Him sooner.
And is it weird that I like getting cuts? I don't actually cut me myself but if it's not dire then I kind of like it. I know that was random. But this desk just sliced my thumb open. Anyways.
I just would like.... even just a day. To where I could be free from all my emotions and just be at peace. Just be tranquil. That's not happy. I guess I don't really need that.
I just want peace.
Maybe I'll go to the kitchen and have take a St. John's Wart. It's the closest thing to a peace pill we have.