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I am officially the most retarded, subconscienly s

Okay so my theory was right. And I don't understand why this always happens to me. ALWAYS. You know, I was starting to feel like a different, more confident girl this year. Because I was so FREE. My mind was not always occupied on one thing. Or guy more accuratley. I could do what I wanted and not have to worry about seeing someone I didn't want to because I was so free. But now I am not. My thoughts are constantly thinking about him. Now that it's all done and over and he's going to ask out another girl I am stuck liking him again. And I knew that would happen because I know how I work. And I am retarded!! I really do think I'm stuck on misery mode or something. Subconscienly, I TRY to make myself so unhappy. This isn't fair because I'm missing out on half of the teenager life. The happy part. Teenagers have really high highs and really low lows. But it makes me sad to hear this because I can't really recall that many times when I've had high highs. Only low lows (like now) or just ordinary days. That's what I had before. When I liked no one, even when I liked him. Everything was still ordinary. I know I liked him but I didn't like him so much he was all I thought about. Probably because I knew he liked me too. And that I didn't have to worry about making any big desicions soon. We would flirt and talk and be like best buds. But then he did that. And everything went downhill from there. What makes me really mad at myself is that I don't know what I want. Yes, I like him. But do I want to date him? I really have no clue. I don't really like relationships. Because I like the freedom you know. And when your not dating someone and you stop liking them it doesn't turn into this whole drama (of late the one exception) THIS. right here. Is what I would always feel when I liked someone in the past. Which is why I gave up on it. But here it is again. I feel miserable and it's too late. It sucks ass!!!! But I'm going to tell him just so he can tell me no it's over, your too late. Just so I can start to TRY to heal and move on. TRY being the key word. omg I am just MISERABLE. I'm so sad. :'( I can't stop thinking about him. But maybe I won't like him anymore once I start talking to him again. I know it's kinda sad but I think I like him more when he is sad then when he is happy because then he is just kind of annoying. I actually WANT him to tell me he doesn't like me anymore. Yes, because I am super stupid/retarded/sadistic (sadistic probably isn't the best word here but I think you know what I mean) But I think more because then I can really let go if HE doesn't want me. Even though things can change and he could like me again but this is just getting wayy out of hand. Actually, I don't know what I'm going to do if he WANTS to get together with me. Since I'm so terrified of relationships and everything. I really don't know what's wrong with me I'm just so messed up. I really am. Why can't I just be normal like everyone else?