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frowny faces. The whole 10 yards.

How is it possible to care about someone so much and really, TRULY hating that you will badly hurt them but still not have feeling for that person? I don't know how but I sure can. Maybe deep down, DEEEEP down inside my heart I still really like him.
But... I don't on the surface.
Nor the second layer of my heart
Nor the third.
I know what the obvious is. - Say no. Break his heart. He'll get over it. He deserves it.
But you wanna hear what I think MY heart says- Say no. Let him go. Miss him so. He'll never know.
Well, I wasn't expecting to write that, but it just all fit so perfectly and RHYMED. And you gotta know I love rhyming things. But I know I can't go out with him. I just don't like him like that anymore. I soo want to. I'm hurting him so badly it's deeply hurting me.
I actually bawled because of this. Not just cried. I had myself a damn good cry with sobs and stuff. It's kind of nice to let go of all that and cry again, but it makes me so sad.

This is what I think will happen:
I'll tell him I can't. That I just don't like him anymore no matter how much I want to. I'll tell him how sorry I am and that I really care for him and I don't want to see him sad.
It will be awkward for a while. But then he'll move on....
and then BAM!! That's where mother- flippin evil duo Fate and Timing come in and finally let me like him again. Except now it's too late and he doesn't like me anymore. He has someone else....

That is my theory. I care about him so much.
I just don't like him anymore.
And I don't know why.
Something just clicked one day. Last Saturday actually.
But you know what? It's HIM. He flirts all the time. He's quick to crushes. (quick to forget about them too. Which is why I'm suprised he's liked me all this time) I'm sure, once the deal is done and I tell him no (in the nicest, sincerest way I will be able to conjure up) he will move on. Probably back to Catherine.

Oh Timing, why must you be against me so?
Oh Fate, how cruel is your humor. How painful your lessons. Even when the damage is not mine, it is.
Oh God, I won't blame you. Help me. Heal him. You told me this and You were right.

It's such a shame when oppurtunities are lost.