28648 Blog Feed: withsealedlips 2008-06-17 07:06:00 withsealedlips Your e-mail address 69248 2008-02-28 09:19:25 60612 2008-02-07 20:24:34 56707 2008-01-29 08:48:48
You tell me it's time you left. Suddenly I wish I hadn't picked yellow for the kitchen walls, I feel as though I am standing in the middle of the sun. The clock above the stove begins to ring, informs me it is now 5 PM. I can not gather any words, all I can hear is that ringing, the flames from the sun engulfing my kitchen. You begin to walk away, the floor bellows with every step you take. They laugh at me, they ring in my ears then burn into the sun. All I can do is stare at the back of your head. Lower, then rise, your right shoulder a little heavier this time. The bag is still staring at me, timid eyes, it leaves with you. I let my house burn, wait for the night to put out the flames, cool down my heart.

Tomorrow, I will paint the kitchen green. Let somebody else take the responsibility of
living in the sun ]]> 52248 2008-01-19 16:09:23 50657 2008-01-16 03:28:13 50140 2008-01-15 03:01:49 Man, YouLead is a program I am praying and praying to get into. I know I would be a good asset to it! But how do I tell them that over some silly application, I'm someone you need to meet in order for a good impression. I will never get accepted from telling them about my extra curricular activities! I'm not in any, my family never had any money for them growing up, and now I've always felt like it's too late to start. Thailand, I will get you. Pray for me please! I need this, so bad

]]> 47245 2008-01-08 09:17:42 Grammar

If you put the words that come out of your mouth
onto paper
they would have plenty of curves,
they would break where
they shouldn't,
forming a melody that

keeps me...

And if I had only curved my words
and broke them where I shouldn't have
I would have formed a harmony
that

kept you...

Maybe if I hadn't been so predictable
Maybe if my sentences didn't stumble
like drunk men with big bellies
Maybe if I hadn't felt every letter that stumbled
from my mouth,
if i hadn't touched every jagged edge
then maybe...

Then maybe you would say my name
in the morning. Then maybe you would
spell it without letters.
Maybe I wouldn't be stuck
spelling maybe out
seven times in a row. And let me tell you this,
the letters are not curved like you would have
curved them.

And let me tell you,
let me tell you,
that this is pointless, because
you won't read this.
You never liked my jagged words.
Drunk sentences

Well, I never liked
how you've kept me,
splurged across pages
of paragraphs you probably
never wrote. ]]> 47107 2008-01-07 23:57:54 Hush, child. Speak now,
quiet.
With childrens ears, I will listen
I will look no further
into your words,
only look at what you have brought with them.

Hush, child. Move now,
slow.
With childrens hands, I will touch
I will feel no deeper
than your skin,
you will feel no deeper than mine.

And child,
I will not, I will not
feel with the heart.
I will not listen with my eyes
look with my mind.
I will not, I will not
grow to feel.
As a child, I will not
understand.
With childrens hands ]]> 47106 2008-01-07 23:57:03 I wish to break the rules, break the rules as I tell you what I really want. Scream, I wish to scream as you are not here with me. I sit here, the rules unbroken and my mouth still shut tight. Lights out, bright blue has been poured throughout my room, dusk has painted my face. I listen for something, and hold on tightly to the sound of the acoustic from the house next door. I let my mind rest on the strings, I let my neighbour strum at my thoughts, I let him sing to me. I lay my body on his bed, my feet on his lap. Listen to his melody swirl, twist, soothe me as I try to refrain from screaming. The music fades, I open my eyes, I am alone. Dusk has turned to night, my room now dressed in shadows. My phone rings, and of course it is you. I want to ask you to come over, stay the night, undress my room of these shadows, fill it with our bodies. Instead I act as I don't care that you have called, tell you I must go, I must go. I hang up the phone and lay with the night. My neighbour starts to play again, although this time he doesn't sing, and I don't scream. I don't break the rules. I lay alone, sit on strings and let strangers strum at my thoughts. ]]> 47105 2008-01-07 23:56:04 I think about how we would laugh, how I loved to sit outside, but you hated the cold. I would use cigarettes as an excuse to get us out there. I would pray that our cigarettes would last us eternity. Sometimes we would let our conversation take us wherever it felt like leading us. Sometimes we would let the silence take over us, cigarettes dangling from our mouths, hands in our pockets, staring at the street lamp infront of us, wondering how long it had been broken for. When things between us weren't so great, you were always the one that wanted to go outside, talk, let the cold air warm our hearts. Heighten our senses, freeze our feet. I was never keen on this, you would always look so sad, you would sigh until I asked you what was wrong (even though I already knew, and didn't want to hear it again). You would take a drag of your cigarette (for dramatics) and tell me, that I've heard it enough, and I probably didn't want to hear it again. "You're right" I would respond, "it's cold, I'm going inside." And the conversation would end.
When I was upset, you would always ask what was wrong, and genuinely want to listen to an answer. I would never give you a response, I would find a poetry book and stare at the words. Only one word would matter though, your name printed in bold across my mind. "Well, if you're not going to talk to me, I'm leaving, I'll talk to you later." You would say, I wouldn't respond and I would let you leave.
The last time this happened, I said goodbye, you know. Maybe you didn't hear it, because by the time I spat it out, you were already in your car driving away. But I did say goodbye, just know. ]]> 47103 2008-01-07 23:53:16 The summer has begun to fade to fall. Frusterating, disappointing time in the year. I wish it would just happen, instead of it slowly, painfully dragging on. One day summer, the next fall, like ripping off a band-aid, quick and painless. We could say we'd been falled, mourne for the loss of our summer for the rest of the day, and move on. However, instead we must watch the first leaf fall in the middle of august. Watch them fall for the rest of the month. Come september we never know how to dress, so we have to layer. A coat, sweater, then t-shirt underneath. Then you'll probably have to take them off later in the day, and lug them around. The cold nights are horrid, lonely.

Our love has begun to fade, and fall. I wish it would just end, instead of painfully dragging on. One day you're here, the next you're gone. I could say I'd been fooled, I wouldn't mourne for I would never mourne over a fool. However, instead you must insist on being a good guy, sticking around and waiting for our love to completely run dry. You take off the layers I had put on earlier that day. You take them off each night. The cold nights are still horrid, lonely.

We've been falled. I've been fooled. (A coat, sweater, then t-shirt underneath.) I've worn my heart on my sleeve ]]> 47102 2008-01-07 23:52:23 Our memories are not ones
to be put in museums.
Out on display,
they become history.
General events that happened on a specific day,
they would strip the light away,
the teeth and warm eyes.

Our memories will die
with us, secrets taken to the grave.
They will linger in houses
haunted with laughter.
They will make you question,
what the museums have missed.
We will linger in houses
with teeth and warm eyes ]]> 47101 2008-01-07 23:51:33 Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful girls
losing curves
like morals. Sunken
eyes; cheekbones

Red rings
circle your eyes. Warn me of
apathy, desperation,
hunger for
anything in the form
of touch

Protruding colar
bones, all you are;
bones.
Spine and dark blue
veins (eyes).

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful girls
losing themselves to
sunglasses and
t
o
o
t
h
p
i
c
k
s ]]> 47100 2008-01-07 23:49:31 I always waited for the morning to come,
didn't wait in sleep.
Waited for that blue that poured in through the night's sky,
about to introduce daylight.

Reminded me of things I can't quite put my finger on,
I always thought it could be church,
high ceilings,
and the noise your foot made when it hit the floor,
a hollow bellow, or no noise at all.
The way the light was dimmed, and how you hid in the pews
asking god if he could still see you,
you were convinced he couldn't,
he hadn't done a thing to show you he was watching.
And the way that when you screamed,
it would echo, repeat in your ears,
trying to convince you that you weren't the only one there.

Royal blue filled the sky
filled my heart,
introducing daylight,
church bells and high ceilings ]]> 47099 2008-01-07 23:48:11 This is a letter to the unknown. This is a letter to a face only I know. This is a letter in hopes that you read this, and then question "who could it be?" and state "what a sucker." For you have made me question, for so long, what happened? and when will it go back to normal? You were there for so long, but I was not able to have you. You were a forbidden fruit in which I was able to eat, but not taste. I have tried to grip sand and make it stay, it becomes too unbearable. I hope that late at night you toss and turn and make up dialogues for conversations that we will never have, closing your eyes and picturing my face and just screaming the question "WHAT HAPPENED?" and in this dialogue I will give you and answer. We will fight, we will cry, but we will work it out. Eventually, you will start to shake with anger, and then you will realize your eyes are closed and that I am not there. You will open them and my face will be gone, your heart is beating fast and your hands are shaking, all for a dialogue that WE WILL NEVER HAVE. You will close your eyes again and start all over, you think about swallowing your pride and risking whatever dignity you have left in asking me these two words, but you won't. And if for some reason you did, I would plaster a smile to my face and tell you that we are as close as ever and that I have no idea in which you are talking about, then I will close my eyes. I will picture your face and begin to laugh, scream in your face but I won't say a word, for you are gone to me, we have parted and now, maybe you will begin to feel like I have. This is a letter in hopes that you will question "what happened?" This letter is to let you know that, no, you will never get an answer. I hope that this question lingers above your head, haunting your thoughts. This is a letter to the unknown, this is a letter to a face only I know. ]]> 47098 2008-01-07 23:47:04
The sirens and country music sway in a melody not to be forgotten.
Still with the muggy heat, damp, resting infront of your face
They wail, crying, move through you, under your arms.

You can't see the sirens, but you know what colour they are.
Bright red, warning you of yellow grass and clammy hands,
and even though bright red and country music don't mix well together,
you don't mind, it's a loud, comfortable silence.
Reminds you of orange juice and rum, never been a good pair
always did the trick

Teenage boys walk into the silence
laughing their way through, making a different sort of harmony.
You notice they're not wearing shoes,
flesh melting to the pavement, they keep laughing
deep laughs, right from the diaphram. They whipe,
the sweat from their upper lips,
trying to ignore the red warning the summer brings.

You don't know why any of this matters,
don't know how any of it could ever be more important,
than things that actually matter.
But, you don't care, you're happy worrying about things,
that have little meaning,
and no rank on God's list.
For somebody has to care,
for the little things.

]]> 47097 2008-01-07 23:45:43
These are the days

These bottles have witnessed miraculous,
what seem like miracles
friendshipinthemaking,
real heart wrenching smiles and tears
on the bathroom floor

likes x's and o's
beginning to notice a pattern here
the blood don't spill
unless the shots have been filled

you stand wobbling in the screen door
bread in hand
"drink more, don't puke!"
hold my hand and you whisper as you walk by
"I love you"
I fall and get grass stains on your new white pants
we can't stop laughing

my face hurts,
I don't want to do this anymore
I just want sincerity
something that will last
my elbows now engraved in the dirt
you stare along with everybody else
why aren't we laughing anymore
my drunken thoughts
left my head
(sluurred complaints)
you hold me
like we have some sort of unspoken bond
"drink more, don't puke!"
drink more, drink more, drink more

tears on the bathroom floor
and these bottles have seen friendships ending
I watch your words
fly past porcelain lips
drink more, drink more, drink more

like the tick of a clock
beginning to notice a pattern here
the blood don't spill
unless the shots are filled ]]> 46696 2008-01-07 04:59:40 Flat.
Sometimes I picture pumping them up with a tire pump to make my thoughts seem more normal. Then I picture them popping.


Anyways, moving on... I have a diary. I think I should write in it. I never do though, Jason gave it to me last christmas. I feel like nothing is worthy of going on there, like it's pages are too priceless to be written on. When he first gave it to me I wrote in it a few times, I want to rip those pages out though. They are all about stupid boys, or something that I really couldn't care about anymore. The last thing I should be writing about in that diary is about guys or stupid little crushes, knowing how Jason cared about me. I miss him every day. The last time we talked was august the 13th. I'll bet you it was a friday. I deleted him off of MSN so that I didn't have to think of him as much. So that I didn't have to see his name pop up from time to time. He told me he loved me once and I (too drunk to handle the situation) told him to leave the room. Why did I do that? I was always such a bitch to him.

I feel like I've lost my morals, priorities. I am not kind. The thoughts that run through my head are usually always making fun of someone, almost always I will say it aloud and everyone around me will laugh. I will not think about what I have just said. I recently wrote a nasty letter to an old friend. We didn't have a falling out. We just moved on, she has changed a bunch, into a very mean girl. I wrote her a letter telling her of her changes, anonymously of course. Why did I stoop to such a level? I didn't even have the fucking balls to state my name. I am nameless and I am nasty. New years resolution, STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH.

I don't cry either. I can't remember the last time I cried that it wasn't forced. I cried once a few months ago, but that was only to keep from my parents kicking me out "I'm only 17, where am I supposed to be going?" I kept on saying. They don't like that I do a lot of partying, drinking. Never drugs, but how are they to know that?

I told my mom she was fat once when I was a kid. She asked me if I wanted to go to McDonalds as a treat, my dad had the car so we would have to walk. I said yes, and I stated that I wished we could take the shortcut.
"well why not? we can do that"
"you're too fat to fit through the fence"
She told me that maybe we could go another day when we had the car. I was too young to understand that this was wrong. I am scared she still remembers. I am scared this will be something she will think about before she dies. I am still mean to her. I am making a very big effort to be nicer though, I hate that I always give her the cold shoulder, she has done nothing wrong. I wish to be like her when I am older. I wish to be like her now. She is a woman very unlike me, she will speak her mind when she knows what someone is doing is wrong. She will always do what is right. I wish I could tell her these things. I wish I could tell her how much I admire her.

I don't really talk to my dad anymore, once or twice a month. We have nothing to talk about. Things went south after I had to live with him for a few months. I don't know anything about him. I am scared he will die and I won't know a thing about him. I don't know how to change this. ]]> 44269 2008-01-01 22:41:25 Is it easier now that you don't have to love me? ]]> 43185 2007-12-30 05:15:11
Did you get the letters I sent you? The one's telling you how I feel, different words everytime. No. You didn't, I didn't send them. Well, if you get this, just know I am sorry. Know I am angry, I will not get over this. My anger. My love, either.
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