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Another day another change...will it ever end?

Yesterday and today my dad, some of his buddies, and I went out rabbit hunting like we always have for years. I have been going hunting with my dad for over 5 yrs now. (rabbit, squirrel, deer, turkey...) I did not get the chance to go much last year with focusing on college stuff so I was excited to get to go out rabbit hunting over break...but being out there was totally different then I remember. I had the chance to shoot three rabbits today and I let them just go by. I did not even try and shoot them. I wish I would have felt bad, guilty, or something, but I do not. It was not a big deal to me that I did not even try and shoot them. I still sit here wondering what happened out there today...if it were any other day any other year I would not have even hesitated...

I went to church last night for the first time in three weeks I believe. Man did I need that. I knew life was a little hectic and I could not handle the stress of being home and the drama and all the change that has seemed to have happened since the last time I was home, but I did not realize that God was that much out of the picture. You do not notice what you have until it is gone...I know God was not totally gone, but He is slowly dwindling to the bottom of my priority list...just like everything else that used to be important to me. Going to church, journaling, spending time with those I love. I find myself more and more wanting probably even needing time to myself. Taking walks through the deserted snow-covered streets at night looking up at the clear stary night sky...one of my ultimate favorite things to do either alone or with a close friend.

I was so crabby today with what happened this morning out hunting and then having to come home and do chores while my sisters got to go to their friends house. But I finally was able to go to church and I got to see one of my favorite people ever and he totally made my night. He is so sweet, he makes it so hard not to be crabby (even if you do not want to smile or be happy). He is amazing! Anyway I was so happy after church and felt like nothing could bring me down and then my mom and sister started getting mad at me for no reason. They were all saying what they thought and I put my two sense in and I got tore down...like I always do. My mom and sister are close well sort of...closer than I will ever be with anyone in the family. And they always seem to "plot" against me and fight with me, and all I ever want is to be welcomed to join in the conversations too. So now I am sitting here being crabby because I got yelled at by both of them and I cannot get a word in edge wise with out an arugement breaking out. Listening to my two sisters outside my door laughing and getting along great. Sometimes I envy the relationship the two of them have. They are four years apart and my one sister and I are two years apart...maybe it is the closeness in age that seems to make us not get along, but whatever it is I hate it, I see them together and wish for just a day that our relationship could be like that. But I do not know if it ever will.

I just found out my sister is coming with me to go to our friends Birthday/New Year's Eve party. I am okay with that as long as she does not pull any crap. He is both of our friend so I am not going to say she cannot come. I really think she should go, because she does not hang out with any of her church friends since she started dating her boyfriend. My friend and I already made plans to go to church before the party. And I told my sister if she was going with me she had to come to church...she did not want to because we went to church tonight. But I am making her go because I get the car and I am not letting her use my keys, she has her own keys but it is my day for the car and I do not think it is fair for her to go off and drive it whenever she pleases. And I am afraid she is going to do what she did Thursday night...we were hanging out at a friends and she wanted to go home because she had a headache...okay I thought no big deal well I have a feeling she did not have a headache, but that she did not want to be there anymore and just wanted to talk to her boyfried.(he had been calling for quite awhile), because she let me drive and she never lets me do that if she has the truck first...she talked to her boyfriend all the way home (it's a 35-40 min drive) and once home she sat on the computer for at least an hour and a half. If she wanted to go all she had to do was tell me the truth, I would have been okay with it but I hate being lied to...So she better not try and pull that tomorrow or I am not going to be to happy with her.

I do not understand...I wish someone would tell me what is going on here. This entire weekend everyone has pretty much did their own thing, no one really talked to anyone. And yesterday and today (call me cliche) no good night, sweet dreams, kisses, nothing...okay I realize I am 19 but for the time being I am trying to forget that detail...with everything changing so drastically and fast I want a little piece of childhood. Something simple yet meaningful...but I have yet to find it, or anything that has not changed a little bit.

Maybe I am the one changing and everything else is staying the same, and that is why no one but me seems to notice that the familiar is not familiar anymore. Or maybe I really do not show how I feel. I know I am a shy reserved person, but I learned to be that way. I built walls around myself basically my entire life to keep everyone out even my family...it was not until last year that I started trusting people again and letting people in to get to know me. Maybe the thing that is wrong is something deep within myself...something subconcious that I am not fully aware of yet. I really need to take some time off and do some thinking and reflecting...do a little okay a lot of reconnecting with God. I sure could use it.