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Is it just me? Am I the only one who cannot see it? I have guys wanting to hang out, get together for dinner, whatever....why? Because they want to get to know me better, because of my looks, what is it? What happened in the past month that all of a sudden I have friends, and not just girls, but guys?...and they actually want to get to know me.
I'm not saying it is a bad thing, but it's weird. I am not used to so much attention and honestly I don't know what to think about it all. I have never been the type of person people that peopole want to talk to and get to know. I have always been an outcast, kind of got used to it. I can be a complicated person at times, that's just me...But now, I have friends not just acquaintances that I pretended where my friends.
My church back home changed my life, but when I got here things changed, and I forgot about a lot of the things I learned back home or I hung on to the memories of summer whether they be joys or pain and that held me back, because I wished more than anything that things would not have changed and life would not have flew by so fast. Kind of sunk me into a mild depression. But now I have found my place where I fit, where I belong. A friend once told me before I left that college would be different, and that I would find my place. I never really believed her until just recently. Now I wished I would have listened and believed in her advice. Maybe I would have found my place sooner. But later is better than never I guess.
My friends say I am beautfiul why? I don't see it. I try so hard to make myself look good and half the time I get fed up and quite. Othertimes I just don't try and I am still not satisfied. Now I basically gave up and I don't care what I look like on most days anyway. I've stopped trying to please other people and be happy with the way I am. For the most part I am happy...I would not say that I am pretty, but I do not think that I am ugly either. I guess your average person. I am not saying that I don't think I ever look pretty, but I think it is rare and far between. I realize I am a tomboy, but I am still very much a girl at heart....sometimes too much, but I cannot help what I am.
Maybe I am afraid of love...I didn't think such a thing was possible, but hey who knows? I was once told that I was more than a little lonely and I didn't know how to be open to love. Maybe because I was afraid, maybe because I didn't know how to love someone back, maybe because I didn't know how to react. I don't know anymore. Maybe that is why I feel so awkward when people give me compliments, or tell me they want to go to dinner and get to know me better.
I am sure I will change when I am ready. But what I really think is that it has a lot to do with things that happened in the past. Whether it be from high school or just last summer. I have not had the best experience with guy friends. And I am not ready to to let go and move on just yet. Yeah, I still connect better with guys than girls, but sometimes I think it can be a downfall.
I just want to go home. I miss it more now then ever, especially when one of my friends needs me to be there. I want nothing more than my church, my bed, my friends, and my summer of 07.....I really should not be reminising on the past right now, especially because I am stressed and beyond tired, and thinking of past memories is not going to help the situation I am in.
I suppose I should really read my bible and journal, because I only get like this when I have failed to set time aside for things like that. It's been a busy hectic week, but I need that time. And it shows in times like these more than ever. I know I should never let it get this way, but it is really hard here when I don't have a church to run to, or friends to turn to. The phone is great, but phone tag gets old really fast.
I am always told that happiness is something that only you yourself can control. That it is a mind over matter thing. Does that mean people choose to be depressed? Because that is what people make it sound like when they tell me I am the reason I am unhappy. I understand that I can choose to sit around and sulk or go out and enjoy the day, but I think there comes a point where a person's happiness is effected by something other than what they can control. I am not saying that I am unhappy because of other people, because I know a lot of my unhappiness relys within myself, but am I wrong to believe that there are other factors as well? |
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Posted by wishfulthinker on 2008-04-25 20:59:44 | Rating: | Views: 96
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I think you are on the right track. I believe your faith will see you through. When I have felt the way you do, and I pray...study...and keep praying when I feel terrible, I'm more aware of my feelings and can control them better. God does make a way of escape but prayer and more prayer gets me through. Keep praying as often as you can. God is peace.
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Posted by purestar
on 2008-04-25 23:28:56
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OMG. Same here. I am one of those loner, outcast people. Recently , like all of a sudden, guys want my number. Back in Feb, I had this one guy nicely introduced himself to me and started talking to me and he asked for my number. Yesturday I had this one guy ask me out on a date. I'm not used to this kind of thing either because I am so used to keeping to myself. I was so used to guys thinking i am worthless since middle school. And now last year and this year has been so much of a change. I never thought a guy would be interested in me or are they? So many people say I am pretty but I don't really see myself in that way. I think I am just ok looking I guess. I have guys tryna hit me up and want my number. I am like WOAH!!!! I don't really know what to say
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Posted by Plakola
on 2008-04-26 17:37:34
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I think unhappiness is sometimes caused by some other factors also, like someone might be paralyzed and they are like that for life. Did they choose to be paralyzed? No but they can choose to accept the way they are and find some alternatives.
I also thought that guys tryna talk to me is awkward to or someone telling me they have feelings for me, that would be aweward to me. I think I am afraid of love because I wouldn't know how to love back or I don't know how to respond to most things
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Posted by Plakola
on 2008-04-26 19:32:48
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