I've been very discontent for some time now.

Of course, being jobless takes it's toll but for all the people that actually know me, they know I take it twice as hard as your average person. I know I shouldn't, but I place a lot of pressure on myself to excel in everything that I set out to do. When I encounter obstacles or suffer setbacks, I shut down. I get anti-social, depressed, and self-destructive. I'll start drinking. Then comes the tears. Then more drinking ... for days on end. I sleep all day to avoid the judging eyes of those that I live with and all that does is gain their ire. When I do make myself available or seen, I get little comments like "Good morning, sunshine!" even though it's 7:45pm ... or people wondering how come the dishes aren't done or the living room is a mess. Well .. let's see, I've been drunk and/or sleeping for 3 days solid (pretty much) and I have stayed in my 'room' and not made any dirty dishes. Why should I clean it up? Oh, because you have jobs? That's right. I should know my place around these parts. I try not to eat their food so I feel a bit less in debt to them. They do not charge me rent, for if they did, I'd surely be homeless right now.

As time goes by, I lose a bit more of the humanity in me.

I do not wish to talk to most, albeit, a few particular people.

I hate where I live. I hate the absence of opportunity that New Orleans has for me.

I'm so lonely and restless. I come on here and wonder to myself why I don't have more messages or comments waiting for me. Then I realize, that it's because I haven't been posting much and that last few things that I have put up were videos or something. That never gains much conversation. All my creativity has leaked out somewhere along the way and I don't really feel much like writing. Ghost went to nightshift at his job, so our fun and games on here are a thing of the past. New members here make me question my own worth because I always compare my writing skill to theirs. There are some very impressive new faces here, and I don't know, maybe they've intimidated me (or impressed me) to the point that I can't bring myself to throw anything up here anymore. I notice that I don't have the attention span anymore and I'm always tired. I get on here, reply to the few comments that I may have, read all of my friends' blogs, leave comments there and then are too tired to write anything of my own. 

When I wake up, I think of any possible excuse to borrow Zack's car to leave here. Driving makes me somewhat happier. Knowing that I could just take off and never come back hasn't left my thought processes when I'm out and about. The sad part is that the drive-thru people and the gas station people are starting to recognize my face. I use the car to run those errands, get food or cigs, but that's it. I don't have any friends that live near me, so it's never like I go and hang out anywhere. I'm too old for the 'all ages venue', too broke to go out and see new movies whenever they come out, and have exhausted my use for Bourbon Street or any of the offerings of 'entertainment' that New Orleans has.
 
Seeing the sunrise is no longer a beautiful thing to me. I have to cite reality and the reasons that I'm even awake to see it. The nightmares and panic attacks, sleeping all day so that I'm up all night, the harshness of being alone ... this is why I can see the sunrise at 6:15am everyday. It's not so special when you have noone to share it with.

I'm tired of empty promises.
I'm tired of not feeling needed or wanted.
I'm tired of not being 'the answer' to your problems.
I'm tired of people popping in and out of my life, in real life and on here.

I want constance.
I want happiness.
I want love.
I want to be respected.

Why is it so hard to get these simple things? They say the best things in life are free, but why must I be the one to always pay the price? Why must I get the short end of the stick ALL THE FUCKING TIME?

I can't help but blame myself ... for not being better. For not being more handsome, wealthier, interesting, intelligent, or having something better to offer all the people that involve themselves with me. It's whatever.

Winter is starting to lose it's bite.