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I want to disappear

There's a space in my heart that is growing wider and wider. It's so empty in there and I don't know how to fill it. Instead I turn to alcohol, anorexia, cutting, and total numbness, but there's nothing that will help me forget this feeling.

It was once full of things and friends that I loved. I was so happy and it seemed like life was going to be great after all.

I fell in love with my best friend. I would do anything for her and she would do anything for me. Our relationship was different than any other I had experienced. I had a boyfriend and she was married, but everyone got along and no one minded at all. Then one night at a Halloween Party, my best friend's husband raped me.

In one moment I lost everything that made sense to me. My best friend is gone. The woman I fell in love with is gone. My hope, my faith, my desire to keep on going, my spirit...all are dead.

I still have my boyfriend, but he's in the military and is constantly having to go out in the field, out of the state, or do some military thing. He's really trying to be there for me, but sadly, I feel like I'm losing him too.

I've lost my trust in everyone. If someone I trusted so much could turn around and rape me, then there's no telling what anyone else is capable of.

I hate myself, I hate this world, and I just want to disappear. There's no hope left for me now...

Posted by wildflower83 on 2007-11-11 05:48:45 | Rating:

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		wraps you in a hug, sadly knowing this too well. do not hate yourself, you did no wrong - trust once gone, no, gentle nod, its never easy to regain, but life can still go on for you sweetheart - you have a decent boyfriend whom seems to be standing by you, even if he is away a fair bit..he would be broken hearted if you did anyhting to yourself hon - and if you have family, it would hurt them too. sweetheart, whilst you have all these things as in people in your life - fight. talk to someone, you really need some support poppet, you need to get these feelings out in a safe environment. So please, try and hold on, be strong and talk to someone RT - warm hugs
Posted by kentlass on 2007-11-11 17:07:15


		as above the hug of experience draws in! Why do we blame ourselves for someone elses actions? i promise you, you have done nothing to deserve what happened to you and you shouldnt blame yourself for what happened, it isn't you fault. There is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel, and i know that's probably hard to take from someone you don't know and it's probably no consellation whatsoever, but right now you need to focus on the good things in your life. I know, your boyfriend being away may seem awful for you right now, but he's always with you. And i'm sure (by the sounds of it) he loves you a lot. He's always there for you. Feel free for a chat whenever, sometimes it's better to talk to someone whos completely unbiased! Keep safe. x
Posted by more_thought on 2007-11-12 07:54:50


		Comes back from answering your mail remember, inner strength my darling, you are worth so much to so many leaving you another warm hug here too
Posted by kentlass on 2007-11-12 09:44:52


		Don't let one person's actions destroy your inner beauty. There is no need to hate yourself for something that was done to you. Your boyfriend loves you, so you should take his lead and love you too. Good luck, sweetie.
Posted by Pauligan on 2007-11-14 06:47:28


		I'm so sorry you had to experience that! Don't let him take your light, your beauty and your worth. Don't let him kill you!! Love your boyfriend and let him love you.
Posted by HornyLittlePoker on 2007-11-20 17:42:09


		please, look after you. hugs
Posted by kentlass on 2007-11-21 10:48:43


		As long as you have breath in you, honey, there IS hope! Yes, this is a terrible, terrrible thing that has happened to you, but, you CAN move past it! As suggested above, you need someone to talk to.....please find a counselor who specializes in helping others who have been through what you have (If you believe in God, may I suggest a Christian counselor?).....if you don't 'click' with that person, keep looking, PLEASE! If money is a problem, there are agencies who can help....some charge on a sliding scale, according to your income. Regardless, PLEASE seek professional counseling to help you....you CAN have a full and rewarding life, in spite of this tragedy! You CAN find peace and happiness! You CAN feel whole, again! You are in my thoughts and prayers! :)
Posted by Alice on 2007-11-26 05:39:28