My new feelings on Andrew are this.  I am falling down a massive hill.  At the top are conventional relationships and at the bottom is Andrew.  I am not in love with this man.  Love is not a word I use.  I have deep respect and admiration and care for him.  He is the one person who can bring that cheesy grin to my face.  He told me that he wanted me to be happy, no matter what.  Even if it meant detrimental harm to him.  I am happy when I am with him.  I just want to take him home and talk to him, and look at him.  Just to be around him, see him, hear him, feel his heartbeat, breathe him.  I understand him wanting to memorize people.  I want to memorize him, because I know that one day this will all end.  I don't see it lasting forever.  That little unknown, secretive relationship is what I want right now.  What would make me happy is being able to forget that I have to give him back.  Forgetting that this is not an important relationship.  That this is not a make or break relationship.

I really think that I should lie to the pretty much boyfriend "Evan".  I think that I should not tell him that he's not good enough.  I think I should lie and withhold information.  I don't want to hurt Evan.  With my bad habit of being a heartbreaker, I think he might go somewhere else before I decide to commit.  I don't want a serious relationship, I want a good friendship.  Evan is a good friend, thats all.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!