I have had a million things I was going to blog about today, and I may get to them all but this is the one that I think is most pressing on my mind as it just dawned on me.
The other day my wife and I had a long talk and to make a long story short, she seems to have no self esteem or self worth. She told me that she will become whatever it takes to keep me, be whatever I need, and say whatever it takes. She basically said she will become another person if I want. When I asked will there ever be a day when she says that she had changed enough, and I either take it or leave it? She said no.
This really worried me that I had broken her of any identity she had on her own and then an old story from our past came to me and it all made sense.....
About 2 weeks into our relationship I met another woman that I liked. she was cute, she was smart, and she was a nurse and I have a REAL deeply hardwired thing for nurses and teachers..almost a fetish. So we went out.
Anyway, we decided after a nice dinner to play mini golf..figured we had the "formal" now lets see the "fun". Well it was not fun. I can not remember exactly why this many years later, but something just was not clicking. The dinner was great. We had talked politics and life, and love, and people, and kids, and all the stuff you bat around a bit on a date that you want to see if there should be another one. But the golf part was just flat. Again I do not know why but something told me that this was not going to work between us and I think she saw it too. Anyway that nite I called my wife and talked. She knew of this date and asked how it went. I said it was ok but that when we were golfing I kept thinking that this would be more fun w/ her. She tell this story to this day as she was so happy I said and felt that.
My issue, why I bring this up now, is that I finally see what all that really was in her eyes. What I saw as a lil story, incident, where a woman met a guy, liked him, he went out with another woman and she still had him so she was happy was far more deeply meaningful . She gets her worth not from her but from others.
I told her that between her and another woman she won, and as things have gone forward I think that this was the first time that really had happened !! I am not saying this in a way that I am getting the meaning thru I think, and again, it could just be a case where you look at an old story thru new glasses and see the wrong thing. BUT, I think that like those old pictures that you had in magazines where it looked all blurry but put on the glasses and it is 3D, this is finally making sense now so many years later given what she said this weekend.
Shame is that part of the woman I want, part of what I want deep inside, is a woman that would never make herself into anything I wanted but would have the self confidence to tell me take me or leave me!! She may not see it now, but she did more harm to her goal than good. Because she can wear the clothes I like, give me sex the way I like, say things I like during sex, go places I want to go, even have surgery(AND NO THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WANT, I AM MAKING A POINT) to make her breasts bigger her ass smaller her face less aged and her tummy tight, she can do all that....but if she did it only to make me happy and gave up herself than what is the gain???
My deepest hope is that she finds the woman that is really in there under all the crap she has from her mother(who is a well meaning woman and loves her but) her father(again well meaning), and the men in her life past and present that what is under there makes her happy and if I am still here then, it makes me want to stay forever, and if not it makes the next man happy or she can be happy alone. I doubt she ever will get there, but I can hope
Want the kicker btw?
This story of this date w/ the other woman, the story she told the world for years....she now does not remember it at all.
I think the negative in her brain is slowly even killing the positive she did have
