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In the last week I have done alot of thinking, again, about who you are responsible for in life. Am I responsible for someone else's happiness or are they?
I know I took vows and all that, but the man inside that took them is not the man inside that is typing this, I grew. And I grew up. And now I am being told that those vows mean I have to stay and keep her happy, it is my job. But is it?
And if I am responsible for her happiness, who is responsible for mine?
And if I am, and I think my happiness lies elsewhere, do I go or are those vows chains that hold me here forever trying to make an unhappy woman happy?
I understand that she is hurt, and I caused some of that hurt.
I get that she is crying because of that hurt.
I see that it has only been a week since all this went down, but I can not live my life wondering if that song, or this TV show or this place will make her cry. And if that is how she wants to live life then she will never be happy, we can never move forward, the chance I am giving us is wasted on her and I need to move on.
I again ask, who is responsible for your happiness and are you responsible for other adults being happy? |
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Posted by whiteknight on 2008-04-21 07:17:52 | Rating: | Views: 166
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I dont think we are responsible for other peoples happiness. Or if we are, only to the degree that we have to accept some responsibility for the fact that we contribute in a big way to how happy they are. But ultimately we are only responsible for ourselves.
I think its wonderful that you are now trying so hard to fix your marriage but I'm gonna go out there and be a little controversial and say that I feel in your heart you have already left. Should it be this hard, if you love someone? Should you have to convince yourself? But all power to you for trying.
We affect everyone we come into contact with in our lives and how we rub off on them or affect them relies on how they react to us, so how can we be responsible for that, its beyond our control?
I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about at the moment, I just wrote a blog about how my pregnancy has fried my brain! I may think on this a little more and get back to you later on. Hope at least some of that made some sense. xxx
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Posted by chebtastic1
on 2008-04-21 07:40:26
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I am totally convinced that we are responsible for our own happiness. By the same token, I feel strongly that we are not responsible for other people's level of happiness. I can choose my response to the people who come into my life, but I can't choose theirs to me. If I choose to let them in beyond the layers of safety net I have lain over the years, then they can affect me. I can't choose whether they will let me past their safety nets so that I might affect them.
The notion that you took a vow years ago and therefore for the rest of your life you are chained to that vow is just wrong. People change and people grow and sometimes they grow in different directions. If we are honest with ourselves, we know that our love and our level of commitment to one person is by our choice. If I decide today that I am not happy with my husband and I need to move forward to the next chapter of my life, then nothing my husband can do will change that. Like cheb said..in your heart, you have already moved on.
What makes the most sense to me..is that you gingerly lay this relationship down and let it go. She will cry and she will struggle, but she will find her inner strength and get up and carry on. Prolonging the inevitable fact that you will leave seems cruel and though your heart is in the right place and you are doing it for her sake, it is a half-hearted attempt to hold her life together. Sometimes we can't fix things for other people and accepting that is the first step to true release from this responsibility. You just can't fix it. We can't choose what happens to us in life, but we can damn sure choose how we react to them.
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Posted by shemelts
on 2008-04-21 12:16:50
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We are each responsible for our own happiness. With that being said, it has only been a week and it may take your wife some time to heal. To be betrayed for years is a major to her heart and she can't heal over night. She needs time to mourn. It's a loss to be let down by the one that you love.
If you want to be there, then there will be hard times but things will get better if you BOTH want them to. You have to truly want it and it seems like you don't. It seems like your mind is made up that she cannot make you happy.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-04-21 14:23:35
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Sometimes you need to hit bottom to know where you are. It has been a short time. She has not had time to assimilate what changes there have been to your relationship. You did not make your behaviors clear to her during that time. No one is a mind reader, well, no one I know anyway.
You are not responsible to make and keep her happy always, but her sadness at learning of this is understandable. There are things I wish I had done differently in my life. I can't change the sadness I brought to my marriage. Wish I could. Wish someone had talked to me straight. Wish I had been straight with others so the advice I was given was appropriate.
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Posted by stillkickin
on 2008-04-21 23:37:11
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you are responsible for your own happiness. when things go wrong, you can blame others, but remember when you point the finger their are usually four more pointing back at you. : didn't mean for that to come across as towards you WK... more an in general comment, and hell I'm preaching to the choir on this one!
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Posted by otherwoman
on 2008-04-21 23:57:49
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I like the way Stillkickin speaks to you WK. He is someone who has the experience of hurting and being hurt in return. You still don't listen. Now the passion that drove you has left, you are back to what you were at the beginning - a man unhappy with his life. The fact that you chose someone you had not met or touched or smelt, shows your desperation. Be responsible for yourself, just for once. Listen to Stillkickin - you are going to have to live with your actions for the rest of your life. Maybe your wife is not for you, but stop putting her through the rollercoaster hell you do and give her her life back. Then and only then get on with your own. Do you ever read the mails of those women and men, hurting from being discarded? You have it in your power to change how you treat people. You say you have grown up. Really?
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-04-22 05:45:49
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We are totally responsible for our own happiness and cannot help others achieve theirs. Would we want to even if we could? I wouldn't. Its enough to take care of ourselves in this life. ty 'S'
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Posted by dreampower
on 2008-04-22 12:10:23
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We are totally responsible for our own happiness and cannot help others achieve theirs. Would we want to even if we could? I wouldn't. Its enough to take care of ourselves in this life. ty 'S'
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Posted by dreampower
on 2008-04-22 12:10:35
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Being someone whom has asked the same question about my own failed marriage, I had to learn that I am responsible for on my own happiness. Stillkicin is right in telling you to allow your wife some time to absorb everything. I hope that my words have helped you.
One Love
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Posted by Nubian
on 2008-04-22 12:24:03
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'THE CHANCE I AM GIVING US'???? How big of you! I don't understand why people treat you with kid gloves. You are so incredibly, unbelievably, stupidly selfish. Wake up and do the right thing for once in your life.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-04-22 12:51:37
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