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| THE HORRIBLE WORLD OF DATING
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The book I guess my wife is writing will be named that
Last night my wife and I had a talk about taking chances and I asked her to tell me a chance she took, she said dating...ok I get that I guess...but it was what came after that that made me see things may be worst than I ever imagined
My wife went on to say that dating was horrible, all the rejection, all the hurt, all the horrible dates. OK we have all had bad dates and sometimes it is hard to keep getting back on the horse and try again. but to still be this negative after all these years away from it seemed a bit strange. So I asked about her good times dating, she said she had very few except for me and went on to tell me stories of broken down cars(that actually were broken down), being stood up, and things like that.
Now I have have never been someone that just sees the positive end, I usually are waiting for the other shoe to drop when it is a possibility, but I always saw dating as an adventure. I had some bad dates, one blind date that I was sure was going to kill herself as she was so depressed, one date that made me so fustrated I sat in my car at a mall doing a primal scream so I could calm down. I was stood up many times.
I met women that were down right rude to me and called me a geeky nerd to my face when I asked if I should call her. I guess that was a no
But after every date I would go into work Monday, as I dated on the weekends usually, tell a few friends that looked forward to the soap opera that was my dating life the latest installment. I had a few laughs, got a little advice if they thought I messed up, and I did at times...like the time on the way home from a date I had to go the bathroom and left a date in my car parked outside a store while I ran in..I held it after that. I moved on and used the parts I could as lessons and the rest sort of laughed off.
Did it get me down? A bit, I mean was getting alot of first dates and no seconds, or a rare second date....but I do not see it all as some black hole of pure negative experiences...hell, some of the real bad ones make great funny stories...like the girl that told me she looked like Peppermint Patty from Peanuts when I asked her what she looked like on the phone...and she did!!!!
But to see the dating experience as a solely purely negative string of expereince like my wife does is a sign of a few possible things...and I wonder which one
To remember none of the good and all the bad, to see no funny stories, to not see it as part of life, to not laugh about the bad times because they can no longer really hurt yo shows me that maybe something really bad did happen that she never told me or anyone.....
or is it that she is just so negatively based? Yet at times I see her mindset in so many areas as Pollyanna and "if I am a good person all will be good" that it does not fit...
or have the negative parts of life began to scream so loud in her head they down lout the positive?
I am really worried, more than ever. that when/if I go then she will fall apart ....
or is dating worse than I remember?
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Posted by whiteknight on 2008-02-17 16:05:01 | Rating: | Views: 235
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| Blog Comments
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For some, patience is the name of the game when it comes to dating. If a girl was interested in me, I would ask her out. They pretty much gave me a chance for a date or two at least. I only was able to establish one long-term relationship before I met my wife in 1986. I wasn't worried or unhappy in any way about that. I didn't give my long-term prospects much thought. I knew though that I would continue to work hard, therefore it was guaranteed that I would find a good match someday. I was 25 when I met my wife and we didn't get married until I was 30. We didn't have premarital sex, just petting a few times.
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Posted by QuickHitGondolin
on 2008-02-17 20:35:30
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*sigh* this actually is the same attitude my boyfriend has...
tbh l think it comes from a history of criticism, at least in part - l know for a fact bf's family is... erm well overly critical, and there was abuse - its' wound up where he believes all negative things about himself, because believing even the smallest positive thing leaves him open to disappointment. l think what your wife needs, at least to me, maybe be councelling, to help her adjust hher view on life. seeing everything negatively is... well, living the world in shades of grey.
that's something that can happen for many different reasons, but if she doesn't have the control to be objective about the things in her past,s he's only going to ever see the negative - she probably wouldn't remember the time her date made her laugh so hard she couldn't eat, or w/e (random example).. it really is something you can get over, though. l firmly believe that.
maybe some couples' councelling? a hobby that gets her out to the world where she can see positive things, about herself and others?
and yeah... l used to see this in myself, too. life can be really hard sometimes. good luck though, it sounds like things are complicated, but... not over.
~fishes
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Posted by Fishy
on 2008-02-18 01:36:14
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Hey WK - maybe your wife will shake out of the comfort zone she is in if you do decide to leave her - but there is a bigger chance that she'll put it down to another negative experience.
Talk to her - tell her how you feel - if only a snippet. Give her a chance..... to open up to you - if you don't feel she has before.
I have one secret that I've only ever told my ex...... and although now he's left me - it released a part of me when I did.
Good luck and remember to keep communicating with her no matter what your GPS is set for!
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-02-18 17:34:41
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Well, coming from a single girl currently dating... it does suck, but not because of all of the "bad" guys I meet. Because, to be honest, they aren't bad. They just aren't a good fit. The hard part is getting out there and meeting people. It just doesn't seem to be that easy anymore. Online dating has opened up new avenues to meet people, but that comes with its own issues as well (emotion-less communication, window shopping- like tactics, and fantasy world mentalities). Yes, I've had some funny stories, some painful ones, some down right strange ones, and yes, I can get in a funk if someone (that I probably don't even really like) isn't interested in me. It's part of life. Finding a person that can stand your idiosyncrasies and vice versa, someone who you find attractive enough to make out with (subjective of course), and someone you want to talk to on a daily basis that doesn't make your ears hurt... that isn't very easy to find. She may have had a really bad experience that she doesn't want to share, or perhaps she's just not good with rejection and disappointment. We all suck at those things, but some of us really take it much more personally than we should... especially girls. Good luck! My only advice is to ask her. Open and honest. Tell her you are concerned and let her know you are there if she wants to talk about it. That's all you really can do.
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Posted by nadira
on 2008-02-18 18:11:08
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Im amazed two ppl can get married and not open these chestnuts sooner. Did everyone here who is married just run to Vegas? There are just WAY too many couples who seem uncertain of the person sharing their beds. I thought it was a good idea to get to know all the ins and outs before you commit...so as to not find any big potholes later. Not that this is a HUGE pothole, but... She sounds like my mother. If you ask her about dating, she will get just as negative. I'd say you did okay, knight...at least you got a book out of it:P I wouldn't mind reading the tales for inspiration...maybe beat my old fears. I also had a bathroom escape experience:P
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-02-19 01:28:12
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Pick up the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People...I know the teen book talks about shifting your paradigms, which can greatly improve your world view, and thusly your life. Share this book with her.
Dating can suck, but it doesn't always. It's really not that rough out there, and if it is, it's the lack of fit, not the people or dating itself.
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Posted by wee_star
on 2008-02-20 05:27:40
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