Yesterday we are driving to a "date" we had planned.
I had this idea that we would have a weekly date where we got out of the house and went somewhere.  Could be a park and just walk, a museum, anything.  Just some us time. 
Well the drive had become an "us" talk.  Her idea.
And at one point she was on her 11th smoke of the day.  
And somehow, and I can not remember how, we began to strike a deal.  A deal that I saw as a bad idea, but I was willing to try it in order to maybe get rid of her worst habit and keep her alive.
We would stop therapy, no marriage therapy, no therapy for her one on one(again this part is what I am giving up.  She thinks that all this therapy is bad and hates it.  I think anyone that reads this blog would disagree and thinks we need more not less marriage therapy) and she would stop smoking.
Every bone in my body said this was a deal with the devil.
Every fiber of me said this was a bad idea.
But I was playing poker here and wanted to go all in even though it was the kids college funds and the money to pay off the mortgage on the farm and get lil Sally her surgery, because I saw a reward worth the risk.
Problem is, my wife thought we were playing for matchsticks.
She would stop smoking until she didn't want to anymore.
And when she started again, even though I had given up my end already, she would simply pay no price.
So she left the table and took her bet.  She was not willing to really bet it all.

We went on the date, which basically was lunch and a little walking around.  We talked.  I am more sure than ever that while I am willing to really try, she is not.  And I think that "deal" we almost made says it all.   I am willing to risk and sacrifice to maybe save this, she just wants to hope wishing will make it so.

Now I know I will hear that I have been sitting at the poker table of our marriage with a secrect ace up my sleave for months and so it is not fair that I say she will not risk.  But that ace is now on the table, she knows it was there.  She also knows that when I had 3 aces and all I need do was pull out the fourth and win the pot, I chose to not play dirty and give her a shot at winning.