All this weekend KP has been down...I thought I might have done something as it felt different from her normal down, but it was just that a perfect storm of things had made her see the world a little darker than normal. Her mother and father died of cancer, her mother "would have been" 60th birthday Saturday, the fact that the way she normally celebrates that day not being possible because of her impending move and a broken VCR, the next round of chemo coming this week, seeing her daughter having to do this all one day remembering her, ...etc. Anyway she and I got into a discussion about my facing the reality of her mortality and that I need to stop being so "bloody optomistic". Well I see my job as just that, to be the dreamer, to be the one that makes her see the sun will shine and the clouds will part and she will see grandchildren and kiss me and travel and live to an old age. There are enough people telling her that things may not work, that chemo may not do the job and she may still need the surgery that has the chance of killing that sweet lil Aussie voice I love, that she might die. That is the doctor's job! That is the job of the men of science that prepare people for the worst and the best. My job is not that, my job is to make her dream the wonderful dreams. And I am very equipped for it as I love her and I do not have to endure the illness. Oh that I could I would !!!! I can afford to be a cockeyed dreamer as I get the have my hair and not vomit into a toilet and not feel pain that makes you want to not live. All those things are right at your finger tips KP, you will experience them full force. I will not. So I get to be the place where you go to laugh, to cry on my shoulder, to let the frustration and unfairness of life and sadness out as you pound on my chest in a blind rage at how horribly sick you are and how God must have a bad sense of humor in making this all happen to you. (PS all the people tempted at that last line to sermonize SAVE IT!!!! I will delete any and all of that stuff. It has it’s place but not here and now) Reality is what I face after we talk. I get to cry and worry and shake my fist at the guy upstairs. I saw what cancer did to a family member, but she is still alive. So I know that even when it is bad, it can get good. I also saw the BULL win once and take away a guy I miss laughing with at work everyday. So reality is there in my mind, but someone taught me to let my heart talk louder, so my head gets drowned out at times But when I am with you I am your white knight, your Don Quixote, your archangel with a sword in his hand fighting the Satan of death even when he looks like he will win , the voice yelling NO RETREAT,  NO SURRENDER!!!, the voice yelling I will not give up until you give up and then when you do I still hold you up till you take one more step and one more and one more till you stop giving up..  the man that tells you the world owes you favors and that after all this done I will hold you for real. I know you worry that the higher in the clouds I let my head float, the futher I will have to fall if you and I are not ever together…I have fallen before and this one might hurt a lot more than before but I am a big boy and I will make it. But as I will not need to endure that fall you have nothing to worry about. KP. I love you and maybe I am too deep in love, maybe all that Catholic school stuff that God is good and if you pray hard enough you will get what you need, maybe all that and just a feeling I have deep in me is making me not see the truth, the reality, but I know love conquers all and I know I am so in love I could fight every army in the world and conquer them in a flash. And maybe that is being a bloody Yank dreamer but if so let me dream a dream powerful enough for two, because I know that your body is not allowing your mind to dream such things for a bit, and as I said, that is my job. I post this not to hear praise, or because she has not heard this all, but to maybe hear if I am wrong and maybe too much sunshine is not good either.