After the post KP did this morning I almost melted
I am so in love with this woman and to read those words makes me more sure that I do.
She mentions something in that post that I have wanted to post about, I have mentioned it here and there, but never did a whole post on it. I avoided it for a few reasons, mainly that barring me finding a Delorean with some real great extras built by a nutty doctor, there aint much I can do to change this thing I am going to talk about.
In mid May 06 KP and I were going full hog.
Long calls to and from work, IM's , alot of I love you's, we were pinned in the red in terms of how crazy we were about each other. I loved it.
But then my logical brain stepped in
"You only know this woman for 2 months, how can you love her this much?"
"This marriage needs to be given a chance. How do you just walk away?"
"What will mom and dad and my sisters and brothers think?"
So I said i needed a week to think
We stopped talking
And then the Tuesday after Memorial Day I talked to KP. I told her we needed to calm down, we needed to slow down. Then she told me that she had already started to make plans to come, to this day I wonder how far?
I know some of it, but not all. I also wonder had she told me this before I took the week would I have maybe made a different choice?
But that is all history and as much as I see that as maybe the biggest choice I ever made in my life in the last 10 years, maybe it was for the best.
Ok KP you can get off the floor and read on
I am not sure the man she now loves would have ever blossomed from the boy/man she almost came to had she come.
I am a man now, tested by fire, who had to fight and continue to fight and wait and hope for what i really want.
I had to stand and not waiver through illness and all that.
I had to decide what I wanted, what it was worth, what I was willing to give up.
At the time I did it for a few reasons, the ones I gave before, but one other.
And it is not hard to figure out
I read blogs on here from women who have been cheated on. And I will admit full throated that in my heart I cheat every darn day! And had KP not become ill, I would have done it physically with her, at least for a week or so, last year. I do not hide from that at all.
But I do maybe seperate myself from the typical guy in this sense: I tried to really give my wife a chance! My turning away in May 06 was as much about the fact that I did not see it was fair to simply walk into my house one day, out of the blue, no warning shot, no signs, no nothing, and say it was over between my wife and I. I loved this woman. She and i stood before the world and professed that love. Now looking back I see that it was less a deep love and more a "this fits ok" love.
She need to be given a chance to keep me.
Hell, KP has even given me advice in that area ! My mistress has given me marital advice. In a sense she did this because she saw that she loved me that much that if for some reason I could not have her, I could at least be happy. Love is anting what is best for the person you love and KP wanted the best for me. In an area we will not discuss here, she knows I always want what is best for her and keeps her happy, even if it makes me go greener than green with jelousy.
But all the advice in the world did not help !
My wife blew her chance
And that is what makes May 06 hurt more. had she tried and failed, I mean really tried and failed, I would have maybe said that we gave it our best shot, it did not work and I move on. But in that case I would always feel she tried.
Now I feel that I gave up what i wanted to give her a chance she wasted by giving trying lip service.
But again, I made that choice. And the fact I made a choice I regret is a learning experience.
Yes I will not have as much time with KP as I would have had had i said yes. And yes I wasted time "building" memories that I will just tear down with my wife rather than with KP where they would be memories we could build on.
But
again
I am really not sure that the person on that phone in May 06, sitting in the parking lot at work, talking to KP would have been all that she needed and wanted and loved
The man typing this blog is all the man I need to be.
Had I said yes maybe I would have made 7 lives miserable in the long run
Because I said no, I think I have nights of regret, but when it is all done, the waiting will be all the better. And while this will never be painless in any sense, there will be crying, anger, all that on some people's parts, it will be worth it because KP and I will have lived thru and loved thru and grown thru all this to a point that nothing will break us apart.
A few weeks ago I saw the end of the 3rd Back to the Future movie
I sat there and asked why can't I get one use of a time machine to go back and fix that one mistake.
Maybe though it was a mistake like the one that helped discover pencillin.
Oh I still wish I had said yes, I think about that all the time. How I could help KP with her illness, how I would make her smile, how I long to kiss her goodnite rather than just read words on a screen or hear them on a phone....but maybe that is the mulch that this love needed to really grow to a strong unshakable tree rather than the sappling it was then.
Then I can look into the healthy eyes off the woman I love and tell the world 'Next time you better bring kryptonite"
