12572 Blog Feed: whiteknight 2008-05-16 08:05:25 whiteknight Your e-mail address 97521 2008-05-16 08:01:25 Last night NQRW went out for dinner with an old friend.  I have greatly encouraged this since before we were married.  She is one of the few women I have ever known that does not have a group of friends that she sees at times.  I am not saying you need to all go as a group every weekend, but if maybe every week or so she met a friend for dinner, a drink, maybe called them on the phone, anything, I think it would add to her ability to grow as a person.
So after I got home, made dinner, talked to a friend by phone for a bit and straightened up I decided to see what was on TV.  Nothing good on the networks so lets see what movies are on. 
GOODFELLAS !!! Love it and watched about 1/2 hr.  Then it gets weird because on "regular TV" they cut out alot and some of the cleaned up dialogue gets silly. 
surfed a lil more and found Superman II ... the good one, the one with General Zod !  And I had to laugh when I remembered what Lex Luthor wants in exchange for showing them where Superman is...AUSTRALIA!!!.. and he says it with such verve!
But I also like this one because there is a real moarlity play underneath all the comic book stuff:
Would you give up everything for the woman you love?
Sometimes is responsibility and duty more important than love?

I watch that movie, of course now knowing the ending since I have seen it, and you see him get into that chamber thinking he is giving it all up, giving up being invunerable, able to fly, X ray vision, the works !!!! But he gives it all up "forever" because he loves this woman.
"But I love her mom."
In a sense he was not invunerable.  She is the one thing that can get thru his outer shell and into his heart. 
And then he finds out soon after that he is needed to save the world one more time.  So as anyone that has seen the movie knows. he goes back, figures out how to become Superman again and saves the day.

I always thought there was a scene missing from this movie.

He saves the world but he can't have his love, yet that is never something he really seems to be botherd by.  Yes, I know, he has a duty to save the world and free them from the bad guy, and only he can do it(although all he need do is have the army shoot these guys with kyptonite bullets, but no one remembers that). 
One day I may be asked to give it all up for the woman I love and I am sure there will be moments where I know that had I stayed my former self someone would not be in pain, but I think that I have done enough to make sure my world is safe and secure from anyone that decides to come.  And if not, so be it.
I will get in that booth gladly, get hit by the rays of the red sun and never look back.  ]]> 97320 2008-05-15 16:23:43 The other day B Obama said he slipped up when he said he had visited all 57 states.
We only have 50....but wait
Maybe he gave away his plan.....
Canada has more than 7 provinices so it can't be them....Mexico is not big enough to need to be slipt into 7 states......what has about 7 states....
WAIT I KNOW!!!!!
Bullseye!!!!! We need to vote this guy in!!!!!!
Australia has 6 states and two territories but one is just a capital area like Washington DC so if we annex them they do not need a capital area...and so,,,,,7 states....50 + 7= 57
YES!!!!!



A boy can dream ]]> 97291 2008-05-15 15:22:39 Yes, I get that they need to stop one guy from doing it because if they let one do it, everyone will want to....but maybe they should let everyone do it.....and I am only 1/2 kidding
Yesterday NYU held the graduation ceremony at Yankee Stadium and a grad student was arrested after running on to the field and rounding the bases. 
Now I get that you can not do this during a game, it disrupts a game. 
I also understand that it might distract from the ceremony, but he did it near the end during a lull in the action.
And it was one guy and when he is going to get the chance again to do this?
The stadium is in it's last season (unless I get the second wish on my list and that new THING they are building across the street falls down in a 11.9 earthquake that hits just that block and leaves everything else untouched and the Yankees need to stay where they are and not close the cathedral of baseball to move to a " Walmart" of baseball )and he worked for years to get that Master degree and he had a shot and took it !
Let the kid run, let him have his fun and escort him back to his seat and tell the next guy that does it he will get thrown out of graduation.
I am not into anarchy but when did we stop letting people have a lil fun?

Or am I wrong?

  ]]> 97141 2008-05-15 07:31:30 I know I am going to hear that I should not feel the way I do, but I do!
A lil background:
My son is not the best at humor.  One of the effects of his learning disability is that he does not get sarcasm especially but any sort of subtle humor in general.  I can not tell you when he last told me a joke.
And really at this point it is one of the few parts of the learning issues left.  He has mostly shed the rest  
He is also trying his best in these last few days left to get a date for the prom.  He really wants to go. And his search was made ALOT harder by events I spoke about in my earlier posts where vicious rumors were spread making him seem like a crazed jerk.
Ok enough background

Seems that yesterday he was looking at some poster or something that had to do w/ the prom.  So some guy walks up and asks if he has a date.  My son replies no but I am still looking.
"Well you know, taking your mother does not count !" was the next words out of this other guys mouth as he smirked.
Now any other time my son would have walked away and ignored the words....NOT THIS TIME!!!!!!
He turns and tells the guy "No, I plan to take YOUR mom !"
The other kid walked away according to my son w/o another word.

When last night while I was asking how school was and any prom update, and he told me this story I almost hired a brass band !
I know that at 18 a "mama" joke is not that big a feat, but for this kid it was like he just killed on The Tonight Show.  That he thought of it, said it and stood his ground is great. 
The kid might actually make it.  ]]> 96928 2008-05-14 20:22:56 Ok I give
I did not mean NEVER comment on my blog !
If I went overboard when I defended KP and myself I did it from a lil bit of being fed up.  99.99 percent of what people say is fine.
Come back all is forgiven ]]> 96775 2008-05-14 11:19:51 I swear I posted on this before but I can not find it, so maybe I started and did not post it.  If i did bear w/ me
While driving to work today I was listening to Howard Stern.  He was recapping the show of yesterday where Jerry O'Connell, the actor, was talking about how his wife has hit him at times.

Now early on NQRW hit me more than once in the shoulder.  I would just turn to her and calmly say "Would I hit you?  If not why do you hit me?".
These were no love taps, they were done in fustration or anger, but they were on the shoulder and she is not that much a puncher so I just took my moral win and let it slide.
 
But listening this morning I heard as they debated why women feel it is OK to hit men.  Is it that they know that most men, the one's that are not jerks, have been almost hardwired to not hit women?  So they feel that they can hit us w/ not expectation of return.  Is it that no man would feel good having to tell people he is a battered man, yet unfortunately we have shelter after shelter for battered women?(By that I mean it is sad we need them at all, not that they get it and men do not. )Is it that most men are married or involved with women that could give us a good swing of the fist and, unless they go for the face or genitals, most men are safe and can take it in stride?  

Why is this?

If the roles were reversed and Jerry O'Connell's wife, Rebecca Romaine had come on Howard Stern or any show and said he hit her, it would be the cover of the National Enquirier at least and  maybe even The NY Post.  The report she hits him did not make a ripple !

No one should hit anyone, but why can women hit men and unless it is a very extreme example it is not a big deal?

]]> 96460 2008-05-13 15:30:36 I heard a intresting report to day that according to some survey or something that old people are happier than young people.

The hosts of the radio show I heard it on debated this back and forth.  First was it true?
I am not sure.  I mean I have met some miserable old people in my day and met some that are happier than anyone I have ever met in my life.  If you look at my own family, I think my parents are happier than their older kids but not their younger ones.  So maybe it is a curve?  I mean they have kids in  three decades of life and I hazard to say the ones in their 40's are less happy as a group then the one in her 20's.
Yet in their 60's my parents are happy as I ever have seen them.

Then they talked about why?
Maybe it is that the burdens are gone that plague younger life.
You have kids out of the house and now they are on their own, so no more worries about college or that stuff.  And also they get to watch kids and grandkids thrive.  Not all kids do, and some bring heart ache, but again...maybe most don't.
You also have or have not made it in life so you either accept it, like maybe many do and that is where this stat is from, or don't.
I mean are you really going to see a 65 year old man worrying about climbing the ladder?  He has made the top rung or so he will ever make, so he either sees that and it makes him happy or it makes him sad.  Maybe for many it makes them happy.
Also you are not worrying about getting old, you are old.  As much as I fight the whole mid-life crisis stuff and as much as I know that 45 is not too old to begin again, I know that the time to break this all down and begin again is slowly going away. 
"No one wants to be the old man at the club" in the words of Chris Rock.  
Maybe also they just have seen that the day to day stuff that the younger end worries about is not worth it.
I am just hoping that if it is true, that I get to be in that happy majority.  
  ]]> 95840 2008-05-13 07:56:03 As I said my mom was away so I did not get to see her
My son is 18 and I have decided that his mom is his mom and not mine so he needs to take care of her on Mother's Day. I would help in any way I could but this was his mother.
So the day begins
He is in bed sleeping as he did almost all day, rarely coming out.
My wife went out with her mom to lunch while I did some house cleaning and the lump slept. 
A few hours later my wife comes home.  Her day with her mom was OK.  No indication is was great, wonderful, horrible, anything, just OK.
As I feel bad that my son is being so neglectful, I offer to take her, not him, just her, out for a dinner.  Nothing fancy I say, just pizza or something like that, but out.  She declines.
She wants to make dinner.
So I wait, and I wait....the son never offers to help, never offers to set  the table, nothing.  When he finally come out I ask him what he plans on doing for his mom for Mother's Day beyond the card I had to almost pull him out of his room to give her.  He did buy it so he is not a complete jerk, but still I should not need to remind him to give his mother a card.
When?
He has no idea.
It will never happen, trust me.
Listen, I am never going to win honors as husband of the year on here, but your mother is your mother and yes there are bad mothers, but he does not have one of them.
One of my biggest concerns in everything that is going on here is that NQRW needs a saftey net, people who will make sure she gets a soft landing.  Shame is her son, her only child, seems unable to be any part of that net. ]]> 94917 2008-05-12 00:01:00 Even I, a big Howard Stern fan, gets tired of listening at times.  I am not fan like some of these nuts he has on that camp out for days or are outside his studio at 5 AM and all that, I just think the guy is funny and I have listened since he first came to New York when I was in college. 
Anyway this blog is not about Howard....
So I switched my Sirius radio over to the Love Song channel, and I find out that Neil Diamond music has taken it over, I hope just for a week and not for good.  I mean I like some of his stuff but 24/7 Neil Diamond?!?
The song that was on as I turned it on was the one about the travelling preacher, you know where you grab the babies and old ladies and that stuff....and it was ending so what the hell listen to see what the next one is for laughs.
Well it is the song I'M ALIVE
And really the words beyond that phrase are not what got me, it was that chorus, those two words.
The real, alive, fun, 45 year old, matured, passionate me is inside me screaming that he is alive!  But the problem is that until I get away from alot of the stuff in my life he can never live.  He is yelling it almost as a cry for help, that he is alive down there but needs to be let out !   I get to let him out at times but he wants an all access pass to the world.  When he comes out I am happier and more the man I want to be. 
My wife I think hates  this new ALIVE me.  She wants the old passive, well not that passive as I had a temper that made me yell at people(not her or the son)when I got mad, the old me.   She liked the guy that suffered in silence.
KP helped me bring out alot of the me that I am talking about.  He was coming out before i met her and in many ways I am not sure that he was was not there my entire life and just did not take a nap for a bit.
The me that wanted to go to law school, took the LSATs and then never went(scored high too)
The me that was going to tour the country when I got out of college but didn't...I did it later, which I think may have been the beginning of the rebirth !
The me that came up with wild ideas for buisnesses and kept dreaming even when people said they were nuts...never was able to do any of them but one and I am still trying to get that one going.

Yes I hear you down there yelling my friend.... 
]]> 93829 2008-05-11 16:20:07 I think I did this before, but as I can not find it I will do it again:
As a supervisor one of my least favorite times is now and Novemeber.  At both points I need to do performance evaluations.  Frankly you could fail and it does nothing, you could be the best and it does nothing, they are for the most part meaningless.  But like many things in life, they are an evil that you do because you have to.  Now I should say that eventually a bad rating will bring about problems but it takes alot. 
So I sit down and write them up.  In an effort to make sure no one fails and it is not subjective they give me 16-20 areas to pass or fail people on and then comment.  If they took out the BS parts that are there to pad the score, you most likely would have 10 areas and more failures, but can't have that can we !!!

So we have all types:
THE LAWYER: The woman in my unit that wants to argue every comma, every line, what every word means, how did the people who wrote the categories mean this or that...as if they were framers of the Constitition... 
She also makes this evaluation out as if it will follow her thru her life and haunt her forever when nothing is further from the truth.  
What is a 5 minute process with everyone else is 2 hours with her where I have to have every statitic, every past evaluation they ever used and show how the categories evolved or she claims that the entire process in invalid.  She also, ironically, is the woman I mentioned in my earlier post that falls apart at the first sign that she did anything wrong.   
THE "I AM TRYING": The person that thinks that trying is enough and if you are not doing goal work, not even near it that that means they should be seen as OK.  That is fine if you are close to meeting expectations but I mean if you are stuck in the ice and snow and spinning my wheels, I can make those tires spin and make that engine roar but it gets me nowhere fast even though you are trying.
Yes trying is wonderful and the blessed nuns that taught me in grade school would always tell me that if they knew you were trying they would never fail you, but this is not grade school and I am not wearing a habit !  If this sounds harsh let me add this, we deal with people who are counting on us to maybe survive in terms of money.  They may or may not be legitimately able to get our help, but even if it is a "no", these people should get as fast an answer as possible.      I know that if it was my family member or me I would want that type of service and someone saying they are trying and failing would not make me any too happy. 
"JOHNNY GOT STAY OUT LATE": "other supervisors" do this or that and why don't you?  Or that other people are not held to the written standards so why should they be.  I often equate this to when your parents would just answer that they do not care, they are not that kid's parent !  They also sem to be like children in that they are constantly "counting cookies on the other kid's plates" as I call it.
Why did he or she get only two assignments while I got three today?  And the fact that it all averages out is a new and foriegn concept.
Not getting the message: One person I have fails every time I need to do this.  His evaluation is 3 inches thick with memos from just the last six moinths that I had to type and give him showing all the areas that he is not doing well in almost weekly.  Yet he says that a word to the wize is sufficient and he will do better, he signs his evaluation and moves on as if nothing happened.  No amount of retraining, memos, talks, etc get through.  One failing evaluation would be enough for me, but I sweat giving it to him more than he does getting it.  
NUMBERS LIE: This one is "related" to the lawyer.  She decides that the statistics are the problem, not her.  She wants how each number was calculated and why the number she gets is 10.25 and the firm got 10.249.  This is not rocket science where even that small a difference means we crash or we live, it is a performance evaluation where 10 is a goal so that difference means nothing, but we must debate for 20 minutes why there is this difference.

I almost want to kiss, but can't because of a possible sexual harrassment suit(kidding)the people that see that they pass, sign in the three or so spots they need to and ask how my weekend was.  No muss, no fuss !   
 

]]> 95575 2008-05-11 11:47:54 My mom is out of town today so I have a few minutes to ramble here. I have a few ideas for blogs so I thought why not combine them and make them one.
I know a few mothers in my life.  My mother is a good mother, she made sure her kids always knew they had the ability to do whatever they set their minds to, but also never became Kathy Lee Gifford....well not anything.  She had a bad habit of thinking some of my ideas were too off the wall.  Shame is that at least one of my ideas is now making someone millions, thanks Mom.
But seriously, she was a good mom and I think her best quality as a mom is she tried. 
I know a mom that I am married to.  She tries too.  Do I sometimes wonder how far my son would have progressed with his issues had I not been there?  YES, but who knows, maybe w/o me she might have grown, ironic huh?, and been able to handle the challenge he is/was/will be.
I know other moms.  Some are good mothers in bad situations, some have moments of weakness, some even do things they regret in those moments, but I think as I get older I see that as long as you try then you are are good mom.  I mean really try, not just say you do.  If you have a good heart you will be a good mom.

Another thing that I have started to think that maybe people need to address is what I think is the "Christmas Syndrome". 
Ever just been a bad mood on Christmas or Easter, or Thanksgiving or Mother's Day?  And people look at you as to how could you do this on ______? I mean sometimes life happens on those days.  There is a great line in the movie ROCKY "For you it's Thanksgiving, for me it's Thursday."  Maybe some of the pressures of life come from that we expect these holidays to be almost like another dimension.  Life goes on, people die, are born(although that is not a bad thing), get sick, get angry, fall in and out of love 365 days a year.  Maybe if we remember this we will all be happier not trying to make the 10 days or so that are special holidays into something they are not.

This last one I think I posted on before but I can not find it so bear w/ me if I did:
Can us dads get a few more songs?
Listen to the radio on Mothers Day.  You get hours of music to mom.  
I always love my Mama, M O T H E R, etc....
But what does dad get from the songwriters? 
Cats in the Cradle? Great ! If I was a neglectful dad I would be honored.
Leader of the Band? I am not dead and can not carry a tune in a bucket or play an instrument.
Color him father? Well in my situation being a step dad to a son of a dead man this is close, but what about the rest of dads?

Just some ramblings

  ]]> 95379 2008-05-10 19:36:47 A few weeks back I posted about how I was trying to turn things around in terms of money.
I am paying off things and cutting where I can
No more HBO,XM radio, etc.  If it is a want not a need I am trying to cut back.
And one area that I thought I might trim a bit was the credit cards.  I do not use any of them but I am paying off what I have.  And everytime I am at all late with a payment and get a call, the next words out of their mouths is always about "a program" or "we have ways to help you",  And as they are usually calling as I am about to eat or watch a great TV show or walk out the door I say no.
Well yesterday I thought I had a few minutes why not listen?
So I called them
What a waste of my time. 
Three calls to three cards and all I got was "Sorry, nope,we have nothing"
Finally on the third call I was so ticked I asked why do they offer programs on the phone when they call but when I call to take them up on the offer I am met with an attitude as if I am speaking another language?
They could not explain it but said if I have that question I should wait until they offer again and ask them, "maybe they have programs we don't"
But they work for the same place right?  Yes but they are not the same department and they never talk !
Left hand, meet right please
This is almost as stupid as the credit card employee that once told me that maybe I could skip my mortgage and car payments every so often and pay them more!  When I asked him to repeat that, and he did and I asked to speak to a supervisor and was told by the supervisor that it might not be a bad idea! 

]]> 95052 2008-05-09 15:20:31 I would say that this is something you learn over time but I am not sure...

Even though I am a supervisor and may need to discuss sensitive issues with people, they do not provide us with a real office, just a glorified cubical.  So no door and walls that do not reach the ceiling.  So I need to whipser or run off to a meeting room every time I want to talk in private to an employee.  It is a pain
I also have a situation in which my sister and the woman that sits near my "office" have the same first name.
Last week I get a call from my brother and he is complaining about something with my sister and as I was on lunch I talked a bit.  This is a sister I am not fond of, none of us are.  She tests the thickness of blood to the degree that it should not be tested !
Well later in the day the woman that I work with comes in my office looking like a wounded animal.  She had a look on her face that made it look like she had just been told her puppy died.  She sits down and starts to cry.  And I look at her and ask what is wrong?  
Now before I go on, this woman is a 20-something woman that is hard to supervise as every time you tell her she did something wrong she acts as if it is a personal insult and crawls into a ball.  I have seen this, her past supervisors have and she in fact admits she is too sensitive.
Seems she heard my call and assumed all I said about my sister was about her!
Ok I spoke in hushed tones so she had to TRY to listen.
Maybe it would have been best to let it slide, because from now on I know she is an easedropper.

People need to realize that showing you are listeningto other's conversation is not a great idea.  Had a girl that was a friend, in fact for a brief time she was even my girlfriend in college.  It was so brief I hardly call it a relationship.  But we would eat out at times as her dad was some big lobbyist and would invite me and her to dinner, he liked me and was pushing me as a boyfriend.  More than once he had something come up at the last minute and would leave us to eat alone....looking back, the 5 or 6 times he did it, maybe one was a way to get us to have dinner alone, the rest were legit emergencies.
The reason I bring her up is that more than a few times we would be eating and someone at the next table would be trying to remember a movie name or a person's name or something.   I would almost have to tackle and gag this girl to keep her from answering!!!!
If I tell you that answer, it tells them yo are listening to their conversation!
And she never could get that doing that was not a great idea.  "But they want the name and all I am doing is helping"   
I never can understand why people do not get that while in this world of the cell phone some idiots will be telling their life story to a train full of people at the top of their lungs, most people like the idea of privacy and to indicate to someone that you are listening to every word they say is maybe not the best idea.
Or am I wrong? 

]]> 94923 2008-05-09 07:57:35 Big shocker here: I read KP's blog everyday
OK now that the stunned feeling of this wild revelation is gone I can proceed
She wrote one today that reminded me of an incident with my son and homework, well two really....
My son has issues in a few areas concerning school.  The social end he is getting better at, the emotional end is also getting better too.  The learning part is still an issue but that is getting better also due in large part to me...and I know that she avoids commenting on my blog, but KP feel free to back me up on this from what you know....
About 3 years ago my son was in a US History class, lucky boy, and they had to write a paper on some issue of the 20th century.  For reasons I will never get he picks Prohibition.  So after asking over and over and over again when he will start this, he finally answers me and says today.  OH but wait, it is due tomorrow !
Well we sit and we write.  I get him to construct a half decent paper on the subject in long hand in legal sheets.  So now it is time to type it on the computer.  As he starts and moves on it becomes apparent that 8 1/2 years of school in a school system that is awarded prizes for its excellence has produced a child that can not spell at all !  I am not a great speller(as many of my blogs show), but I am talking about a spelling so bad that I think I saw a resignation letter being typed in the background by the computer's spellcheck system!  It could not take it anymore.
So I go to the school and ask them hopw this could be.  At first they were sure I was being drmatic but to placate me they tested him. 
Two days later I got a call to apologize at how bad he spelled and for them not beliving me.  They have addressed the issue and it is light years better now.
Spell check was lured back with a raise and a corner office in the processor.

.........I will give you part two of this post later  ]]> 94646 2008-05-08 15:26:31 Other that being a human I always thought there would be NOTHING I and Hillary would have in common.  I dislike the woman with a passion....
but maybe there is....
I watch the news and I love politics.  I remember sitting in class after Poli-Sci  class and talking about how it was possible for a candidate to get less votes and still be President.  Then I saw it happen !
(It had happened before but no one alive had seen it)

Now we have an old style campaign that may make a convention a convention and not a crowning of a nominee. 
This might be fun.
Can anyone say 1968 in Chicago?

But now I think this is getting sad.  Sure she can still win the nomination if a few things happen.  Maybe, as Jay Leno joked the other night, Obama goes bowling with Rev Wright and Bin-Laden.
He still does not have the lock on the nomination.  But he might as well.  He has won.  She needs to quit the race.
You need to know when to say it is over. 

Maybe I do too.
The NQRW has sunk to emailing me to "discuss" things.  This I think is a sign that we need to start emailing attorneys.  She proceeded to not blame and then blame me for things that are going on with her in terms of minor health issues.  She then said this was her way of talking without arguing.  No, this is how you talk w/o talking!!!
That is not a marriage

Hillary says she is fighting on
I may hang on as I get my ducks in a row, but I think my days of fighting for this to work are over.  I will go thru the motions in a sense but unless I see change, I am not going to really try as much. ]]> 94519 2008-05-08 07:43:39 As I go through this process I seem to have a very bad, yet very good habit.  I keep telling new people about this.
Maybe it is that I was so closed off in terms of this all, I had to keep it secret from everyone that now that I have cracked the dike, I want it to just break.  Maybe it is so it softens the blow for people when I do finally tell the world, if I do, that I am leaving my wife.  That "if" is slowly and more solidly becoming a "when" but there is always hope.

Anyway....

Part of telling people is they ask questions.  You get the same ones about thinking you were perfect for each other, does she love you, are you ready to face the world alone...and the people I tell the KP part to, even though she is still not out of the shadows, they give me the third degree on her and has she asked for money, do I really know she is a woman, how can you know and feel for someone from that far away, all that BS.....At times I almost want to print out a sheet of FAQ's and hand them that.
Sometimes you get a good one that has not been asked before.
That is when the questions are worth it

"Do you really love your wife?" and "Given what you are telling me, why did you just tell her you love her when you and she were on the phone?"
Great questions a friend asked me yesterday.
Well I do not love my wife anywhere the way I did once.  In fact in many ways I think it has become more a feeling of obligation then love.  Like I have said over 100 times it seems on here, I feel I walked into this marriage, changed the direction of her life, made promises, and the least I can do is not just walk away and let her crumble.  And yes I know many will say that she will be stronger than I think..."You have killed me inside","I will never date again because there is nothing left inside of me to feel love or trust.", "I am not sure how I will react but I will be a shell just walking through life not able to feel."  That is what I hear from her and so I think I am closer to the future then the strong woman contingent.
Oh and this is a woman that wants OUT of therapy!
I feel sorrow that I am hurting her.  I am not sure I feel love.
Last night she started to call off from her part time job at night as she was a little tired.  I talked her out of it.  Why?  Because I had things to do. 
We had no 18 yr old last nite.  We could have talked and really connected who knows what else.  Months ago I would have jumped at this chance.  Last night I talked her out of it . 

As for the words:
Well I say them more out of reflex, like many people who say them to someone alot.  I will say that when I said them to KP, that was a voluntary action, with my wife it is like blinking, I say it without thinking. 
So this morning I tried a test.  I kissed her goodbye, said we would talk at lunch, we sort of did a quick recap of any issues like pick ups/drop offs/dinner/appointments/calls I need to make/final plans for Mother's Day and then I left.  Never said it.  She never said it.  And I wonder if she noticed.
KP once pointed out that when my wife came home and I was home that the dog got greeted first and with 20x the affection I did.  I put it off to a location issue at first, the dog was closer to the door.  But then I really changed a few variables and tested and while first greeting may have been fluid, the intensity never was.

This last addition has nothing to do with either question but I think points out alot.
I had nodded off in bed while I waited for her to get home, but once home her moving in the bedroom even though she was quiet woke me up.  That was fine and in fact sort of good.  We exchanged a few "How was work?". "What did you do tonight?" questions and then I reached for my CPAP mask as I have apnea.  She seemed disappointed I was reaching to put it on and asked if I was putting it on in a very disappointed way.  I indicated I did not have to and laid there....waitng....she walked out of the room...I waited...she turned on the TV in the other room....I waited....after 15 minutes I put it on and went to sleep.  My point?  I am not sure other than it seemed she wanted me to stay up and talk or something and when I was open to it, she walks away. 

]]> 94211 2008-05-07 14:47:32 ( A gold star to anyone that gets the title's source)

OK so last nite was marriage therapy, but this is less about the therapy and more about pre & post the therapy.
To her credit my wife saw how nuts it was that she wanted the gifts gone, I make them not come, and she gets disappointed they are not coming.  She explianed that she wanted to win the war(did not know it was going on) and so that was where she had decided to fight.  The box would come, I would say I did not want it and send it back as a show of her being more important then the stuff.  That is a great fantasy, and I would have sent them back, but because she said so, not in some galant gesture.  But she saw that my contacting KP to make them not come was enough....not really but she would tell herself it was(her words)....and so she apologized.

NQRW went on to moan that she is fighting a fantasy in that I have made KP into the perfect woman and she can not beat perfection so she will always be 2nd.
a) KP is in the shadows and may not ever really come out
b) KP is not perfect and i know that.
c) Right now I am married to NQRW, stop worrying about this other woman and try to make me love you and she will go away for good

I tell her all that and it does little so now her and the therapist are both convinced I am not over KP, not at all....well maybe or not....but right now you have me and instead of saying lets make this work, you and me, I hear the name of KP over and over from NQRW.   
Be angry
Be mad
Be sad
But do not complain that she is always a subject at home when you bring her up.

Finally there is this:
I think it is beneath my wife to name call in this.  KP may be alot of things, but "it" or "that" is not one.  Call her "she" or "that person" or "that woman" with venom on every letter if you want.  But do not make her a thing.  She is a person.
Or am I wrong? 

]]> 94207 2008-05-07 14:31:23 I have a few posts in the chamber but need to polish them a bit so here is one that I could tell you the story, or make a question, so I figured make it a question:

You go out with someone for a bit, maybe a year or more. 
  No marriage, no engagement, no kids.  
   You break up in an amicable way.  There is no bad feelings just you grew apart or whatever the case may be.  
     Now it is a year later and you run accross them at a party, on the street, whereever you want to imagine you are.
      
And here is the question:

Is it natural that you still have feelings for them?  OR is it more natural not to?
I know that there may be many side issues like are you in a relationship now or are they, but forget all that.  I am not talking about feelings that this one got away or you want back together, although they may also come.  I am talking about a fondness, the old love you felt still there if in a different form.   
      Again I am not saying you fall into each other's arms or anything. but do you still have that feeling at all like you did, again even if it is a muted or morphed version?
  ]]> 93495 2008-05-05 19:13:27 I really shake my head at this one as I do many things lately.
OK, as anyone that reads me knows, there was a gift issue with KP and me and NQRW.
As she brought the subject up 5 times on Saturday I decided to inform her now that KP had emailed me in response to an email I sent her and said they were not coming.  I had known this for a bit but thought it best to not mention any contact at all and simply said that the gifts most likely might not come, or she probably kept them , and other vague mentions that suggested to her that they were not coming.
But as that was not enough I told her while discussing my reading at the psychic that emails had happened, the gifts were not coming and she had no worries.

OK now let me use my male, meaning that I see it as a man and not a woman so maybe I am missing something here, mind here and analyze this:
Gifts were coming
  Gifts were an issue
     I email KP and say do not send gifts
        This solves issue and all are happy
            All but me but......She should be happy right?
Right?
Did I miss something?
Do I need a trip to Venus ladies?

Well NQRW's reaction stunned me.  I thought I might get a reaction in that I emailed KP.  I was ready for that and that did not come.  She was a little miffed but saw that I thought it was needed.
No, her reaction is disappointment. SHE WANTED THE GIFTS TO COME!!
Wait and let that sink in
She wanted them to come
Why you ask?

Well it seems that she was looking forward to them coming so that then we could discuss the gifts and then I would want them and she could leave.

So we have not discussed them enough?  She has been haunted by this darn Aussie football and hat for weeks.  She brings it up almost daily so I call Ghostbusters thinking the haunting will stop and she tells me she likes the ghost?
And then when they show up she already had planned to go?
Well if she wants to go, then go.
Why does she need the gifts to make her go?
She needs these items in a box sent from another country to decide her marriage?
I have married woman at work that I talk to alot.  We never go to lunch or anything but when she comes in every morning we catch up and we talk alot about work stuff and non-work stuff.  I have heard of the new trend of "work spouses".  She is hardly that, maybe a "work girlfriend"....and trust me she will never become anything more as she loves her husband and is sort of not my type.  Smart woman but not my style, and I am not her's....I will call her HH
Anyway....HH is amazed that NQRW is so passive in all this.
NQRW is letting me decide if I am leaving
She is telling me it is all my decision and she has nothing to do with it.
And I think this gift comment seals it.  She has no intention of ever deciding to go on her own and since she can not get me to decide for her, as I am willing to try at this, she had decided to let a box of things decide?
HH has often told me that I would be afraid to sleep if I pulled this on her, forget gifts and days in NYC and all that!  That I could respect as a reaction.

I wonder now that the gifts are not coming will she pick Forget me nots and try that?




 

]]> 93437 2008-05-05 16:01:06 It was a few weeks in the making, in fact was planned before "Operation into the shadows", but I saw a psychic today.  I have never been one to believe in that but thought what the heck when someone suggested it.  At worst it was a goofy experience and I have wasted more money on worse stuff...
I also was mentioned once in a reading KP went to so I wanted to see what the "other side "had to say now.

So she told me I have had alot of confusion in my life and that unlike ever before I am making decisons with my heart not my head.  She said this is not really bad but just not my usual style.

I have alot of extra anxiety

NQRW is annoyed and has no patience for me and is maybe smarter and more aware of what is going on then I think.  She is also going to start to not let me get away with as much BUT I can solve this by lieing.

June, October and next February are big times for me.  Alot of change and happening in those months.

Oh and my mother in law does not like me, and really never has even though I thought she did.  That seems reasonable.

Ok, OK, I know...what did she say about KP and me?  That is what everyone wants to know...
Well I got no real answer to that except when I chose to stay in May '06 and not have her come it was not a mistake, I did not pass on a once in a lifetime chance.  In fact things would have stayed push/pull even if she had come.  She got alot right about KP and some wrong and missed a BIG thing that sort of made me wonder.  But it seems that if that situation is over, she would not get it.
Got alot of warnings about KP. but nothing that said this was a bad idea, just have caution.  Alot of go slow and you do not know her deep secret...Ok admit it KP, you were born a man right?  JUST KIDDING!!!
As I said, I wish my grandmother would not have talked so loud from the afterworld...LOL.
For the record, this same grandmother saw doom and gloom and motives in everyone and never really anyone was what they seemed.

There was more but some is personal, some you would not care about, some I don't get, and a few things I want to think about before I post it....but would i do it again?  Yes and will in 6 months to see if the spiritworld has any updates....

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