Well one of us decided and then we both did,Again, you read her side. I was not sure how or if she would tell you all. I guess you were owed this chapter, you had read the rest.
KP, I am not mad and to answer your email concerns, I do not hate you, I could never do that. I will make this a chance to make sure that what I am deciding what is final and correct. So let me tell this from my end.
A lil background....My computer crashed last week so I am
sort of using WIFI here and there till I get a new one, that is
a post in and of itself ....
Friday night I bring my laptop to my local place that has free
Wifi and look at my emails. I find one from KP. I knew this
was coming in a sense and as I read it, I had the strangest
feeling. I was not having this feeling that I wanted to stop
this, that she had to change her mind...I sort of felt this
coming and so I just saw it as a next step. I did not cry, I did
not yell, I was not afraid or mad. And except for three things
she needed to know or be asked I respected her not wanting
any contact for.....well till whenever. I knew that with all that
had happened in that last week that KP needed to sort out her
life. She wanted me to sort out mine, she said she loved me,
told me not to make the over the top moves to win her back.
What stuns me is that I really did not want to. I think that
this dance we have been doing for 2 years needed to stop on
both sides. I push, she pushes, we fall back together until
she pushes or I push again. I think maybe this is the best
time for this step. She is better. I helped her through that.
She needs now to decide the rest of her life and needs me to
either be all in or all out.
I guess we could be friends, but given my actions in the next
few hours, that is not an option really anymore. Plus I think,
like the song says, I love her too much to ever start liking
her.
I knew we needed this. I had sort of decided that if this time
KP or I was going to make the big step, that it needed to be
the last one. It needed to be THE step that ends this story’s
current chapter and begins the next one. The one where
either she and I never meet and die knowing this was a fun,
interesting, enlightening part of our lives OR we are together
forever. No more middle, no more fence!
I did not get mad, I did not hate her for walking away like
she said I might. I even understood why she did not tell me
by phone.
But what next?
I knew what was next
I got into my car and drove to where my works at night and
saw her. She was stunned .. ..why was I there? I told her we
needed to talk and had she had her break yet? During her
break we talked.
I had planned to just say that I had decided to restart and try
to fall back in love w/ her. I was never going to tell her
about KP. But I mentioned something, I forget what, and she
saw there was more and before I knew it she knew about a
temptation. I had sort of envisioned this moment in my brain
more than once. I always had it happening after the divorce.
She had none of the reactions I expected. Her break was
short, so she was back to work and I was back home before
we could either one really say much. I had decided that the
only way to fix this was to really do this all, tell the truth, the
whole, truth. Anything my wife wanted to know I would tell
her(well maybe not it all but most things). I drove home
crying, knowing I had just taken my life down a road that
would not ever be the same.
Usually when she gets home I am in bed sleeping. Tonight I
was up! I feared she would not come home maybe, she said
she would, but I feared she might change her mind. She
blamed herself during the short time we had talked and
maybe that was just too much for her. She saw it as
punishment from above for past things that I will say were
not at all her fault. Things that were before me being in the
picture.
Let me stop here, I want to explain.
Did I mean what I said? Yes! If we really had to stop down
for a long term look at all this I wanted to give my wife, me,
and in a sense KP a true chance.
I still love KP
I will not stop loving loving her and that is me being honest
I hope that when all is said and done we can both be happy.
Happy with or without each other, and yes, if I am
completely honest I hope that life figures out a way to have
us be happy together. I could feed you all BS and say that I
am giving up on her, but that would not be honest!
So that being said, my wife came home...
The weekend was not easy
We talked a lot, we cried, she forgave me, and I tried to fall
back in love with her or at least start the process. I am not all
that sure I can, for many reasons. This may end up bad but I
will try and make this work. As I said, this needs to be my
last attempt at this so I need to make sure I am all in, or I
might as well just walk away now and roll the dice.
For the people who will read this and say I am asking for
pity...nope...I made this set of decisions and now it time for
me to stand up and live with the outcomes. Right now this is
the latest outcome, there will be more later. I would like
support, ideas, suggestions, love, friendship...but no pity. I
do not need it or deserve it.
For all I say here that is bad about her, I have always said
she was good inside. My wife is actually taking this better
than I am. She is getting past the hurt I caused and trying to
do a few little things to make us begin again. We danced in
the kitchen yesterday to a song that we had played at the
wedding ceremony. Long story short, they did not feel it
was religious enough, even though it sort of mentions God in
a sense. I finally got them to play it, no words, while we lit
the unity candle. When we danced that dance in our kitchen I
think we both decided or should I say realized this will be
hard...I hope that one way or the other we make it. We had
lunch out, we took a walk, we made love a few times, we
tried to reconnect.
She seems very concerned about me, more than I deserve.
She is hurt and I am trying to make that hurt stop slowly, but
she also sees I am hurting and she wants to help. She has
often said over that last two days that maybe I should have
made the other choice and left to be w/ KP. She said this not
in anger, as some might, but more out of love and hurt. It is
tough to say to your wife you just told that for two years you
have been cheating on her in your heart, that your heart hurts
because that love may be over. It is what I feel, but I need to
handle that part alone.
I told her I can’t go back and change that now, I can not
decide to have KP like I could in May 06...things have
happened here and there that have made such a no hurdles
decision no longer available so we need to decide things as
us, now and for our future.
We had a few laughs and trying to get the new computer I
ordered was a slight distraction as it may or may not be all
screwed up...we will see later when/if they deliver it on time.
I am torn from a million feelings and thoughts and feel like I
am aging by the second.
I sit here Monday and wait for the computer that may or may
not come today. I look at this empty apartment and see
memories of two women here. Yes, my place has memories
of both my wife and KP...ones I know about and northing
my wife would look at and say it is about that other woman.
I have given great thought about how do I do this and what
part this blog plays in all this. Do I blog the progress? Or is
that not right to do? Do I stop blogging all together? I am
not really sure what I will do yet. I like this outlet and it may
help but then again maybe I need to do this alone and in
private and maybe what I write here might be seen as other
than it is when taken of context by people, or should I say
one person.
I ask for your thoughts both here, in emails and in your own
hearts.
And since I am trying not to email KP, I want to add this:
Baby, keep the email you and I use please so that should I
need you or you need me we can talk that way. I deleted
your phone #, but I do have it written down should I need it
in an emergency. Feel free to contact me KP, if I can help
you. Please email me an OK as I have two small questions I
need to ask but want to make sure it is OK to do so. They
are small and I think as you can see here, they will not be
manipulative.
I want this to be goodbye for now, not forever.
And one last thing Lady Tish...I love you
Posted by whiteknight on 2008-04-14 14:11:57 | Rating: n/a | Views: 223
hi whiteknight...
i'm gonna say a couple things but i don't want you to think i'm being critical...clearly you are feeling this whole thing very strongly...and i have only followed this story slightly over the past months...
but it seems to me that you are not yet being honest...maybe you haven't got to that stage yet, i understand that. you can't delete her phone number but keep a copy. that's not doing anything. you can't 'invite but not invite' her to email you.
you said yourself that you need to be 'all in or all out'...while you try to keep the line open...and write 'i love you', then you are not being honest to yourself or your wife...
again i am not being critical of you or your difficult situation.
i honestly hope you can work things out for the best...good luck.
cheers.
No I get all that
what the # part is is that I can not call her easily
the email is asking her to email me should she need me, and also tell me I can ask her 2 things
and I could do some dance and say I do not love KP anymore, but that is not honest. I am not contacting her, she is not contacting me....so it is as all in as possible given my heart
This must be very hard on you. My perspective is from your wife's side, I guess. If you are going to try with your marriage, try completely. Let go of KP, no emails, no contact. Nothing. Tell yourself that you want your marriage to work, otherwise you are just using your wife to hold you over until KP comes back. I'm sorry and I hope that I am not hurtful. You seemed very sure your wife was not the one but when KP is not there, then you go back. I say if you want your wife then want her completely. You seem very confused with what you wrote, I know you love both of them but I do believe we can only truly love one person at a time. Listen to your heart.
First, let me congratulate you on your honesty, some people would have just quietly folded thier tent and slipped out. Second, let me conratulate you on second chances. Not everyone gets one. As one who has been there, I can say, that any marriage can be wonderful if you each treat each other as lovers. My husband and I have 42 years of marriage, and forgave each otherof cheating long ago. We do not forget to make each other the most important person in our life . Even now.
WK...i dont know what to say....I just wish you happiness, and I hope things work out for you. I know how hard this must be, but I also feel whatever happens, happens for the best. Take care....
I believe Prelude is very insightful. People seem to tip toe round your feelings WK, but you have not truly tiptoed round your wife's. My thoughts are with that gracious lady and my prayer is that she will get what she deserves from life. She needs some tender understanding and the truth. I don't mean to sound like your conscience but you are dealing with a human being, someone who lives and breathes and has feelings. I believe if you concentrated on that and gave her the gratitude she deserves for putting in the amount of work she does, you would both be much happier. There is an inbuilt sense in women which is called female intuition. My guess is she knew she was not loved and when we are not loved we do not cherish ourselves. I trust her faith will carry her through as it is not going to be plain sailing ahead. My thoughts also for your son. That he might learn from home how to love in the future and how to treat women he meets with respect.
Whiteknight...Wow that was powerful and I can see your struggle. First let me say that I think blogging your feelings and your turmoil is a good way to put things into perspective. To get outside points of view is a good thing, because sometimes we are standing too close to the situation to really see the answers.
Let me just say that it is obvious to me that you are a good man. You have waited around for awhile to see if things will change, and they haven't. If you decide to wait around some more I think you need to be more proactive with telling your wife EXACTLY what it is you need to be fulfilled and you need to find out why she has disconnected and what she needs to be fulfilled. It is not enough to share the same home, child and daily life. People need to be connected to one another, and to feel wanted, needed and heard. It is very important that you have long talks that start with "I" statements, which lets go of the blame factor. " I need to feel that you hear me and that you are interested in my daily life", " I need more intimacy from you", etc.
It may be that you need time alone without either of these women to think about what is best for you. This would give them both time to think about what is best for them. Not saying move to Siberia, but a little time alone may be therapeutic. Don't beat yourself up anymore. You are doing the best that you can do. There has been a major disconnect from your wife for at least two years, maybe more. A woman that does not pick up on the fact that their husband is having a long term relationship is tuned out. Now to see if she wants to be tuned back in(or if you do for that matter), or if you should both just move on. Good luck to you and God Bles you in your struggle. Take care of yourself and let me know if I can do anything to lift you up above the fray. peace shemelts :)
Just to add that I do not mean to 'get at you'. Just sometimes it's easier to see a situation from a distance. I sincerely hope that things work out for you but if there is one thing I have discovered in life it's that making someone really happy has a strange habit of making you even happier in the process. Even when it's tough and your heart isn't totally in it. A kind word is mightier than a sword. Good luck!
WK - I have absolutely no experience from which to give you any advice in this matter but I wish you the best of happiness. I hope that you and your wife can fall in love again. I do agree with Prelude, however, that you shouldn't stay with your wife while secretly waiting around for KP. I hope you won't do that because it is not fair to your wife. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck to you!! And, on a much lighter note, here's to our Yankees in 2008!
WK -- The older I get the more love and relationships are a mystery to me, so I have no wise words to give you. One thing I do know is the truth will set you free. From reading your post it seems there is the beginning of some honesty with your wife and honesty with yourself pertaining to your feelings regarding KP. I wish you peace and happiness as you figure out where you go from here.
