Someone said that in a comment made about a post I did a few days ago.
Their point was that why didn't all of us married people on here, that seem unhappy, find out more about our spouses pre-wedding?
Good point
But maybe a few other things need to be added into the mix:
The biggest one is that few people are going to blog about their wonderful, perfect, happy marriage. They may blog about other things, but there is a COMPLAINT DEPT in stores, not a HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING DEPT. People are more likely to complain about what they do not like, then talk endlessly about how great their life is...and when they do they get annoying anyway, right?
But why are so many people unhappy in their marriage?
Well I think I am in that I met a woman, thought she was the Charlie Brown Christmas tree and all she needed was a little love, loved the fact I got instant family, loved that I could move out of my parent's house where I had moved back into after my apartment was broken into and mom was concerned about the area I was living in...I fell in love with being in love
Now I grew, we grew apart, all the "love" in the world is not going to fix that tree I have discovered as the tree wants to be that way and to top it all off I met the perfect woman for me in another country, but you all know that story....
I think my story is a typical one, but there are others
You marry a woman or man that is one way and they fall apart
You marry Mr/Miss Clean and they turn out to be a drug addict or a drunk or whatever
You marry a person, you raise kids, the kids grow up and out and you look across a dinner table one night and wonder who that person is in that chair
You married a man/woman that is a cheater
Many other reasons
What is yours?
And yes, it is great if we get the chance to open all the chestnuts, as the commenter put it, before we are married, we lay all our warts, our faults, out fears on the table before the organ starts playing, Here Comes the Bride , butsometimes I think that wefind someone and fall in love and marry and yes you get all the big ones, but many of the smaller ones lay unopened. And in some cases I think the person with them never really gets that they even have them.
I still contend that my wife has some experience deep in her past that harmed her, that made her this way, that scarred her. I also think she does not even know it happened or forgets it ! I am not a person into all that repressed memory stuff, but I think that at times some people do hide a bad experience from even themselves OR that know it happened but do not admit to themselves the hurt it caused.
So tell me why are you unhappy, if you are, in your marriage
What mistake did you or your partner make?
Posted by whiteknight on 2008-02-19 07:50:04 | Rating: n/a | Views: 176
I am a member of the "divorce" ranks.People change or think they are "missing" something or that it must be better on the other side of the fence.We did counseling,tried to be respectful.Sometimes it just does not work.Sure,there will be times when you look over at the person you married with disgust and you ask yourself "who is this,what was I thinking"?Rest assured they are thinking the same about you.And so many married couples make the same mistakes.They tell themselves I am "unhappy"(over used phrase)so they look for someone outside of their marriage to fill that void.So instead of working on the problems if fixable or ending the marriage,they involve another person or persons into the mix.And now that just about everyone has a home computer,"Unhappy" spouses get involved in "emotional" affairs.Marriage is hard work,living and loving someone is hard work.No one said it would be easy.Somewhere along the lines we become selfish and needy.I know I fall into that line.What I know for myself you are not going to find happiness in your spouse if your miserable.I was 50% part of the problem.I'll end with a repeat.People change,what you had and what was acceptable earlier in your marriage may not and probably is not what you want now.For me thats a true statement.
Being on the internet IS interacting with real humans (unless robots have taken over them!) The internet is just another way of communicating, a mark of the world we live in today. If you are indeed in la la land, (and aren't we all...), then so are the people who read your blog and write their own on here. Aint it fun?? Sorry...just had to say that! Hehe.
With regards to your blog...I think that people change as their lives progress...for some couples thats not a problem, for others it means that they are just no longer compatible. I believe thats whats happened to you, whiteknight, and to me too. Sad? Yes it is. But for alot of people its just how it goes. Strength lies in recognising that its happened, and eventually acting upon it.
Thanks for your comment on my last blog btw...and peace to you.
As for why we were unhappy and why our marriage failed...I mistook loving him for being in love...and he believed as I did, that that would change over time. I also feel that for a long time I forgot who I was, I stopped being me and became 'Mrs ....'
Don't know if that makes sense. xxx
Luci, your comment was a bit harsh and misguided to knight. And, take your quarrel with cheb to cheb's place:P jk
Hey, I should get credit for this post:P I was the one who inspired him:P heh.
Yea, what is it when you tell someone who doesn't chat or post online they say the people here are not real?? Sure, it's kind of lifeless/faceless and cold, but real people using real fingers write everything on here.
I DO fear however that the internet allows for such extreme escapism that ppl can evade together time with their current mate and fool around on here...as many do frequently! It's a valuable tool, but ppl abuse it.
They had some marriage counselors on TV this morning saying simple stuff about accepting the fact you will not like everything about each other and will argue as a GOOD thing. They said to argue about things we don't like is healthy communication and shows we are working toward the long haul. I didn't need to pay someone to tell me THAT:P Seriously. These people get paid 125 an hour for that? Sign me up!:P Give me a license!:P I kept thinking...if there is something you REALLY dont like when you discover it and it doesn't go away and it pesters you repeatedly in daily relations...isn't that bound to rupture the relationship? Tolerance is great, but differences are often still differences. If a person doesn't want any part of smoking but is tolerating someone who does for long...not only is that hazardous...but it's...it's a bit of a bitter pill to swallow. And, I imagine it would make for bitter/shielded relations. I have to think more on this one I guess:P
Oh, if you want to see exactly what you are talking about...the happy posts versus the complaint ones? Just look at Nerdnutt's or new member rose22. They seem quite content in discussing how happy they are with their situations in graphic detail(Nerdnutt):P Even with fears of failure/questions of what might yet happen, they seem quite content and voice the happy, sunny bits instead of the woe.
Had to join in on this cyber discussion board! Firstly LuckyLuci is entitled to her opinion - and normally is very positive and thought provoking with her remarks ... not sure why you are different here - or maybe we are being too sensitive? This IS a problem with typed responses - you can't hear any sarcasm in them or voice pitch that would indicate the writer is throwing out the line waiting for a bait.
As for the Blog question - I am becoming in the majority with my marriage all but over too. And I have to defend myself (I am smiling) - I knew/dated my husband for 10 years prior to marrying him... In hindsight I wonder whether the fact he waited 10 years to marry me should have told me of my current fate! We were married for 10 years less 2 weeks!
I believe it is all those "flaws" that we show are the true indication of love... that is - If you see all those flaws and still love that person even if they bother you.... then you are a good match... however if one decides to go a different path and gives up - then this would not be visible in those early getting to know you days.
The fact is people change, and maybe our elders changed too - but maybe they stuck it out and were miserable - why live your later years miserable because you made a promise 50 years ago??
I don't know I guess I should have created my own blog!!??
Love you all for your comments - controversial and otherwise.
Oh another happy blogger on here - ONETOEJEFF ... read his blogs they make me smile everytime I do.
Ooh a debate! I agree with EasyToSay its hard to read something and know for sure if a person is being genuine or sarcastic or whats intended - I wasn't, I was smiling when I wrote that and intended nothing unfriendly...
If it wasn't for the internet I'd never have met my current partner - many have said that if I had spent less time on the pc and more talking to my husband I might have been able to save my marriage - however I disagree. I was prepared to talk, tried to for six years...trouble was he wasn't prepared to listen.
Anyway...I digress. Completely agree - there's a saying 'True love comes not from seeing the perfect person, but from seeing an imperfect person perfectly' - that is, to see someone's flaws and love them in spite of, or often BECAUSE of them...or not, as the case may be. Just because the previous generation did better at marriage (lower divorce rate) doesn't mean they were any happier necessarily. I recently saw something in the paper about a man who was married for 60 years until he lost his wife - he had 4 kids, 13 grandchildren etc...and on his 95th birthday, surrounded by his family and friends...he announced he was gay! That he had always known it too, but had chosen to ignore it! I know that will open another can of worms (can't wait for that, lol) but it just goes to show...there's nowt as weird as people and their ways and you just never know from one person to the next the facts or reasons...the beauty that comes from the fact that we are all different.
And I should add that I for one, am not very articulate, I get tongue tied very easily, so if I need to vent...the easiest way for me is to write it down.
That's the beauty of a site like this...it lets you air things you might otherwise have trouble saying.
Ooh...I love a good debate. Sorry for hijacking your page whiteknight! xxx
well I am still relatively new to the marriage circle (4 days till my first anniversary!) I can honestly say that I am happy. sure we argue and sure there is lots of sacrifices and compromises but I'm okay with that. and I just take it day by day and that's all I have to say. p.s. I love my wife very much!
zypvashna: I and everyone here that is not happy envies you. I am never the type to be driving by a church, see a wedding and yell STOP!TURN BACK!..I love love and love when it works. Congrata
Psh, wont envy him so fast:P He is in year one. Compared to most here, that is nothing. Give it time:P The more I think about how marriages seem to have worsenned in durability since the late 70s/80s...I start to think about astrology and how this is supposed to be the "age of Aquarius". Aquarius is not a strong marriage sign. People are more committed to their ideas and strange practices than they are to any one lover. Sounds rather sensible, no? ANd, if it be true, then we are in for 20,000 years of this despair:P
