Posted by
ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-04-30 13:38:55 |
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Yikes!!!! Sounds like your between a rock and a hard place. I guess I can see both sides here, but I'm not sure I can explain it in a way that will make any kind of sense. As in most cases there is much involved here and it's really not as simple or neat and tidy as it looks.
As a grown man, who has the power to make his own decisions, of course you have the right to accept and keep any gift that comes your way.
In my relationships I have this little saying ... "I want you to want me." Not because I say you should but because you freely make the choice to do so. It's hard for me to put myself in your wife's position because I'm in a very different place in life. Any man I see or have a relationship with is totally free to make any decision he wants. I have no control over what another does .... I can only control my response to another's actions. Our decisions affect those around us and show others who we really are and where our heart is. One of my favorite sayings is ... "what you do speaks so loudly I can't hear what you are saying." To put it simply ... if you want peace and love in your home, the gifts must be returned and you must want in your heart to do so. Otherwise it's not the real deal. It would be like when you were a child and you wrote an apology note because your Mum said you had to. Your heart didn't mean or feel the words ... it wasn't sincere and wasn't worth the paper it was written on.
Now here's where the waters get a bit murky. What people fail to grasp is your feelings are your feelings. There is to much water over the bridge for feelings not to be there for KP. Feelings can't be turned off and on like a water faucet. This fact is something your wife is going to have to accept and something that needs to be worked through. And at this point in time with her learning of this recently the wounds are very raw.
I'm a big believer in honesty. If it were me I would want my man to be honest with me. If it were me the following words would be very acceptable to me ...
"I'm sending back the gifts because I want to show you that I'm serious about working things out with you .... I understand how these gifts (from a woman who I have deep feelings for and an emotional attachment with) would bother you. At this point in time I don't want to send them back because I have lingering feelings for this person .... feelings I'm trying to work through. But I'm willing to start the process of letting go of her. Please take my returning her gifts as a good faith gesture that I desire us to start moving in a better direction. I can't promise you what the future holds for us ... but I am going to try to let go of KP so the bond between you and I can be strengthened. I would appreciate your understanding and patience in this matter."
For me the feelings inside have to match the action or it means nothing. But given all I have read about this situation I think at this point in time that's impossible for your wife or anyone to ask that of you. Wishing you all good things today and always. Peace. |
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Posted by
whiteknight
on 2008-04-30 13:47:17 |
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Colorado:Frankly I want to keep them
I don't want to send them back and the more she pushes this the more I simply want them !!!!
Most likely we will see when/if they get here.
And frankly if she wants this, I need to see something from her end. If I am taking this action lets see some move of confidence from her end
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Posted by
prelude2it
on 2008-04-30 14:02:01 |
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Yikes!! This is a really tough one. As a wife, I would want you to want to return them because it would show me that the relationship is over with and you are focusing on the wife. You would have to do this because you want to not because you were told to.
I understand your perspective, you love KP and you want to have your gifts. This is where I should keep my mouth shut but what I want to know is why are you staying with your wife if you know someone else has your heart? |
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Posted by
TheAlreadyJaded
on 2008-04-30 14:05:53 |
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| This is extremely tough. I would say maybe keep your gift from her but send back the wife and kids' (and don't show the kids for obvious reasons)?? I don't know though I could be wrong. I can see both sides. |
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Posted by
Meredith
on 2008-04-30 15:22:54 |
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| I think out of respect for your wife you should return the gifts but, as Colorado so eloquently stated "feelings are your feelings" - you can't force yourself to "not want to keep the gifts". It seems to me that the only thing you can do is lie to your wife and tell her that you don't want to keep the gifts! Little white lies never hurt anyone and, in this case, can help keep the peace. |
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Posted by
KP
on 2008-04-30 23:04:03 |
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As I have said to you in my email, I am going to hold off on sending them. And if the time is right I will later on.
I have caused enough tension in your house, I will not go out of my way to cause any more. I know that it must be hard for you at the momement. Just trying to keep the peice. |
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Posted by
shemelts
on 2008-05-01 07:00:46 |
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Ah..I feel for you on this one. I would certainly keep the gifts as they came from a friend whom you have loved for 2 years. You can't control who you fall in love with and how deep those feelings go.
Sometimes when people push so hard they push us away. Trying to control your every move as you deal with the loss of your friendship/love with KP is not the best thing for her to do. Maybe a little less upfrontness from you is called for. I know that you want to be honest with your wife, but maybe at this time your total frank honesty is not helping. Maybe she doesn't need to know every detail, though I am sure she is asking about them. Not to lie, but maybe to omit some of the depth of your feelings might be the kindest thing you could do at this point.
I believe it is possible to love 2 people at one time, just in different ways and for different reasons. Sometimes when one relationship hits a tailspin, we look for someone else to ground us. Not wanting to totally let go of the first relationship, we dig in and try to make things better. You my friend are between a rock and a hard place. Nothing anybody says on this sounding board we have here will change that. You know for you what the best thing to do is. Go with your gut feeling and let the chips fall where they may. Wishing you the best..
peace :) shemelts |
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Posted by
overthehillandfaraway
on 2008-05-01 14:05:39 |
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| Here's something I thought about today when I was doing some spring cleaning which was necessary but boring as hell. Do you believe you could ever see yourself in the future writing to your friends in Thoughts to inform them that everything was going well in your marriage, that you had misjudged your wife, had re thought the situation and now loved her the way you did when you first met and married her? That you could apologise for the way you had talked about her in the past and now wanted them to see her as the good person you now loved? If you can ever see that happening, great, but somehow, and I mean this in the kindest, and not in my usual get at you way, then I don't think there is a lot of hope. Maybe you two have just passed that point of no return and it would be best just to try and remain friends but say goodbye. Maybe you just need to be truly on your own to see things more clearly. I meant this to be helpful and do not mean to be mean. Honest. I just don't think people should go from one relationship to another without time in between. As shemelts would say, peace. |
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Posted by
whiteknight
on 2008-05-01 14:27:28 |
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Long ago: I am not sure I was truly in love w/ her when I met her and married her.
But to answer the larger issue, I have thought about this and it relly is more an issue of two things, alimony and the son
I can not afford to pay her and support myself. I guess paying the light, heat, rent, etc all by myself for years while she spent herself into crushing debt on her own cards has made me a little more in debt than I should be.
And the son:He will basically be living w/ me as she plans to move 4 towns away, that means my car as his car, my life becomes a caufuer service for him while she gets away doing little...oh and I pay his grocery bill too...and this is for a child that is now 18(so not a child) and is not legally mine.
This has been discussed and on some level I think she knows she has me over this barrel.
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Posted by
shemelts
on 2008-05-01 15:04:13 |
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hmm.. time to have a little talk with the now 18 year old son. One that goes something like this: Son, I love you and I always will. In being a good father I want to teach you to stand on your own two feet. With that in mind I want you to find a job..part time during school, but full time during the summer. With that job, you will purchase a car(old but driveable), pay insurance and help with our expenses. I can not afford to do this all by myself, and it is now time to stand up and become a man. I want to be there for you, but you need to be there for me also. We will work as a team and together we can make it.
Believe me..I have two children this age. Both have had this little discussion and they are both hunting jobs. Finances are strained for most folks, but if there is a will there is a way.
Why would you be paying alimony? she works doesn't she? hmm. In our state she would not get alimony if she had a job making money of her own. At least I think that is how it goes. hmm.
peace :) shemelts |
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Posted by
whiteknight
on 2008-05-01 15:17:31 |
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Shemelts:Well according to my atty she does get money. Trust me, and I blogged on this months ago...why I sweat my brains out in French 4 and then worked my way up the ladder, and she got dumpy jobs and never completed college and now I have to pay for her inability to earn makes me sick.
And thanfully, I do not need that talk. The kid has two jobs and is "looking"(here is where I think you have to know my son, what boy his age w/ the amount he has in the bank which aint bad trust me is not looking at every hunk a junk?)for a car.
In fact, truth be told, the kid has two jobs now and will in the summer.
So there I am lucky.
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