Thoughts.com Blogs - Captain of a shipwreck

As I go through this process I seem to have a very bad, yet very good habit. I keep telling new people about this.
Maybe it is that I was so closed off in terms of this all, I had to keep it secret from everyone that now that I have cracked the dike, I want it to just break. Maybe it is so it softens the blow for people when I do finally tell the world, if I do, that I am leaving my wife. That "if" is slowly and more solidly becoming a "when" but there is always hope.

Anyway....

Part of telling people is they ask questions. You get the same ones about thinking you were perfect for each other, does she love you, are you ready to face the world alone...and the people I tell the KP part to, even though she is still not out of the shadows, they give me the third degree on her and has she asked for money, do I really know she is a woman, how can you know and feel for someone from that far away, all that BS.....At times I almost want to print out a sheet of FAQ's and hand them that.
Sometimes you get a good one that has not been asked before.
That is when the questions are worth it

"Do you really love your wife?" and "Given what you are telling me, why did you just tell her you love her when you and she were on the phone?"
Great questions a friend asked me yesterday.
Well I do not love my wife anywhere the way I did once. In fact in many ways I think it has become more a feeling of obligation then love.  Like I have said over 100 times it seems on here, I feel I walked into this marriage, changed the direction of her life, made promises, and the least I can do is not just walk away and let her crumble. And yes I know many will say that she will be stronger than I think..."You have killed me inside","I will never date again because there is nothing left inside of me to feel love or trust.", "I am not sure how I will react but I will be a shell just walking through life not able to feel." That is what I hear from her and so I think I am closer to the future then the strong woman contingent.
Oh and this is a woman that wants OUT of therapy!
I feel sorrow that I am hurting her.  I am not sure I feel love.
Last night she started to call off from her part time job at night as she was a little tired. I talked her out of it. Why? Because I had things to do.
We had no 18 yr old last nite. We could have talked and really connected who knows what else. Months ago I would have jumped at this chance. Last night I talked her out of it .

As for the words:
Well I say them more out of reflex, like many people who say them to someone alot. I will say that when I said them to KP, that was a voluntary action, with my wife it is like blinking, I say it without thinking.
So this morning I tried a test. I kissed her goodbye, said we would talk at lunch, we sort of did a quick recap of any issues like pick ups/drop offs/dinner/appointments/calls I need to make/final plans for Mother's Day and then I left. Never said it. She never said it.  And I wonder if she noticed.
KP once pointed out that when my wife came home and I was home that the dog got greeted first and with 20x the affection I did. I put it off to a location issue at first, the dog was closer to the door. But then I really changed a few variables and tested and while first greeting may have been fluid, the intensity never was.

This last addition has nothing to do with either question but I think points out alot.
I had nodded off in bed while I waited for her to get home, but once home her moving in the bedroom even though she was quiet woke me up. That was fine and in fact sort of good. We exchanged a few "How was work?". "What did you do tonight?" questions and then I reached for my CPAP mask as I have apnea. She seemed disappointed I was reaching to put it on and asked if I was putting it on in a very disappointed way. I indicated I did not have to and laid there....waitng....she walked out of the room...I waited...she turned on the TV in the other room....I waited....after 15 minutes I put it on and went to sleep. My point? I am not sure other than it seemed she wanted me to stay up and talk or something and when I was open to it, she walks away.