Thoughts.com Blogs

Enough history for now, I will get back to that later..and I will because w/o the background you can't understand the story..
Spoke last nite thru IM to a cousin of her's. She was in the hospital for surgery and made it through OK, for second there last night I thought I would be hearing the exact opposite.
I was never so afraid for those few seconds
Then the female cousin and I had a long talk about all this and there are parts that made me feel better, like the fact that she was committed and determined to come to the US this year no matter what, until all this. It also made me feel better to hear from the cousin that given KP's(I decided I need to give her a name on here so I will use part of her initials)past and how men have hurt her, she gives love out very sparringly so I must be one great guy to make her feel about me like she does. Not sure about that but....that I am a great guy I mean, but its nice to hear. Then though I heard alot of things that make me even sadder.

Ok let me ask the world this, since there are comments that people can leave....the cousin does not paint as bleak a picture, and I mean maybe dark grey vs black so it is not that fair but....she does not paint the dark picture of the future that KP does. I have believed for days that KP had weeks, months, MAYBE a year to live and that she wanted to spend it w/ her kids and so she could not come even to visit...and that I understood. I could not have her because life was taking her away, forces so powerful no one can fight them were taking her from me. That I could live with. But now i have a small hope that she will live and live a number, maybe 7 or 8 years and that this is all about her not being able to be the wife I want so she needs to spare me that, push me back into my wife's arms(a wife I already know will never be the wife I want, and trust me I have tried but that is for another day) so I will not be alone.
Is it wrong that I feel better about option one, her dead in 6 months, then option two where she is alive, but I can not have her? And please do not think I am going to do anything crazy..I am talking about cancer taking her not any human action so calm down !
Yes, in the first one she is dead, her kids have no mom and I can never talk to her ever, but it is done...there is no possibility...life has taken her, and so I have to deal with that.
In the second course of events she lives for a bit longer, gets to see her kids grow older, if not become adults, and she has a life, but w/o me. That would naw at me everyday. Am I being more than a little selfish. because I know I am being a little selfish, but is this maybe somewhat understandable?
Please tell me, thanks for listening