Thoughts.com Blogs - A lil out of sequence but....

I have started this one about 20 times and keep getting called away so some of this will sound dated given what you know but......
The other day KP and I were online and she was in a very deep hole I thought. I asked her a question, forget exactly what, that she saw as me pushing her to a decision on us at a time that needs to be a low priority.
See, one thing you need to know about me is I am a "temperature taker" I constantly need to know where I am with people...
If I asked KP a question that began with "On a scale of 1-100,.,,," once I did it a million times!!
I also think that the best way to give her hope is for me not to lose hope in us, in her, in life. And she sees that as pushing, like when I call her Mrs Dwight, or when I call her my wife, or me her husband, or her kids my kids...listen is it all a thing done to make her feel better? NOPE and I admit that, I like saying and thinking those things.
BUT ALSO I am smart enough to know that life may deal me one more bad card and I lose her, forever...I also know that I am always preaching that words mean things, and that you need to make sure you say what you mean. But maybe for the first time in my life I am letting the heart talk while the brain shuts up. So after this long talk I think we came to the conclusion that we were not far off..I know she is sick, I know she needs to focus on that, I know that I need to be a low priority, I know that I can not ask her for alot BUT She needs to know that her asking me for strength and hope and love and a place to laugh and cry and get mad is what she needs but also right now what I need from her. I have lived my life wanting to be a hero in a great story, and no matter how this ends, if KP lives and we are together in a year...or she dies and I have my angel as my angel in heaven, or something in the middle...I AM FINE as I got to live a dream and I got to make her happy. I also learned that while she may not show it the way I do, the way I would, the way I saw a family member do it, she is fighting this cancer as hard as she can and has plans on getting in the bullring with that horrible bull(cancer) and killing it, eating it and then grinding it's bones to dust....all I can say(her imagery not mine) is Ole!!!!!!