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This is #500
I look back and see alot of changes in the few months I have been doing this. I began this in love with a woman that thought she was dying. I could not stand that life could be so unfair as to bring me a woman that was all I could ask for and love and then take her from me before I got to even touch her. I had to get out my anger, my rage, my hurt, my agony, my desire and love .
I needed a place to vent my rage as life had not given me the ability to tell anyone I had this pain inside. No one could know I was in love with KP. Then that strong, loving, passionate lady, Lady Tish, fought off that cancer and won the battle of life. She killed the bull.
She showed more courage than I have ever seen.
When she was weak, on those rare occasions she was that she told me about, I tried to keep her standing. And when I weakened and cried and moaned about how unfair this all was, a woman that was facing death held me up. I came on this site as her white knight and she ended up having to hold the hero up on more occasions then I can count and more than I am ashamed to say she should have had to.
You read my pain, my love for her, my desire for her and I know some that saw this as a great romantic epic.... So the epic may or may not have seen it final chapter. Only life knows that
Things have happened, and friends it has to be.
I have a friend that I love.
I have given my opinions on love, life, politics, TV, others on here. Some people liked and some people hated. There are a few people that I know have stopped reading me or at least do so with out commenting.
I have grown in many ways since this started, one way is in how I see other's happiness. When I started here I would read a blog that was about someone getting all they ever dreamed of after alot of waiting. I wondered why they got their dream and I could not have mine. I cried about it and moaned to KP about it. She told me grow up and be happy for that person and anyone that gets happiness as you never know, maybe I will get mine one day and be as happy if not happier. I now read others that are seeing their dreams come true and while I will admit I get a pang of that song "What about me? It isn't fair. I've had enough now I want my share."
I am not jelous. I will get my day.
I have leaned from all of you.
I admire alot of you.
I am friends with many of you in the true sense of that word and I know I have rubbed more than a few the wrong way.
I want to meet a few of you and most likely will meet one or two before I am done on this earth.
I may at times have lashed out but I even liked the informed comments that were not positive.
Drama is, was and always will be part of this site and I think that is just part of the deal. I have seen people come and go. Some leave and delete it all and come back, some just leave and quietly go silent. I hope many of my friends that have left come back.
In college I was in group therapy as part of a class. It really made me see how good I had it. Maybe I forget that now and then but thoughts reminds me of that when I read some posts that make me cry. I have read about horrible pasts and bad presents with little hope for good futures. And I see that I may moan and whine but I have it not half bad.
I have to thank you all for the many times I asked you to pray for KP and you did. I always hesitate to speak for her, but I know that while religion means more to me in many senses, your prayers did make her feel loved.....boy I hope I said that correctly...LOL
When I started this blog I could count on a few fingers the number of people that knew about me and KP. Now many people know.
I am not sure which is better. And one big one is NQRW.
I know many of you feel I bash my wife too much. Maybe I do.
Maybe I use here to vent about her.
But just like my feeling very early on that I needed to not make this just about KP if I really wanted anyone to care what I wrote and not get bored.
I know that I can not make this just about KP and my wife and my love life... and only NQRW's bad points when I do mention her. Early on I posted a blog about all her good points. She has some real good points.
I just now see that we do not mesh and most likely by post 1000 I will be a single knight.
So as we move forward this blog will document in all likelihood the end of my marriage and what comes next.
I have made mistakes and then told the world I made them which made them worse. So I did a two in one mistake.
That mistake lead to the only time I ever deleted a post, I think if I say it I need to stand behind it, but that was different.
I have no idea where the next step is.
KP has on her profile that she is lost, lonely and has no idea where the next step in life will take her. I feel that way too alot lately. I wonder if my marriage is worth one more try, the 30th one more try I have given it...I wonder if maybe I stay and just go back to being the guy I was but I know that is not possible because no one else in this is the person they were then....I wonder if I will meet someone when I do venture out into dating again....I wonder what the future holds
You all have given me great advice and I thank you for that. Some of you have even IMed me and we have had talks that way and they were great. I feel I have many great friends here.
Sorry if this rambled but I started this weeks ago seeing that 500 was coming soon.
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Posted by whiteknight on 2008-07-17 07:39:21 | Rating: | Views: 118
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This is a lovely post, perfectly said. And hey, never forget that even when people dont like what you write, this blog is for YOU and so you can write about anything you like, and people dont have to agree or even read. The point is, its there for you, and as long as it is helpful to you, keep on blogging.
You're a good man, my friend...all the better for recognising your flaws (we all have em) and your honesty...glad to have met you, proud to call you my mate xxx
Here's to reading your 1000th post! Just a thought though...if its taken you 9 months to write 500 posts...what chance have I got of writing 100 in a month?? Lol
Happy 500 mate xxx
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Posted by geordiedreamer
on 2008-07-17 08:19:41
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Yep, what Dave said... except I am going to write 100 posts this month! :)
Cheers, and keep on bloggin! :)
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-07-17 09:03:58
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Happy 500th post. I have no idea how many posts I have written.
I hope you are happy with whatever life may bring you.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-07-17 09:32:24
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500 !!!!!!
Hey you are a bit early. you still have 2 more to write to get to 500. Okay well you better take this off and wait till you get there.
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Posted by KP
on 2008-07-17 09:36:20
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Thank you for this wonderful reflective post. Last night I read something, in a book I'm reading, that seems to fit here. The author included the following words in the introduction pages to her personal story ...
"I want to share this journey with you as honestly and personally as I can, knowing that as we listen to the stories of others, we somehow hear our own story more clearly. Our stories are the bread we have to offer one another. So I share my bread, as well as the bread others have passed along to me, with the hope we will be not only companions through the pages ahead, but friends on a kindred journey deep into the heart of God."
Thank You WhiteKnight for sharing your "bread" with me thus allowing me to see my own story more clearly. I think you are a fine human being, a great writer and a person whose heart is filled with compassion, love and grace. I look forward to reading the rest of your story as it unfolds. I hope and pray we both find all we need and desire. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-07-18 17:06:50
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WK~ I am sorry that in finding my happieness I left you feeling sad. I am very very glad that I got to know both you and KP. I do think of both of you as my friends. : ) I look forward to continuing to read your posts until you do find ur happyness!!
hugz~Niki
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Posted by nikilynn1113
on 2008-07-18 21:14:09
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Niki
never feel you need to hide your happiness for me. I will be happy one day and will share that with you.
Grown ups act that way and I need to act my age at times
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2008-07-21 22:02:11
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