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A letter I wrote to him....

Do I go on to say how I feel? Do I express myself? Do I let everything that I have inside me out? Would my words and feelings be valued? Would they be taken into consideration? Would my words change anything? I don’t know, but from past experience I can almost be certain that my words might just fall into your ears and travel to your body, then all they would do is upset your manhood, make you feel attacked and angry. Once you let the anger out, my words will too be out of your system and life will continue to be the same way it has always been.

We’ve had our good times were we seem like 2 best friends, where we laugh and giggle about people that pass us by, where we look at each others faces and do the funniest frowns, where we kiss each other in the morning while saying “good-bye, have a good day”, we do.

We have those days, where we seem like the best of friends, we make each other laugh and feel good by knowing that we are here for each other and that we will never be alone.

I have those days where I look at you and think to myself: “How sexy he is”, those days that I can’t wait ‘till you get home to see you, even though most of the time you come into the house without a word.

I have those days where I want you to hold me and make me yours, but then reality comes into life and I sit there waiting for you to come into the room, to enjoy me, to give me company and I sit there and realize that you will not come in, when I call you you get upset and then everything is forgotten.

There’s those days where I want to ask for love and try to help you provide me with those stupid little things, the hugs, the kisses, the holding of hands, the caressing of the face, the “I love you”, so I ask for it… I look at you waiting for those magical touches, those magical words and all I get is “Oh.. here we go again!”, then my wishes fall to the floor and I realize that I can’t EVER change you, that you CANNOT change who you are, not for me at least.

I wish you would go inside my body one day so you can feel how much it hurts when I say “David… kiss me, hugg me….” And you say “Godd….!!!!!!!!!!!” I get the weirdest little pain that travels from my heart to all over my body, my body feels so weak and my fingers start hurting, I don’t even want to cry, I just know that that is who you really are.

It’s been over 6 years of asking and hoping that you could become my dream man, but who am I to change you? I made a mistake by always thinking that I could change you, that I could turn you into this man that would provide me with everything I need emotionally.

Since I met you I felt that you would suddenly change when you would fall in love with me, that you would automatically be the sweetest man on earth, that you would express yourself freely and that you were not going to be afraid of loving me.

I was wrong to think I could change you, but why do I hear of men falling head over heels over the wrong woman all of the time? Why do these men crawl on the floor for the love of a woman? How come so many men change when they meet the “right one”? I see men around and they all seem so much in love with the person they are with~ They go out of their way to fulfill their ladies. Weird part is .. They always fall for the “wrong one”.

I don’t think I could be referred to as one of the “wrong ones”, I loved you so much when I met you, I gave you all of me, my innocence, my virginity, my everything. No one had ever felt me the way you did, I gave you all of me, and that was another mistake. I guess I should’ve never thought that I could change you and that is not your fault, that’s my mistake. I’m sorry….

I know you keep on high-lighting the “other” man I had in my life. I know you think that he was perfect and that I should’ve stayed with him.

I also ask myself why instead of asking yourself that question you don’t ask yourself what made me stay with you at the end?, if he took me to the stars, to heaven, to the sky, why did I stay with you?

Maybe that’s the real question you should be asking yourself. Can you believe that even though I was pretty happy with him I decided to give you a chance? Why do you think I did that? Because the love I had for you was far stronger than him and his stars and his heaven and his body and his face and his this and his that.

HOPE: I had hope for you and us. I remember you making the strongest promises to me, telling me that you loved me so much and that you were going to make it worth it this time.

I remember that, like today, I asked you for love and physical affection and I also remember you telling me that all of that was going to change.

Today we talk about the same issue and I sit here wondering what is going wrong.

As time passed by I always felt as If I was making it a big deal when I wouldn’t get my affection, my love, I also felt as if I was being selfish by asking for so much, so for a long time I stopped worrying about it, maybe, I thought, maybe this is what a relationship IS…

but today after realizing that our sexual relationship is also falling apart, I realize that maybe what I was asking was fundamental for our relationship, that maybe if we would’ve given each other what we needed, that maybe our relationship wouldn’t be the same as it is right now, I realize that a relationship is not what we were living, that it’s not what we are living.

You may be asking yourself “What did I do sooooo wrong?, I don’t cheat on her, I don’t hit her, what am I doing so wrong to her?”, wow.. I can almost hear you asking yourself this question.

I can appreciate that you don’t hit me and that you’ve never touched another woman, not all men are strong enough as to control themselves, not all men are as strong as you. I love you for that, for respecting me that way.

I will never complaint about that to you, never, because I would be wrong to try to prove to someone that you were a cheater or violent.

A relationship is so much more than not cheating or hitting the person you are with, it is not just about not doing the wrong things but it’s also about doing the right things to them.

The same way you don’t do those bad things, then the same way you should do the good ones.

I have so many empty holes inside me that need to be filled up, and trust me… I wouldn’t want anyone else in this world to fill them up but you.

I have a sense that you think that I may want someone else to make me happy, but if you would only know how many things I’ve always wanted with you.

I gave you my purity, why would I want to be with someone else at the end?

I wanted to get married with you,

I gave you a “daughter”

I’m sorry but not just any man gets those things from a woman.

I gave you those things because I wanted you to be the one that I would spend the rest of my life with.

I asked you for a ring (what a mistake), because I wanted to get married with you,

I WANTED YOU. No one else David, but you.

I just feel as If I’m in a boxing ring fighting this thing that doesn’t let me be happy with you, and after 6 years I feel tired. I feel like giving up, I feel like quitting this fight and maybe fighting an easier fight somewhere else, or resting for a long time by myself.

I’m tired David, I’m so exhausted of trying to get to YOU. I feel as If there’s a shield covering your heart that doesn’t let you be, and it’s sad to know that you can’t uncover yourself, that you are almost losing a good woman because of it.

The other day I asked you why you would kiss and hug and play with your daughter and you answered me right away, without hesitation “Because I love her….!” It’s easy when you love someone and I don’t know why it hasn’t even been easy with me.

I strongly feel that our relationship was started with lots of pain from your side, your ex-girlfriend had broken your heart and you just wanted comfort, and with a lot of hope from my side. I was only 18 when you met me, I never had a boyfriend and I wanted that “high-school love” that all of my friends had. The love letters, the roses, the sneaky kisses, …. *I daydream*. It all started off with the wrong things in mind. I asked for so much, like a little girl asking for toys and candy, you had just been in a relationship with this older woman and didn’t know how to handle such young girl.

Our relationship has been so many ups and downs, so many.

I know that maybe I shouldn’t bring up the past but these last several days that I think about our relationship over the years, to try to find the problem, I start to remember so may things, the night you called me drunk to tell me that If I didn’t loose weight you would leave me, the way it hurt me to hear you say that, the day at Abraham’s baptism when you told me I looked ugly, I was so hurt, the times I found dirty e-mails you’ve sent people, the time where I saw an email sent to a man, the way that you wrote those things to these people, the picture of that penis…

I’m sorry! I’m sorry… Maybe this has nothing to do with fixing our relationship but I do have those images in my head all of the time and I live with so many fears.

I live with the fear that maybe you want other things in life that I may not be able to give you.

I also remember the times where we would go to the park and just lay down together, kiss each other and make each other laugh. The times we would park by the sound arena and just love each other, the times where you would park outside my house and wait for me and as soon as you would see me you would hug me and give me a kiss. The times when we would go to the movies and just park outside and kiss kiss KISS…. I wonder what happened. I know that it wasn’t always all bad, we had our good times every now and then.

You also may be asking yourself what brought me today to this point? It’s all these things that have been happening lately, all the thinking I’ve been doing about the fact that I found those porno videos in the house, the fact that I know you masturbate a lot more than we have sex, the feeling of knowing you don’t want me, the feeling I get of feeling so ugly, the fact that even though I have a man he’d rather touch himself, the fact that I don’t feel like a woman, the fact that we rarely have sex and the ultimate: knowing that the little bit of times we have sex I’m so cold. The fact that you can’t even turn me on anymore, that most of the time I’m so dry that it hurts, the fact that days pass by where we don’t even touch each other.

The fact that when I try talking to you you get annoyed and upset giving me idea that things will never change.

I know you so much that I know what you are saying right now “Oh forget it then, I’m the worse boyfriend around, then .. maybe she deserves to be alone… maybe I should just let her go!” You also may be laughing right now to know how right I am.

I’m so afraid of being alone, I’m afraid of seeing you with someone else, I’m afraid you’ll make someone else happy, I’m so afraid. I’m so afraid of hurting my daughter’s future, I’m so afraid of hurting my future, I’m so afraid of doing the wrong things, I’m so afraid of going through that pain, I’m so afraid of not seeing your face, I’m so afraid of getting home to an empty place, I’m afraid of missing you, I’m afraid of failing, I’m afraid of getting old, I’m afraid of being… Wrong. I’m so afraid.

FEAR: The fear of being alone, the fear of making a mistake.