Thoughts.com Blogs - Distressed.

A lot of people wonder what the worst feeling in the world is.

Right now, for me, it's being in love with a past that is completely unattainable, while simultaneously being in love with my present and subsequent future.

They aren't lying when they say that your first love never dies. I'm still in love with Robby*, but it's too late for that now. We're hardly even friends any more. And I'm not in love with who he is now, I'm still pining for who he used to be, back before we got engaged, back before everything got so complicated and he turned into a whiny little bitch.

Which is why I left him in the end, anyway, and then I met Rob* and he's everything and more than Robby was. Ironic that they have the same first name? A bit. It's also rather unsettling that the similarities don't stop there. Ugh. I feel like an emotional whore, because of where I'm trapped, mentally.

I need to give Robby's stuff back (I know, I know...it's just a pain in the ass to mail things.) and get my closure, so that I can be fully present in my marriage. I love my husband, ever so deeply, I do. But when things get hard, or he upsets me, all I can think about is running off to Robby. Which is stupid, because he irritates me more. He makes a decent boyfriend, but is certainly not husband material at this time. I can't wait for Rob to join the air force so we can jet off somewhere, and I'm not constantly reminded of what used to be. I just hope we don't end up in Robby's home state. Good Lord. I would die.

Well...I feel a touch better for finally venting...I've been sitting on this for two days now. Ugh.
I love my husband. Truly.

*Names have been changed.