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Luck
I wish I could tell my friends what was bothering me. I wish I could tell my "friend" how much I hate her, and then hate myself even more for hating her in the first place. I wish I could just admit to myself what I'm doing is wrong, and that I need to stop. But it's not like I can.

I'm obsessive. If my "friend" starts an argument, I have to rebut. I have to face her, and I feel like I have to win. And so does she. She takes the smallest things I say and twists them into different proportions. She reads into things that I never meant to be read into. She creates problems, but then again, so do I. And I hate that.

If could tell my friends how I'm feeling, what I'm doing to myself, maybe they would understand. But, no, it couldn't work. Not because of her. She claims she's "been there." She brags about it to anyone who will listen. But wouldn't you be ashamed? Shouldn't you be afraid to tell anybody? Besides, if I tried to tell my friends, they'd think I'm joking. I always joke about those things, anyway.

I wish I could tell myself to stop. I stop eating for days at a time, then relapse and binge. And I hate myself for that. I scratch myself until I bleed, leaving cuts all over my wrists. They take days to heal, and I hate it that people are starting to get suspicious. I wish I could stop. But I can't, and it scares me that I can't.

I want to die. I want to die so much. If I had some assurance, somehow, that it wouldn't hurt too much, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would give up everything I have right now to have a reprieve from all of this. The only thing is, you can't escape anything that was meant to find you.

I'm just stuck with bad luck.

Lucky me.


Posted by weakenedHEART on 2008-01-27 03:12:32 | Rating: | Views: 155


Comments


Posted by
kammy
on 2008-01-27 20:59:24
 
im going through exactly what you are. but i acually told my "friend" she didnt stay my friend but if i know that she wont be there for me in my time of need i dont need her. ive done stuff to myself that i never want to admit to anyone. im ashamed. but when i get that feeling that i want to do something to hurt myself i think of finding that person that i can tell anything to and i stop myself. and when i thing of ending my life i think of how cowardly i am togive up. bc only the strong can acually survive life and im doing my best to get out of this hole i dug. if you need to talk im here for you.
kammy
 
 

Posted by
kammy
on 2008-01-27 20:59:26
 
im going through exactly what you are. but i acually told my "friend" she didnt stay my friend but if i know that she wont be there for me in my time of need i dont need her. ive done stuff to myself that i never want to admit to anyone. im ashamed. but when i get that feeling that i want to do something to hurt myself i think of finding that person that i can tell anything to and i stop myself. and when i thing of ending my life i think of how cowardly i am togive up. bc only the strong can acually survive life and im doing my best to get out of this hole i dug. if you need to talk im here for you.
kammy
 
 

Posted by
mraz
on 2008-01-28 04:52:38
 
life sucks.....kammy its all going to come back no matter how strong you are..it always does...its part of ur life get use to it...o else you know what to do..peace
 
 

Posted by
amanda32
on 2008-01-28 14:47:33
 
Life is as you make it and i think kammy has a gr8 attitude. Life is already too short......if you havent got anyone to confide in then get professional help please dont give up.....you matter.....you really do...
 
 

Posted by
shawna201985
on 2008-01-28 15:48:13
 
I am so sorry you are so sad in your life. I hope yyou do the right thing and get help. I am sure you matter to everyone whether you live or die. I used to think about dieng allot to but I didnt do it because my kids need me. I need them. Find somebody who you know loves you and talk to them. Dont be ashamed. The ones you love would rather know that your ok an dhelp you than lose you. Dont hurt yourself anymore. PLEASE! its not worth the pain. Life throws us all rough spots. I want you to pray. Whether you believe or not pray and he will hsoe you the way. Have faith in your life and get help. You have a purpose so please just find it.
 
 

Posted by
roe
on 2008-01-28 23:39:45
 
tell someone, keep writing and try to get some help, I will be checking on you.
 
 

Posted by
BaybiiCharliie
on 2008-02-05 15:00:22
 
like i said on your other blog

i have a " friend " her names chloe

i told her i hurt myself she turned round and said oh i dont no why your worring i slit my wrists..
 
 


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weakenedHEART
Quebec, Canada

Latest Posts
1.  Mask (2008-02-26 00:12:31)  
2.  Maybe (2008-02-03 21:38:32)  
3.  Hey There Delilah (2008-01-30 20:33:28)  
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