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Hey, Hollywood, Stop Depressing Me!

I see movies all the time. When I'm on the road, it's not unusual for me to catch as many as three in one day, if I have the time off or plenty of down-time before a show at night. Other men are really, really into sports and will always catch their favorite team, no matter the time of day, as long as there is a game to be seen. Well, I've never been into sports, but I'll sit in an awful theatre mid-afternoon in Tulsa, Oklahoma, if there's a great popcorn film to be had.

In fact, I'm just as much (if not more) addicted to popcorn as I am watching movies. That's my one, true vice if ever I were to claim one: popcorn. I have been eating healthy foods for years, quit smoking and heaving drinking, and exercise on a regular basis.

But BOY I sure do love me some popcorn.

In fact, I love a big tub of popcorn so much, I'll even like a movie more if the popcorn is exceptionally good that day. If I watch a movie that is a definite "C", I'll elevtate my review to a "B-" just by default. If the popcorn sucks, and is too salty or way overbuttered, I'll likely not have as much fun in the theatre altogether. Recently, I had a blast seeing "Juno" and, due to a fantastic bucket of popcorny goodness, what was already a really good movie has now been remembered, in my mind, as a cinematic masterpiece. My opinion may change once the flick is on DVD but, for now, I'm all smiles.

That being said, I've been going through a bit of a personal struggle as of late. Even the bestest popcorn in the world cannot save me, I think, from the outpouring of truly depressing movies Hollywood has been doling out over the past year or so. By depressing, I don't mean movies that I wish were simply better than they were, such as "Fred Claus". I'm talking about movies that are often fine films themselves, but otherwise just plain downbeat and sad, right up to the closing credits.

I'm all for reality in film and am not one to dismiss a downbeat ending simply because it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, a comedian pal of mine, whom I often travel with, often mocks me with an impression of how I always rant "That doesn't happen in real life" while watching a movie where people act like idiots and do things that only movie characters do. That being said, I also don't think that a happy ending is necessarily a bad thing, nor something I have to be ashamed of wanting from the average Hollywood movie.

I go to movies to escape reality and to enjoy the (sometimes) fictional adventures of people I want to see succeed. I do not go to movies to be more depressed about the world than when I walked into the cineplex in the first place. In Toronto, where I live, a movie costs $12, with no matinee prices. Coupled with my beloved popcorn and a soda (or "pop", as Canadians say), costing me an extra $12, I'm already $24 in the hole before I've even seen the film, and that's if I'm at the cineplex alone. That's depressing enough without Hollywood killing beloved characters simply to make a point as to how gritty and "real" the movie is supposed to be.

I don't think every movie has to have a happy ending, nor do I think that every character needs to live to see another sunrise. Movies from "Arthur" to "The Fisher King" have handled that without making me want to hang myself. But I also don't need to waste my two hours watching needless tragedy simply because a former film student wants to be taken more seriously and, apparently, making people cry is a great way to do that.

The worst part about the "downbeat ending" trend is that it simply wastes my time for all the wrong reasons. I don't mind giving up two hours of my life to see a gallant hero get beaten and almost blown up if, at the end, there's an enjoyable payoff that has me leaving the theatre with a smile on my face or, at the very least, a sense of having seen something actually accomplished. But to waste that very same two hours of my life watching people struggle relentlessly, only to fail and die seems completely pointless. Why invest any interest in a story or characters if I'm only to lose them all and have the moral of the story be that, typically, people don't overcome the odds? Typically, the overwhelming odds against them actually do overwhelm them, and they do not succeed. Instead, they die trying.

I already realize that, Hollywood. I don't need you to remind me of it. In fact, I'd appreciate it if you could actually try to make me forget it while I'm watching your overbudgeted flick.

This isn't really a new trend, although it has become more popular as of late. I remember sitting in a film class I took when I was at University, watching all of the student films that were produced. Almost none of the films made by aspiring writers and directors were comedies, and a vast majority featured some awful, pretentious plot that ended with the main character meeting his untimely end. Each of these young filmmakers thought he was making a bold statement, going against the "norm" that was typical of Hollywood. What none of them realized is that they were simply creating an all-new "norm" of their own. Now, years later, there's absolutely nothing shocking or original about the "main character dies" plot device, nor the "downbeat ending" that I've seen no less than six times in the past two months.

I'm aso tired of the "We're-so-not-like-typical-Hollywood-because-our-movie-has-a -downbeat-sad-ending-and-that-just-makes-us-so-cool-and-diff erent" movies coming out that I'm deliberately avoiding movies that I can tell just by the previews might be that way. It's not unique anymore, it's not interesting anymore, and it's even become pretty predictable. Like the huge, digital clock on a time bomb that keeps ticking downward to an explosion, the downbeat ending is now just another Hollywood cliche I want to avoid when I'm watching a flick.

If you can make a great, interstesing, sad ending that somehow makes sense and has a point other than to shock the audience, I'll be the first to defend it. But nowadays it just seems like that is the goal of the filmmaker, rather than to actually entertain me first. Everyone is so busy trying to recreate the final scene from "Planet of the Apes" that they don't stop to realize that that movie was suspenseful and entertaining long before it's final twist. At least in that movie, the hero got to live to see another day, with his absurdly hot, mute love-slave riding shotgun along the way. If most young filmmakers had it their way these days, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker would've both died, the crane kick would've failed to stop Johnny from winning the karate tournament, and the giant shark would've eaten Brody and swum away.

What's so bad about a happy ending, anyway? There was a time when we went to movies to see things that we only wished could happen, but normally do not. we wanted the underdog to overcome, not fall behind. We went to movies to cheer and applaud, not cry and feel "taught" what someone deemed was a lesson we need to know. Have we become so cynical and numb to optimism that the very idea of implausible success is too ridiculous to enjoy? Isn't that what movies are all about? I get my "reality" every day, in the form of news, media, radio, and (shudder) television. I want my movies to remain an escape fom that reality, not a sad reminder that it exists.

So, Hollywood, please stop depressing me. I already know that death is inevitable and that, typically, the bigger, meaner guy wins the bar fight. I look to you to convince me it doesn't always have to be that way. If beloved main characters have to die, then make me believe it has to be that way, is necessary, and that a downbeat ending is for some reason other than to prove the sadistic nihilism of a writer who is mostly thinking about his award speech and not his audience.

I'll give it to you this way: It might not be the most realistic ending that the hooker from "Pretty Woman" marries the millionaire and they both live out their lives in a glorious penthouse of happiness, but it sure is a whole lot more enjoyable than the thought of her getting pistol-whipped by a pimp and left dead on the floor, which was the original ending to that movie.

True story. Now, go have a good cry. I need to make some popcorn.