Everyone thinks they know me. They know me, what I do, and they know my job, inside-out. Having watched dozens or more comedians on TV for however many years, the average audience member (or random guy at Starbucks) has deduced that my job is as easily understood as the opening three minutes to an early episode of Seinfeld. After all, all I do is stand onstage and tell a few jokes every night, followed by easy money and even easier sex, right?

Um...sure. Whatever you say.

It's flattering, actually, that people think my job is much, much more exciting and rewarding than it actually is on a regular basis. The sheer fact that I'm in the Entertainment Industry adds a certain appeal and illusion of extravagance that, in reality, just doesn't exit. At the end of the day, my job is just that: A job. Just like the average guy working in an office loves and hates many aspects of his job, comedians have ups and downs every single day at what is, for lack of a better analogy, our "office". Just like I'm unaware of the typical pains of being an aeronautical engineer, as was my father, there are many misconceptions about the grunts out there known as stand-up comedians.

Here's a few examples.

1. There is no "Circuit".

Everyone asks me "How long have you been on 'The Circuit'?" This question is not remotely annoying or anything of the like. It's just a misconception about comedians left over from the early 80s. Back then, there weren't so many comedy clubs and random venues littering the country. There actually was a kind of "circuit" that comedians followed. Eventually, clubs became one circuit, colleges became the other. Nowadays, however, it's all about simply getting work. There is no catch-all run of comedy clubs all tied together, working comics from coast to coast. Typically, a comedian has to seek work at each club on an individual basis. There is a difference in the level of comedy clubs, however, such as "A-List" rooms and "B-list" rooms, but that has to do with the level of noteriety of the performing comedians. The unknown guys spend more time in the "B-list" rooms, just as there are plenty of "B-list" movies lining the shelves at Blockbuster Video. I often like to call myself a "B-list Comedian with A-list tendancies". Still working on switching that around, of course.

2. Comedians don't work an hour a day.

People high-five me all the time and tell me, "must me nice to work only an hour a day". Well, I don't. Nothing could be further from the truth. Being a full-time comedian is a full-time job, and that includes the hours spent writing material, contacting people for work, and traveling to and from work. Sometimes I drive 12 hours to get to a city where I'm peforming that week. It's not exactly hard labor, I know, but I'd hardly call it lesiure-time, either. Also, it's not uncommon for a comedian to spend several hours a day, writing emails, making phone calls, sending out mail and doing random marketing in order to keep getting work in random clubs, colleges, or corporate events. That hour I spend onstage every night? That's the reward for all the hard work, not the work itself. Typically, standing onstage making people laugh is the easiest part of my job. Getting an agent on the phone on a Tuesday afternoon, however, is not.

3. Comedians aren't rich.

If comedians were rich, they'd probably not have so many jokes about what it feels like to be broke. In fact, being a comedian (unless, of course, you're one of the top 5% of comedians working today, including TV stars) is a middle-class job, at best. I'm not complaining, mind you (okay, maybe a little...but who doesn't?), because I get paid to do what I love to do and always wanted to do. After all, my last year with a "real job", I made seventy-five grand. My first year as a comic? I made nineteen. Any comedian who gets into the business to get rich is typically making a big mistake. Like the teacher working for little pay and the summers off, you do it because you love to do it.

Still, it's always amusing when comedians hear audience members surprised to find out that the comic is only driving a Toyota Corolla that is 10 years old. If comedy paid as well as people think it does, most comedians wouldn't tour as much as they do. You may notice that really famous comedians rarely tour as much as the unknown guys do. That's for a reason; they can afford to stay home. So, when the roadcomic in Nebraska says he can't afford to buy you that round of drinks, he's probably not kidding. Do the guy a favor and buy the stupid T-shirt he's peddling.

4. Comedians don't get laid all the time.

Comedy is a couples thing. People rarely, if ever, go by themselves. Typically, people go with their spouses or significant others. Yes, there is the occasional group of single women who come out to the comedy show at the local club, but everyone over fourteen knows that groups of women don't go out encouraging the members of their groups to sleep with strange men, espcially entertainers. Typically, the audience says "Great Show" on their way out the door to go home and sleep with someone other than the comedian. The comic, in turn, stays at the bar, tells stories to random members of the staff, and goes back to the hotel alone. Are there exceptions? Of course. Lightning strikes in the strangest of places. But, typically, the harem of women lining up to drop their panties at the sight of a funny man is mostly a myth. Also, it should be noted that women often don't sleep with comedians because they already think that tons of women always sleep with comedians. It's hard for a guy to get a woman in bed if she thinks she's nothing but yet another woman in yet another town. So, the result is that most comedians wined up going without. Not to say that a comedian won't try to get laid. Oh, heavens, we're known to do all kinds of stupid things if we think it'll grant us a ride on that roller-coaster. We're just not as successful at it as you might believe. There's a reason why rock stars have so much sex: they aren't comedians.

5. We don't fly as much as you think.

I drive to most of my gigs, and only fly when it's absolutely necessary or incredibly cost-effcicient. A comedian's expenses are his own and rarely get covered by the comedy clubs at which we perform, especially while at the lower levels of the biz. Sometimes the pay is good enough to fly, but sometimes a comedian has to book himself several weeks on the road at a time and, hopefully, work in a circle that leads him back home. In doing this, driving is the best--sometimes only--option. Of course, with the rising cost of gas and the option to "negotiate" air fare on websites like priceline.com, all of this might change over the next couple of years. I fly more now than I did just two years ago for this very reason.

6. We can't use the internet jokes you tell us after the show.

People always come up to me and say "Here's a joke you can use in your act". What they say next is typically an internet joke that they read at work or, often, the most vile, racist story I've heard in weeks. Neither one is acceptable for my act. We can't just use random jokes at will. That would be taking another comedian's act, a huge violation of an unwritten code we have: You don't steal other comedians' material. People break this rule all the time, of course, but 95% of all comedians try hard to write material that is original. Sure, lots of ideas have been recycled, but that's mostly because comedians tend to think alike, not because we're just stealing and sharing. So, I'm more than happy to hear your hilarious internet (or "joke book") joke...but it's doubtful I'll use it in my act.

7. It isn't easy to get on TV.

TV spots are handled by agents, managers, producers, and a whole bunch of corporate suits that have nothing to do with me or what I'm doing in a comedy club. People always say to me, "Why don't you go on Letterman or Leno?" as if it's an easy task that I can accomplish with just a phone call. Well, it takes years to get to that point and, honestly, most comedians never get there. I'd dare say that only ten to fifteen percent of all working comedians get a spot on one of the popular late-night TV shows, and it takes a lot more than just being funny. We're all funny. That alone doesn't make you special. Sometimes, like so much in the entertainment industry, it all comes down to being in the right place at the right time, or simply knowing the right people. Other times, it comes from years of hard work and determination. Either way, trust me when I say that there are absolutely no comedians out there actively avoiding a nice TV credit. If Letterman comes calling, you'd better believe I'll be there ASAP, whatever it takes. In fact, most comedians would be happy if given the chance to be on any TV show, as long as there is a chance it will help get him a little attention within the industry. Keep that in mind when you see me on Jerry Springer next month.

8. We're not always funny.

People ask my girlfriend if I'm always "on". She laughs because she knows there are times, just like now, when I'm sitting silently at my laptop, listening to jazz and drinking wine. As much as I love to be the wild and funny guy onstage, I love to unwind and chill-out almost as much. Everyone has some down-time, and comedians are no different. Besides, nobody wants to be around someone who is exactly the same, all the time. There are some comedians (I confess I used to be one of them) who are always cracking jokes, always trying to be funny, and always battling to be the center of attention. They're annoying. You want them to just shut up and pass the salt, but they're too busy trying to show the waitress their best "Kramer" impression. Believe me when I say, middle of the day, you'd rather be around the comic who prefers to just hang out at Barnes and Noble. Oh, and if you doubt me when I say that comedians aren't always trying to be funny...honestly, how often did you laugh at this article?

'nuff said.

We're good people, comedians. We love to entertain, love to keep people laughing, and strive for the audience approval with each and every show. That being said, we're also some of the most misunderstood people you'll ever encounter. What was the point of all of this, you ask? Well, when you see a comedian somewhere, perhaps walking around the mall in your local town, go up and offer him a hug. Better yet, just buy the guy a sandwich. He's probably broke anyway and, if you hug him, he'd just try to have sex with you.