Okay, so Sunday wasn't such a good day ... i stayed in bed all day.

But yesterday afternoon was good ... going to the doctor and all.  And then I had therapy today ... and that turned out great.  We talked about my doctor, and weight watchers ... and then about my mom.  I wanted to talk to her about how to deal with my mom, because she continually pisses me off.  It's to the point where I only talk to her once a month or so and that's just out of guilt.  I don't want to quit talking to her completely, but I don't know what to do.  My therapist and I talked about how mom has been an alcoholic for as long as i can remember ... throw in some sporadic drug use every few years or so.  Therapist says she's development stops when drug abuse starts ... which would explain why my mom acts like a teenager still.  Therapist says I'm going into the conversations very naively ... I know my mom ... this is how she's going to act ... I need to stop being so surprised at the way she acts and remind myself that I'm more than what she gives me credit for. 

I went to college while working full time as a single mom.  Yeah, I had help, but not from her.  Because of that degree, I've got a great job now.  I pay more in rent than she does for her crappy house payment.  I have a two bedroom duplex with two bathrooms and a garage.  She's got a crappy split level with three bedrooms and one little bathroom.  I have a car less than five years old.  The last car she bought was junk ... so she got it cheap and put it directly in the shop ... it's an early 90's model ... and it still doesn't run right.  The only time her and my step dad have ever been "well off" is when they were dealing drugs.  I am living frugally, because my credit is horrible and I'm trying to pay off all this debt!  She's constantly getting jealous of me, and putting me down because of my weight ... and in the last few years, she has really packed on the pounds.  I left my boyfriend when i got pregnant ... because he was an alcoholic who didn't want to settle down.  Mom stayed with my dad for twenty years even though he beat the crap out of her.  And she never would've left him if I hadn't forced her, and she hadn't met my step dad about that time.  I'm not still partying my life away in the bars ... she's twenty years older than me, and she's still acting like a college kid.

I sometimes have a hard time understanding why she doesn't want to be more involved in her kids' lives, but considering all the stuff we didn't do as kids ... it's no surprise.  She wouldn't have been involved then, except that we happened to live in the same house.

Looking back at all that I've wrote, it looks like i'm really bashing my mom.  I guess I am, but I need to remember these things ... because I would never throw them up in her face, but she has no problem whatsoever making me feel like shit.  She is the first to make fun of me for my weight.  She just doesn't seem to care about me, and when we are around each other, it's like she wants to be competitive with me ... almost like sibling rivalry.

So, I need to quit saying "why can't you be a good mom" and just accept her the way she is ... not a good mom, but still my mom.