94275feeling somewhat better lately, but my desire to cut myself over and over becomes stronger every day. im in desperate need of smokes, and even more money is being wasted on cough meds now. discovered that delsym contains DXM, which is absolutly wonderful at getting you high and it lasts for hours. i just drink half a bottle at the beginning of the school day and poof! its like a miracle. im completly out of it for the rest of school and for maybe even an hour after. its completly wonderful. nothing matters when im stoned. i didnt do my chem HW this weekend, but when i was walking down the hall i felt like i was going back in time to before the HW was even assigned. drawing pictures is also something i do now. today i drew an angry thunder cloud creating an earthquake in a little leprechaun king's kingdom. dont know what made me think of it, but i drew it during french. after i think about it, this picture kinda portrays how i feel. im the leprechaun king. small, insignificant. and it seems that the whole world (the thunder cloud) always just somes along and makes a big thunder bolt and creates a huge fissure right down the middle of my kingdom, which would probably represent everything i am. its like i just apinted a nice self portrait then someone comes along and rips it to shreds. there was also a ghost in the picture i drew. it was standing next to the leprechaun king. i like to think its my love for others and its dead, but still talks to me sometimes and makes me be nice. its the times i yell at him to go away that i really get my worst desire. the desire to end life. so many horrible fucking people in the world and not enough time to kill them all. i should just kill myself first instead of troubling myself with the wanted genocide of millions of people. it wont ever happen and seeing all these people still walking around makes me disgusted.