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| Help! How to survive a break up? A divorce? How to |
When you think you can't take it anymore, when you have devoted all your life, all your efforts and your dreams to just one person - if she/he is your spouse or just your long lasting boy/girl-friend, it is hard to envision life without them.
Yet , he or she, made the first step. Early signs could have foreseen a dying love: she/he keeps interrupting you while you talk, approaches subjects you have no idea about or no interest at all, makes a fool out of you in front of your friends, showing him/herself how strong she is and how you don't represent anything at all to her/him, makes love very scarcely or not at all ( has it passed a month since you 2 haven't had one night together?). Even while sleeping, you realise during night that he/she is in the other corner of the bed, self-sufficient and not with his/her arms around you when you shift sides.. These are just the first symptoms that he/she has dettached.
And this is true, it is just YOU who keeps ignoring the fact: YOU DON'T REPRESENT ANYTHING ANYMORE. But what do you do when that special person is STILL everything to you?
Of course, mending a broken heart is not an instant thing to do. But i will offer you 10 easy steps which i intend to follow, and tell you later if it worked or not. I am living myself the despair of losing the one i loved and that i changed my life for, the one that i praised for 8 years and the one i would have married in just a few months. Not because fate pushed us different ways, but because she fell inlove with another man. I hate to admit it but this guy seems to care for her, and love her. He is so happy when she's around and he makes her happy too. But what do i do with this heart of mine who keeps longing for her? For these mind of mine that keeps living in the past? Well, my dear reader, this is a bible. A bible written by a soul in mourning, a bible that doesn't forsee anything and doesn't want anything in exchange but gives you 10 strong reasons why you should continue to LIVE WITHOUT him/her.
But first of all, try to understand the most important thing of all: the reason why she/he left you so easily is because you don't represent anything anymore. It's like when you go to the supermarket and you would pass the pet shop products because you don't have a pet. She/he feels the same lack of interest, and he/she cannot care LESS FOR YOUR FEELINGS! No use for crying in front of him and destroying even more your dignity! She/he will not come back, as he already has somebody to make her/him happy and has long time forgotten about you! The normal questions you would ask yourself are: 1) Why has this happened to me? 2. When did this start? 3) How could i have not seen it? 4) What does he/she have that i don't have? The answers to these questions are actually NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL. Please understand that if she/he made up his mind, trying to discuss this with him/her and clarifying things will only bring you even more to the edge of collapsing. So STOP asking yourself these things and better focus on what i tell you to do:
So these is what i recommend.
1. Don't isolate yourself - try to get out with friends. Try to talk to them if you can. If you can't, like my case, try to just spend quality time with them. And if you don't have any friends, than you need some unconditional friendship that will be offered AFTER you offer some. Find the strength in you to do that: buy a small pet - a doggie will brighten your life and make it very busy. A kitty will amuse you and will be also very needy and you will start valueing something else INSTEAD of her/him. If you don't like pets at all or if you don't have the time to care for one, subscribe yourself to be a volunteer somewhere where they are needed: an asylum for old people, at the local hospital or even offer your support to homeless kids. There is ALWAYS somebody in more need than you are. And you have so much to offer! Just find the strength in you not to close this door that he/she has tried to lock you in.
2. Throw away all the things that remind you of her/him. And i mean everything that is in plain sight like pictures, his/her things, gifts from special moments in your past. As hard as it seems at first, not opening the wound everythime you look around, is actually VERY IMPORTANT. I'm not saying you should start throwing everything. These things will be replaced in time. Better than sniffing around old and filled with memories photo albums, you'd better just put them all in a drower and in some time - may it be a month, an year or more, get rid of them or select what you YOURSELF want to keep because it belongs to you. But for now, it's really important the obvious things don't draw your attention. You have other things to focus on.
3. Whatever you do, don't contact him/her. He/she is not interested anymore, probably if he/she sends a message back to your despaired ones is because he/she feels empowered to over you and amuses himself/herself deep inside to still keep you as a love-slave. And by "love-slave" i mean somebody who is chained to her/him - you. He/she wants to feel reassured you would still give your life and everything for her/him, IF the relationship with the new person in her/his life doesn't work. They still want a cushion to fall onto in case of accident. That's just the way it is, people are like this. But remember, her/his doubt is just a measure of his/her own weakness. Once he/she gets the certitude the new love is there to stay, he/she will leave you in an eyeblink. Trust me, i've been there.
4. Look into the mirror. What do you see? A swallen face with red eyes from crying. You most probably haven't been eating well, and losing weight.. and your smile is completely gone. You look like a photo of yourself taken from very far away..Why do you keep yourself going through this? Don't you love yourself? Don't you know that while you cry your eyes out, he/she is living her new romance story - kissing, dreaming, laughing and hugging and snuggling with somebody else? Do you really think he/she deserves all that from you?
5. Work. Even if it is not easy and you cannot concentrate, at the end of the day you will see the very least you did, was in fact SOMETHING that is defenetly more than NOTHING. It gives you that worthy feeling that you have forgotten. I know it doesn't mean much for now, but if you make your routing from achieving small records every day, you will have something very stable and very neat. And you actually need that. Not to mention it will bring you other people' appreciation. Yes, you will be faulty because at first you will not be able to see through the tears, you will not be able to concentrate then, but you ARE DOING SOMETHING!
6. Take care of your social necessities : like paying the cable, the phone, the electricity and all. Go out and interract with people you don't know. It will be helpful because you will still benefit from the confort you need at this moment, and it will also help yourself relate with others. If you need to argue with somebody, i advise you not to at this moment. Postpone it a bit, until you are certain again of your argumenting capabilities and strength. It will come, i promise.
7. When somebody kills another person, he/she takes his sins away onto himself. What she/he did to you is very much the same. So if you have something to regret from your past, even in your relationship with him/her, it's done. You don't have to repent anymore, your sins are on him to carry and if there is one god up there or even guardian angels, he/she will pay one day one way or another: losing also the one he/she loves , getting bankrupted or just plainly dying. A chinese wise man said: If you wait long enough, you'll get to see the bodies of your enemies floating down the river. It is true. Just make sure you outlive them, by taking good care of yourself right now. If you're sick, take your medicines, if you need a better job work for that, if you have something to do very important, just do that. And don't lose hope. You CAN do that because right now you're a better person with less sins or regrets in your history.
8. Ask yourself: in the latest time, were you happy with him/her? She/he actually did you a favor leaving you. Weren't you just sick of finding out how she/he was cheating on you? Weren't you developping paranoia going through her/his messages just to catch him/her with a lie that he/she would justify somehow and fool you again? Aren't you just fed up with being lied to and doesn't this ceasing of "police work" actually make your life quality better?
9. The only thing you should feel about her brand new "achievement" is: poor him/her! He/she doesn't know what he's getting, what he's fighting for and how she/he will suffer the same because don't forget that people change in the surface, but their inner side is and always be the same. And don't even try to argue with me! What you believe was true, was actually YOUR IMPRESSION distorted by love, hormones, sex and good time. You truely loved him/her and missed the fact that he/she is just a human nothing more than a primate with education, but still an animal that executes itself on instinct. She/he has faults you ignored from your sight, because at the time you THOUGHT you were happy. Hasn't the past situation proved just that? You wanted everything to be fine, and he/she leaves for the first new comer. LOL. I bet you feel stupid now.. But don't! Love is something that happens dramatically to all of us. It is true you can only love once but the fact that you loved her doesn't mean he/she loved you. Because love doesn't change. It remains the same even in your shreaded heart. You have to keep a good thought (and better just one good general impression about what happened between you and not your special valueble memories that now are worth crap). You have to admit you had your good times, but because love was not reciprocal, the weakest link let go. You are the strong one, but unlucky. For now! If you keep your heart open for new years to come, somebody will fall inlove with you and will love you as much as you loved her/him. Even if you don't love that new person back, try and not break her heart, because YOU are better than this. You have learnt that breaking a heart that truelly loves you is something close to a mortal sin. You have felt it on your own skin. Don't do that to somebody else!
10. Don't expect anything again from anyone. Stop judging people and stop feeling disappointed. This is all they can do and they are different in education, principles and interests. Get what you believe is available and enjoy the moment. And of course, offer back as much as you can, without damaging yourself. Take very good attention: the line between being very helpful and plain stupid is very thin.
I'll add one more advice that is supposed to ease the pain by medicating yourself with music. Actually knowing that other people have been through what you are now is very helpful. You are not alone and most everyone has lived a love story like that, but they just don't talk about it. And neither should you, as nobody is interested in your drama. As much as important and breathtaking may seem your personal tragedy, other people will not feel anything at this point, at most you can obtain pity from them. Don't over do it! Tell them if you must, but don't bore them with it and stop whining like a baby, you'll lose your current friends too that will keep avoiding a crying and not-funny-at-all person. The true power to overcome this resides in YOURSELF! I'll hand on a list of special songs - hate songs almost that will boost your morale in the acute part of a break up. Whatever you do, don't listen to slow songs or songs that used to be YOUR songs! Refresh your winamp list with these:
- Queen - Liar
- Staind - Mudshovel
- Vaya con Dios - Just a friend of mine (that's what you'll be like if you don't back off too from this relationship)
- Fiona Apple - Sleep to dream
- Marilyn Manson - Mechanical animals
- Bon Jovi - You give love a bad name
- Korn - Alone i break
- Marilyn Manson - Deformography
- Orgy - Blue Monday
- Korn - Make me bad
- Marilyn Manson - User friendly (that's what he/she 's been)
- Marilyn Manson - 15 (a song that you need to understand and live by the letter to it! - Once you have a new chance to experience happiness if not love, don't allow the person that mocked you so much to enter back into your life. You will end up unhappy and worse than at this point)
- Alanis Morissette - Oughta know
- Alkaline Trio - Good fucking bye
- Ally&AJ - Potential Breakup Song
- Ani di Franco - Untouchable Face
- Aretha Franklin - Chain of fools
- Beyonce - To the left (this is a good song because it shows power is basically yours - you don't need her/him, with his/her superficiality you can find ANYTIME another. The secret is yet to find somebody better than that)
- Bjork - So broken (others have been here)
- Carly Simon - You're so vain ( this is my wake-up alarm song because it shows a survivor that can after many years be very dettached and superior and who realised her valor at the right time even if it hurt alot)
- Cheers Darling (i don't know who sings this one but it will justify everything you do from this point on)
- Eamon - I don't want you back (not that he/she would come back, but in case you have the tendency to contact him/her again and expose yourself to the love-slave situation, just remember you need to be strong like this guy!)
- Flight of the conchords - I'm not crying (bitter sweet and funny at the same time - others have been here)
- Garbage - Stupid girl
- Garbage - Special
- Alice in Chains - Go to hell (it's not exactly addressed to a cheater, but it's still very good adapted)
- Violent Femmes - Gone Daddy Gone
- Good Charlotte - Moving on ( have a bit of hope, better things will follow once you get up from the floor)
- Good Charlotte - Predictable
- Kelis - Caught out there ( just the things you should tell him/her if you meet again)
- Miranda Lambert - Kerosene ( after all this pain is burned away, the ashes will leave a clean heart and a new start, you'll see)
- Korn - Cameltosis
- Korn - Somebody someone - when you're all alone
- Korn - Dirty (because he/she has been a whore/bastard feeding you lies while you have offered everything)
- Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff (oh how she/he should know how much it hurt you yet you are better than that!)
- Ludo - Love me dead (obssessive love that ends badly - you're not the first!)
- Maroon 5 - Through with you (even if i didn't like this guy at first, he is so determined that i now respect him and appreciate him for what he says. That's the man!)
- Nancy Sinatra - These boots are made for walking
- Eric Carmen - Never gonna fall inlove again (this is actually one that is truely a lesson and a testimony that things can be false no matter how beautiful they first appear)
- Papa Roach - She loves me not (it's hard to realise, and even harder to accept. But you have to)
- Plane White T's - Hate (I really don't like you) . Beautiful song that should give voice to the exact correct feelings towards your ex.
- Single Again - I don't know who sings it, but it's dedicated to all the women that have been phisically abused in their marriages. And even to you, my dear reader, you've been psyhically abused for too long and too much.
- Skunk Anansie - weak as i am (..."i won't cry a tear for you")
- Pink - So what
- Soft cell - Tainted Love
- Sunrise Avenue - Fairy tale gone bad
- Destiny's child - Survivor
- The 13's floor elevators - You're gonna miss me
- The Corrs - I never loved you anyway
- The Good Life - Heartbroken
- The Pippets - You're kisses are wasted on me (it's a very enjoyable song that you need very much at this moment. The girls are actually what his/her voice should be when addressing to you. This way you can understand her/his choice better)
- The Veronicas - Revenge is sweeter than you (have ever been)
- Justin Timberlake - What goes around comes back around (this is indeed a masterpiece) But all of them are.
And it should give you a good start in switching from your past winamp list to something you should REALLY be hearing to keep up your morale. Don't mistake yourself for his/her fool again. You have your whole life ahead of you. I know you wish now things were just the other way around. I do too.. But a one way love can't exist. And you have learnt that the hard way. Keep your head up, gather all your dignity you have left and let her/him be with the one he/she chooses to. They probably deserve eachother. And YOU, well YOU my dear friend, you deserve somebody better.
If you need any of these songs, you can find most of them on youtube. If i can help you in anyway or you just want to talk, please feel free to write comments or write to me directly. I know how hard it is to survive such a loss, but loos at it this way: with me along, you have one more friend by your side!
LIVE AND BE HAPPY!
SnowDusk
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Posted by vissalyna on 2009-10-14 16:37:39 | Rating: | Views: 74
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