Dedicated to D and S
The first thing you should know is Im a girl; I don’t mean this in a boring way and Im not using the word as an analogy,
Many of my friends have jobs in a shop and say working in the fast food industry is for the scum of the earth, IT'S NOT!
I know this because I have been in sales in shops and I have worked in a fast food industry,
they are no way similar, not even in the same planet or solar systems altogether.

The Second thing is.... I live in Suffolk, the two facts may or may not be related, and I wouldn’t class it as a city,
like none of my friends from Cornwall, i moved here reluctantly because I was made to. I left college and planned to
work full time or go back to college, If not well paying at least something intresting...or populated by exclusively by,
handsome eligible men. But as such positions are on thin ground almost everyone of my friends and family are
studying to be Lawyers, Solicitors, Teachers, or working in a shop to provide for a familly, including my friends B1
and B3 who are respected in there academic circles. Good God - a fate worse than death. Solicitors trumps even
academia in unsexiness stakes.

Fast Food Service jobs.... its all steady work but never demanding. I meet alot of people. Granted... there almost
all Men, most of them I'll never see again, and im required to serve both classes of sex regardless of whether the
coverd in hair moles or have a grand total of 2 teeth which are stained black and there breath smells so bad that
i want to puke. but its better than watching the clock to find out the next scheduled tea break. So when my
friends pull out the tired anaology of corporate employment-as-retail yet again, i nod knowingly and comiserate
them. We down cocktails and spirits and wonder where all our youthfull promises went.
Theirs is probably on a trunk road to the suburbs or next retail outlet, mine is making burgers on a regular basis.

Having said that, the leap onto full time work did not happen over night.
i ended up here because my dad wanted to set his buisness up here where people would pay more, with only a
small debt and a bit saved i thought i was set for a few months when we moved up here... but my surplus quickly
drained by rent and thousands more trivial expenses, my daily routine consitsted on ringing countless places in the
local town and writing thousands of letters nearly three quaters of them never replied.

Suffolk isnt the first city i lived in. 13years i have lived in Cornwall, it was the smallest place on the earth to me,
everyone knows everyone by name, you name it it happens.... has the most romantic beaches you could ever want,
and buying bus tickets became the highlights of the week.
Not long after moving i had a text from my dearest friend G, This is G's city so when she went out of her way to
introduce me to her boss i paid attention. " heard your in town... would love to meet when your free" the text said
He was a sexy compactly male with a cut glass accent and impeccable... and for my goodbooks not gay! when i
first met him... everything ran smoothly(for him that is) because i was so nervous my legs were crossed so tightly
felt like i was holding urine in and i had very bad leg cramps after it.

the working enviroment was manic, the sound of people talking, taking orders, shouting for
food, mingling with burbling backround music. Everyone looked possibly older than me and far better off, A Few
might have come from work others clearly had the day off at work to refresh at home and were back in once again,
the door each time opened let in a gust of autum/ winter air and smell of dry leaves.

The couple arrived. He led me into the office where i sat down tightly like i said above, was asked to fill out an
application form so i did, mean while he sprang questions on me about why and what i wanted to do...., then for my
dismay he introduced me to his Fiancee N4, we were well away from staff, N1 looked down at me filling this application
form out with great care and intrest, N4 gave me evils and loathing looks that look liked i fancied her partner...
never met someone who was so jelouse easy.

For a while after the idea of selling burgers for a living grew...but for a while i buried my curiosity about working
there. i borrowed money of friends and started to see a lad that i knew seriously, but i couldnt
stop thinking on how it felt, swept away in the back of my dads car in the middle of the night. i could do it i had
to see.

Not Long after i decided to keep a diary......

12th November....

the traffic up to the city is unpreditable and its better to go to work early than late. i had a shift yesterday and
had to kill three quaters of an hour of time so i went to the nearest record store and had a good snoop around.
Later Still......
R met me outside my work place just before 10pm i had been let out early, it had been a big boring long day. He
knows what i do, hes a close friend..., in pitch black and smirking he winks at me and says "have fun in there" i
was so tired i kinda snapped back " urgh managers!!! " "take that as a no then" he replied calmly. my eyes half closed
in his car i was kinda falling asleep but he was telling me more about the city and he drove me back home and i went
and literally died taking all my clothes off i had no desire to get my pj's on so i went to bed nude. not that i would get
cold anyway seeing as my bed has 2 douvets cause i get cold easily.

23rd November......

my manager N4 is sweet and lovely.... made me feel really welcome to the lot, made me laugh in many ways, she
always asked at first how my day went at the end of each shift i always had replied that it was lovely and the
customers are lovely even if its stretching the truth.


24th November....

Small handbags. Bah!!! the magazines can tout this smallest purse of the season or bag, but seeing as i leave the
house carrying...

* A pair of folding scissors ( Stray threads the enermy)
* 2 Pens ( My memory's good but not that good)
* My Mobile, incase im running late to phone work.
* A Spoon
* Lipgloss
* Compact and Mascara
* Small vial of perfume
* Tissuses
* Spare underwear
* Keys, Bankcards, other normal detritus
* work hat
* sometimes magazines if i recently brought one.

packing all that in the tinyest Louis Vetton bag anit gonna hold all that is it?

26th November

I was reminded of a phrase by the lecturing father today " Turning Tricks" wow..... so many i have forgotten that
he has told me but my god i loved this one!!!! :)

27th November

My parents are nice. i know im baised , but its true. in spite of having left my mothers a year ago, im still in contact
with her on almost a daily basis.
they both know what i offically do, they know im in the fast food section of work industry and thats it.... Knowing my
mum she proberly tells them im studying hard at college and this is part time or something to her friends.....My
parents arnt stupid.... i firgured that out a good 2 years ago.

"hello dora dick still beating the streets" goes mums bf "ha ha ha..... is mum there" he grunted and handed the
phone over.
"when are you coming home" she asked..... no hello or hows you looking after your health? straight to the piont
thats her....
"hows the job search going" i ummmmed and errrred i couldnt rember what i last told her eek! "not bad few things
out there nothing yet tho" i replied....actullay its all not lies.... i had a job.


28th November

So much for a relaxing break from work,.......That aside the benefits of taking one day off - apart from a chance
to catch up on all the laundry which as always leave to last minute - apart from this i havent shaved my legs in a
while besides its good to do this to get a nice cut clean shave...apparently our hair's below where there for
lubrication...No!!... Really im being serious pity men dont realise this nor do women thease days,....( by the way)
i read it on the internet.

29th November

Crew Member i work with: So why do you do this?
Me: im not sure i have an answer to that
Crew member: there must be something at least you tell yourself
Me: well, prehaps im the sort of person who can adapt to something for a no good reason other than reasons i can
think of not to...
Crew member: so if someone told you to jump off a bridge
Me: depends on the bridge and if they were paying.... why?
Crew Member: oh no reason.

30th November

N4 is back from holiday with N1, im now in an increasing angry mood... there is one majour problem to what i do for
a living at the moment! and its bloody rumors! having been dragged in the office by N4 i now realise how bloody
cold hearted some people are,.... apparently i fancy N1... well i did when i first met him, but quickly realised he was
out of bounds and quiet dull, but a laugh.

1st December

One of my majour fantasies is ither F or B5 fisting me when it comes to the sexual act with ither of them. This is not
because ither of them have got me into bed yet but is because they havent. For one thing B5 has the most gorgeous
hands ever i have seen on a male, but F has the most smooth hands i have ever touched. having said this manuals
would say that this would come with time, but lets face it im a busy girl and sitting around waiting for this to happen
is the anathema of romance... wish one of them would just ask me out, bah! the thought of having to tell the other
i have a boyfriend wont be easy.

2nd December

ahhh yes holidays are great because.....

* Everyone in the country can piss off work.
* the smell of mince pies, complicated passionate discussions about mince pies. Shopping trips buying mince pies.
* End of the year anxiety, equals a spike in workload for me, man i feel like im running the local greasy spoon.
* getting to see the people you know and love, also getting to see the people you know and love drunk.

This year i want the terrible gifts from those nightmare aunties! Bring on those wooly socks and pj's please!!!

3rd December

Ive been cleaning out the make up shelf. discarding crusty bottles of old nail varnish and foundation sodden sponges
in the beginning i thought this job would be a stopgap, now its been a month now its sorta become a routine, but
i rember when it always didnt seem like that.



4th December

it used to be easy to buy the faintly embarrising items and hide them with the rest of my purchases. Of course
this is not so much a clever ruse as socailly accepted fiction. No shop assistant is fooled but the extra strength
deodrant hiding amongst the oranges - its just not nice commenting on a single sore thumb in otherwise remarkable
cascade of groceries. And we all have biological functions.
there is one Chemist i buy for normal things now and another Chemist for all the odds and ends.

so here is what i buy

Chemist 1

* Shampoo
*Toothpaste
* Bath Salts
*Cucumber gel masque

At worst this might stimulate a solicitous, "Ooh a facial masque?...Treating yourself? "
As to the oposed shop at chemist 2

Tampons
Condoms
Sugarless Breath Mints
Lubricant
Individual post waxing wipes
Self-Tanning Liquid
Razors
Potassium citrate granules (for cystitis)

The odd looks you get from that.... well there is one thing you should know.... I don’t actually buy all of this all the time just the regular top ups now and then... eg: tampons and the mints.... (Get the picture?)

5th December

Today i have been given

A £1 coin change (from a £2 took the bus)
A pair of white socks (from work where I left them)
A personal alarm (from a friend)
A silver and amber bracelet (from a customer)
Five of those weird daisies (from a non paying admirer)
A parcel from the postman (isn’t this dads job?)
Strange looks from a taxi driver (so he knew)
A cold (see first item on the list)


6th December

The next morning I woke to three missed calls…. To unknown numbers and no voicemail.
Nothing unusual then, the third one was from B5 something in the wee hours. Im such and idiot…
least they weren’t international calls.

The text from B5 I also had said this: are you still seeing F? If so are you aware I didn’t know?

Sigh I rang him at his work desk. “Hello sorry to disturb you at work.”
“That’s ok.” He sounded surprised
“I read your text”
He didn’t answer
“Im not seeing F I haven’t in ages.”
Still no answer
“That’s ok I really don’t have to ask do I?”
“You still seem close, and with you both being friends….”
“And that automatically assumes were more than friends does it?”
“Well no it doesn’t” he paused
“But B1 was very surprised to find out you and I were a thing and asked if I knew about you and F?”
“Excuse me………… us to… were a thing?”
“Ummmm”
“This is bullshit”
“Hey calm down I still love you and care about you”
Argh those stupid words again “ I don’t feel the same way, if you didn’t know that you know now”
I ended the phone call.

I lost £4 credit for that phone call…. He kept ringing back. I turned my mobile off, went to bed and read a book.

7th December

Counting the days away till Xmas! Isn’t it weird how all of us people these days seem to have Xmas decorations up like on November 21st or something…. What’s wrong with the world?
Today I discovered….
· I get cold quickly
· I’ve lost a lot of sleep recently
· Chocolate doesn’t solve emotional problems
· And… B2 is kind of not who I thought she was…. She’s quite a bitch sometimes.
· Dairy Milk has replaced my old favourite chocolate galaxy.
· B4 is getting married next august whoooooo!

R, I miss him.




27th December

i apologise for not actullay writing anything for weeks and weeks but ive learned alot thease last lot of weeks!
N4 is a complete utterly fucked up bitchy boss. I hate her!
B2 is as just as fucked up.... she causing me once again problems in my life. i choose to ignore her and her friend C.
im getting really angry with family members, they allow me to have a few drinks... fair enough of course cause of
my age.... i also want them to know that im not a kid anymore. im 18 this 2008 and i dont give a shit but i really
have grown up.

28th December

i apologise to writing this late and not in my last diary entry. MERRY XMAS ND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)

29th December

munching on a tin of heroes. today i went to work, A gave me a lift in... bless him! said he misses me seeing as
hes working in another store and felt like giving me a lift.
i miss A.
A, hes sweet, funny, caring, charming, bit of a player, bad guy but good in the heart... my ideal type.... but i dont
fancy him, rumors flying around that i like him but he doesnt click my heart... i hope he doesnt belive them, or has
got his eyes on me and wants to ask me out.

30th December

urgh! one downside of the week. today i didnt get enough on my pay check :(

31st december

had a family get together, stayed over H1's and H2's house with my dad and his gf, had a normal poker match,
drunk 6 big bottles of blue vodka ice, got very drunk, lost the poker match, and crashed in H1's daughters room on
a tweenies bed. fine a classy new year.

1st January 2008

this year my resolutions are...

* to find a real love
* to sort my life out before 18
* to take my life on a great direction and get qualified at college
* to have the best 18th ever
* to figure out who i am before 18
* to kill B2 ( not literally)
im still angry at her.....Fucking bitch!

so all in all the resolutions should be easy to keep.... must rember to write my wishes aswell.
im tired.... i think im going to turn in, back to work tomuro. not looking forward to it.

4th January 2008

i went back to college today, my anger has become restless again with B2. shes really hard to stay
mad and be angry at.... unlike me im a pushover, i let people get away with it all.
College course sounds good. 11wks and im a qualified in ILM Team Leader / Floor Management!
kick ass!
maybe N1 might promote me?? N4 hates me... no chance.
ive offically made my mind up, im coming back to cornwall in 2yrs. :)
i must also add that i trust B2 with my life still.
ive also discoverd that i have like 8 new spots ewwww!
i cant wait to see F soon....
regarding the sex topics.... Orgasims.

ive just realised that you ought to know. regarding orgasims, i dont. i belive that sex should be the quality of
your enjoyment and that doesnt always mean coming. im not commenting on a way for people to know how to
make me orgasim, i enjoy sex more than just a tiny physical tingle. Being desired is fun, dressing up is fun.
sometimes a race is good day out - regardless of where you finish.
knickers today, black & pink flowery set, with a pink lacey thong to match. ( my favirote pair)
i think ill turn in.
:)
night. xxxxxxx

6th January 2008

R, im going to miss you... we have gone our seprate ways tonight. i feel like ive lost the most caring and
understanding guy i have ever know. ive been told im an attention seeker alot of the time. i know when im
crying for attention and when im not. i do it alot and i feel immature to say it but ill blame it on my past.
my past is for me to know and when you wanna know what im on about read my other book..on bebo.
it kills me that im going to miss him more than anything, because he was so special to me. hes helped me
so much through loads, i feel like i have lost someone i love even though my feelings for him are brotherly.
so im an immature freak of a bitch who practically hates herself anyway and knows now that people hate me.
i dont want attention from this entry. thats not what this is about. but i hate saying goodbye, i knew i was
gonna lose alot of people when i left cornwall.... thats why i didnt want to leave.
i wish there were some area's where i could just ask how to mature on. R's not perfect, how he matured to
a guy from throwing sand in my eyes and hurting me on the beach to the most perfect adult hes refuring him
self as then maybe ill never know. "all i wanted to say was i love you and that im not afraid" - quote from an
evanescance song. i do love R. i always have done.
my other majour problem is that i get jelouse easy, if someone recently has become good mates with one of
mine i get jelouse, i build up paronoia that im going to lose them and that gives me an attitute that i take out
on people. im sorry for this, its something i have to control but..., i find it hard.
R, if i have to walk away and say goodbye then fine i will i can be a mature adult when its final. just ask B2,
but dont go please....
my head always lands in a mess and i always rely on my close friends B2, B4, B1, to bail me out or help me.
B2 and i, were not friends. were civil. but i couldnt not have no contact with her. shes an amzing person inside.
B4, we recently got contact back, i love her to bits. she knows mostly what im going through all the time, because
she's been there.
B1, the boy guru.... i love you babe, thanks for helping me through the shit with B2 and E, E... will longly be
forgotten,.... B2 is another example, i couldnt lose you completely and i know B1 knows and understand this.
R, your diffrent from my other mates, always will be..... words are meaningless inless you realise how much i
care about u.
I love you R,
"you still be you and i'd still need to say goodbye"


21st January

im obsessing over a song that reminds me of my brother, i miss him so much since ive moved... i may not of seen
him as much as i would of hoped when he moved to a ceartin area in cornwall but least he was close by if i needed
him, i know this sounds stupid but i feel like im the lonelyest girl in world since ive moved, ive lost my mum...where
i could always pop by and see her, i lost my brother who i could always talk to... i lost my family and friends...
where they have always been there, i lost a happy workplace. and for what for? ,a depressing sad no family/friends
life, i so badly want to go back, i know im back near where i was born but i need to be in cornwall, its my home...
it has been for the last 13years and i want it all back. a friend sed to me a couple of days ago that why dont i ask
my mum to take me back in, my mum are on the way to fixing a relationship but she wont take me back... i can
just hear her now " stop being childish and expeariance all of this and take it on" am i being childish? so childish
that i wana regroup with all my friends and just go somewhere anywhere in town or beach or something, i suppose
it draws down that i just wanna go home..... home to cornwall.....its where i belong.

why couldnt i have been blessed with better parents always run in my mind, why do i always see them in a bad
way.... maybe sometimes i see things in light with them.
Dad just made me clean the bathroom, he says i do hardly anything around the house! i pay £180 rent every
fortnight.... and what does he do, sits up there working on watches and what does his gf do? she cooks
and makes tea and dinner for us but she doesnt pay a penny to live here, she doesnt pay off dads debts!
urgh!!!!!!!! i dont hate my parents im just fucked off... my mum never charged me that much to live at home!
"there's got to be more, than this life i know" "i only fear that i dont have enough time left"
words from my song that im obsessed over... completely diffrent from the one about my brother.
ive got nothing more to say right now.
x night