feel stagnate in my life rite now. I don’t know what it is. I guess I’ve gotten into a rut with a lot of things. I do pretty much the same thing every single day. I get up, go to work, come home, nap, work out, then maybe go out or stay at the house…. I’m so sick of doing the same thing every single day. I’m ready to move on and start a new chapter but I don’t know where to start it. I’m really thinking about getting back in school this summer and seeing how that goes. Maybe that’s what I need to start new and rekindle my life flame. I have nothing to want for in my life rite now. I have a GREAT job and a WONDERFUL boyfriend… A sort of fucked up family life but other people have it worse. My family is great just dysfunctional. But I know they love me and I love them with all my heart…
I always have so much I want to say until I get in front of a computer or a pen in my hand. Then I just draw a blank on everything I had to say. It’s frustrating. Writing is my only outlet and lately that hasn’t even been going well for me.
I have so many fears in my life. Losing my parents. Upsetting my boyfriend. Letting my brother down. Losing my friends. My main one is losing Richard. He’s everything to me and I’m so scared that this music thing is going to draw us away from one another. That has been one of my fears since we started dating and that hasn’t changed. I try to keep in hidden deep inside but some days it comes up and affects everything I do. From work to spending time to with him. It’s all affected. I just get gloomy and can’t seem to cheer up. Then I just bring him down but I never tell him what’s wrong. I don’t want to upset him with it. So it takes me a minute but I just put on a smile and pretend that it’s just another day. I want to be the perfect girlfriend for him but I am so far from perfect that I can’t even laugh about it. I’ve changed myself in so many ways for him. And at times I feel like I’m still battling little things with him. Things that are so trivial in so many ways to him but to me are so important… but now that I think about them they must not be because I can’t remember a single one. Just so much of my life has changed in the past year and some I wonder if it was for the good… the majority of it was so don’t get me wrong about that one. I’m not the same little snotty brat I used to be but I cant help but wonder if I gave up some of myself and who I truly was....


We had a little spat today. I said something’s to Jamie yesterday that really upset him. Honestly I can’t blame him for being upset. I told Jamie that I wanted to have a kid just wasn’t ready to have one with RLD. She asked me why and I told her because I didn’t feel like I really knew who he was. He saw the comments and got upset. Like I said, I don’t blame him I would have been crushed to. But that’s not all true. I told him it was but it really isn’t…. honestly I would give anything to have a child with him and I would be ok with that happening now. I’ve actually been praying that it would as fucked up as that may be. I know we are financially able to take care of a child but I would be thrilled if I didn’t start this month. I want a family with him and have since about the first month of us dating. He’s my life I see so much of a future with him and I couldn’t ask God to give me a better father for my children than him. We’ve talked a few times about having kids. The other day he was joking around with me about stopping my BC and he’d knock me up… if only he knew how much I wish he was serious…. I feel like a terrible person for wishing that. Is that wrong of me?Don’t get my wrong now. I will NEVER intentionally stop my BC to get knocked up.it’s just so frustrating for me because I always saw myself getting married and having children young and before all my friends and now ALL of my group pretty much either is married, getting married, or about to have a kid…


this is only a part of what i wrote the other day... just had to share and get some imput