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Staring at the screen

is what i've been doing for the past 5 mins trying to think of where to start, cuz all my thoughts are flooding my mind and i feel messed up.
lets start it with the fact that um listening to "Cries at night" by Double Stamp. theyre not a well-known band, most people (like me) know them off Jamlegend. anyway its a gd song..
i woke up to the wierdest dream this morning. its a mix of my school here, with a couple people i havent thought of in a while from my school back in Jordan. It kinda reminded me how i was much more accepted back there...i dont enjoy these thoughts. Homesickness is all...bittersweet. Lately ive been thinking wayyyy more about it than before, its really...idk..its opening my eyes to see how much ive changed. and mostly i think ive changed for the worse not the better.
And im pretty sure the fact that my parents think i have an attitude and am becoming "a canadian spoiled brat" proves it. Thing is, they have no idea how much it hurts when they say that because im the type of person whos all about being yourself and not pretending or faking a personality and i dont even know who i am when they say that because of how ive changed. it just confuses me. plus im not the type of person who just spills her feelings when im mad at someone...
i geuss im just a teen trying to find myself.

-half an hour passes-

ok i was just looking at my cousins graduation photos from Jordan with my mom...omg, shes so pretty (my cousin). and my uncle looks like a grandpa now O.O
its so wierd seeing how everything changed and me not being a part of it.
eventually stalking my cousins photos evolved into stalking my previous classmates and friend's photos...
guys (and girls) ive grown up with my whole life now look SO different, and my mom was ooh-ing and ahh-ing all the way.
i wish i was there now.
but problem is, i like Canada more...
so im stuck in the middle with my feelings.

anyway, the whole Seventeen magazine problem from my last blog is solved now..the last 2 days were pretty hellish; shopping for camp supplies with my family and going to Canada Day celebrations downtown...the Citadel and parades and stuff. it was raining, which didnt help with anyones mood either. and my family NEVER stops arguing, and i cant help thinking how stupid theyre acting. im also an expressive person, so you can see why i "have an attitude".

then me and nats hung out alot and she had a huuuuge fight with her mom...she vented, we talked for like 2 hrs at this kiddy park at the end of my neighborhood. it was great bonding time =] then she went off to camp the day before yesterday (friday)...shes coming back on the 12th but by that time ill be away on MY camp (from july 10th-15th) and shes going to Cadet Camp on the 14th...so im not seeing her till August. man, im gonna miss her.

i also learned today that Will's not coming back from France till either the 28th of august or july. according to his buddy Zach on youtube at least. its so frustrating. i feel REALLY stupid now cuz i think about him alotttt (even dreamt of him once, you have every right to think im a freak -cuz i do- xD)...and he probably doesnt think of me as much. probably. i hate that word. i dont even know if its true, which really bugs me. i hate not knowing. maybe its nuts, but i keep thinking bout him meeting some hot french girl and makin out etc etc.. THEN i remember all the stuff i said to him and things we've been through and i wonder if he'd throw that away? i mean, i know a summer fling doesnt mean much and i wouldnt mind having one at camp lol but i just wanna KNOW! i wanna know if he actually thinks about me. urrgh its driving me nuts haha.

plus theres a whole new crappy thing with the computer. the awesome parents wanna limit comp time for us 3. gah, i need it more than they do. all they do is play games and WoW (world of warcraft) and occasionally go on msn...
I go on msn/facebook/youtube..ok and runescape..but i dont really PLAY, i COMMUNICATE with people and my friends. its not a waste of time (unlike what they do).
meh.
my mp3 earphones are broken too and im going crazy without music. parents wont buy me new ones on account of the phone bill. yes theyre STILL mad about it.
looks like its gonna rain again today...what a summer.
been raining for almost 2 weeks.
so much for swimming at the lake and waking up at noon -rolls eyes-
maybe after camp..
hopefully.
also, chances of seeing Will are getting smaller, and we STILL dont know if we're going to Jordan this summer or not.
as ive said before, i HATE not knowing.
and that concludes my blog for today because mom needs her laptop :)

aurevoir mes amies.
(goodbye my friends)