Once again, im too lazy to write after my previous blog..
have you geussed the titles lyrics yet? (read previous entrys title)
so current stuffs..its raining, i need a shower, i miss camp, i might go to Jordan, and im prolly NOT going to PEI or seeing Will >.<
parents and immigration shit again.
thing is, if they tell us we can stay but CANT get out of canada, we'll go to PEI.
if they say we CAN get out we're going to Jordan.
i honestly dunno where i wanna go more.. probably Jordan.
im not even supposed to discuss stuff like this on here :) but i dont give a shit anymore
it bugs me and im getting it out.
anyway, ive been talking to Will's friends (Connor and Zach) more than him lately. its pretty messed.
i dont freaking get why he doesnt just get msn, or his own comp..cuz i have a feeling he uses his dad's or something. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. it makes me mad.
i dont like not getting my way haha..  (doesnt mean im spoiled)
yesterday we had to pick up the sibs from their camp..i got to see Cocoa Bean :D
well she was with her friend Mia (whom i dont really know) so it was a tad awkward. it also started pouring. in the car all the sibs talked bout was camp haha. they did alotta stuff i did.
fun fun.
i also talked to Nick (online buddy) bout video games and cars and stuff.. Need For Speed ftw!
it also just registered that if i go to visit Jordan, we're gonna get all our stuff that we still have there..and...that includes...the PS1! yaaaaa.
i know, you/re thinkning "haha ps1..." but honestly, when youv had no gaming system for 2 yrs you wouldnt care that its a ps1 xD
why do i think everyones out to judge me? hehh

on a more serious note..
its back. again. and its fuckedddd uppp.
except its more bipolar than depressed.
im doing it again, labelling myself...>.<
yesterday i just sat and thought, about life and shit. and yeah, conclusion: i hate my life. not as in "omg my life sucks", no as in "i honestly am not happy with my life and i hate it".
i do.
why?
i find theres more shit in it than gd times.
you're thinking, maybe nows the time to make gd memories and gd times last?
not so easy when you feel messed up.
i dont like/want people telling me to "get help".
or people feeling sorry for me.
maybe im lying to myself and im not depressed/bipolar and i just want to be
maybe i actually am
see thats how fucking confused i am, i cant even identify my own feelings
its just everything piling up again..
mostly missing my gran.
the day i wrote my previos blog entry, i bawled my head off home alone. and it started when i was playing piano cuz it reminded me of her.
did it again last night, cried myself to sleep
i geuss it just all recently hit me, shes GONE.
gone. forever.
heh, i geuss it exists..
actually no it doesnt, not forever, maybe just till i die
but..ill love her forever.
so, forever exists? 
still dont believe in it. i like to think forever means long-lasting till something happens that makes it STAY that way.
'cause nothing lasts forever
that lines from a song heh. dunno which one..oh great now its gonna drive me crazy till i find it. whatever.
i just msis her, so much.
even though it happened last feb. its still THERE.
along with homesickness, possibility of moving, not seeing Will, missing camp, hating life, hating what i look like.
only thing i love atm is music.  
its always there for me. always will be...
forever?
this time, yes.


im done. bye.