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| My 11:11 wish of worry. |
currently: 11.16
feeling: like shit
reason: connor, and other things
No, it's not something he said/did.
its something that happened to him as a kid.
heres a big thing you should know about me, when a friends really hurting i hurt too.
no matter who, no matter what.
i dont feel like i should break my promise and write what happened on a stupid blog.
its just something bad enough to make him start fucking cutting, and him feeling better after he does. and me to feel horrible enough to vent out my feelings.
...or to rant
so here goes
connors getting fucked up and i really dont like it. cutting...feeling depressed suddenly..
and i hate this:
Connor Mycroft says:
*long sigh*
last time i said this was to chalyce at school and we kinda just stood there and hugged for like 10 minutes.
"this" as in what happened.
as in, he'd tell chalyce (whom hes met like a month ago) before a..best friend hes known for months (who happens to like/love him still...)
its jealousy
followed by instant guilt
self-pity
sympathy for him
hurt.
worry, that he'd do something as stupid as cutting
because ive done it once before, and IT IS FUCKED. you dont even WANT to know what it feels like. And worry that him feeling BETTER when doing it, might cause him to believe its actually making things better (which it doesnt, ever.)
i cant help that i like him, and i despise the fact that i cant BE there WITH him to help him.
and screw chalyce.
and ive been feeling like a fucked person lately because i just get hyper alot then im like all pissy next second then hyper then depressed.
no, i dont know if its bipolar.
and i dont care.
natalie thinks im bipolar...but she can go think whatever she wants.
she just bosses me around, ALOT. since day 1 i met her, seriously. im sooooo sick of it. my mom says if she was really my Best Friend i wouldnt feel this way. maybe shes right.
except i tend to look on the negative side of things.
ocd, bipolar, depression...stupid labels
im just me, however (actually, or not) messed up i am. i want everything to just fuck off, even my own thoughts.
i hung out with my sorta-ex jack today.
sorta-ex cuz we were "friends with benefits".
in other words, he just wanted to get some.
and jeeez hes such a douuucheeebaaaggg, im not gonna even bother going into details.
hes gross, with his skinny jeans and stupid hats.
Far away by nickelback on..
one of the best songs in my life.
my head hurts, i need to pee, i need a shower, i need sleep, and im gonna feel like crying soon. but i dont really care.
havent slept really well in a while. always stay up late...
mostly to do hw. like last night i had to finish a vid project that me and nats were working on, i finished it at 12. but it payed off cuz it was one of the best in class (in my opinion anyway). people laughed.
11:38 now.
thursday tomorrow, great. band and gym...and lunch band >.<
and i have shitloads of assignments for school
and stuff i have to do in general
and piano...
i wish i could hideaway from it all. i wanna be a kid again, life was so simple.
i hate will, zachs never online (avoiding me?), connors in pain (so i am too), i live in a shithole with people who dont GET it, i doubt my best friend (irl) is even my best friend.
she says that i think everyones out to get me.
connor has just signed in.
◘¤◘ ¥@$m!N ◘¤◘ . says:
*..hey
Connor Mycroft says:
*hi...........
◘¤◘ ¥@$m!N ◘¤◘ . says:
*tears?
Connor Mycroft says:
*you dont want to know...
◘¤◘ ¥@$m!N ◘¤◘ . says:
*no, i do
*you didnt...did you..?
Connor Mycroft says:
*8 were/are bleeding
lost count of how many didnt
◘¤◘ ¥@$m!N ◘¤◘ . says:
*FUCK.
Connor Mycroft says:
*FUCK ME
◘¤◘ ¥@$m!N ◘¤◘ . says:
*connor stop it seriously!
*its not worth it
*fuck the past
Connor Mycroft says:
*i thought i was done after a couple
*buth then Mom and dave started fighting
*so....
◘¤◘ ¥@$m!N ◘¤◘ . says:
*oh fuckk
there goes my wish, out the window
FML.
why do i love him so much.
...yay tears.
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