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havent posted for a few days . well to be honest since my physcologist appointment, someone how me and my stupid mouth spurted out that i have found some kinda of relief in blogging. yes she wants to look at my blogs . i stupidily agreed. and then after kinda felt although its open to the public to view its still private. does that make sense? . i mean none of you know me . so its ok. then i think . well hang on why wouldnt you want anyone that knows you to read this.. the answer is perhaps because im scared of peoples reactions as a lot, well as much as i can is kept inside. sometimes not of my own accord no matter how much i want to share my self pride wont let me. well its been a very strange few days and of course the wobbling head dance come back ( see previous blogs ) the phycologist isnt sure if cbt will work for me. so great if i dont get that . then what help do i get. i mean dont get me wrong if it aint going to work then i agree with her but when your like me gripping onto little things praying they will make my illness go away its kinda a big let down. i only want to be " NORMAL " again . but was i ever normal see the phycologist said to me that " to you it may seem normal as its all your ever known" like what the fuck is all that about ?. so i dig deeper into my now confused brain and ask : so have i never been normal . next question was childhood. how was your childhood ? . well im 31 and dont remember much so because i dont remember much she now thinks i had a unhappy child hood. so now im into my head big time . i wasnt bullied and i dont remember being happy correct as i dont remember being sad . so perhaps i have blocked this all out for a reason . can you remember all of your child hood ? well after a bad few days of pains and being sick yesterday at work i had a shocking pain in my chest ( i have had panic attacks for 6 years now and for past 3 months every attack has given me new symptoms ) i knew what this pain was . i was right all along it was a fucking heart attack. that was it i jumped into the car and sped to accident and emergency . double parked outside the entrance and rushed in with my medication in hand and a bottle of water. Hi Mark , was the response i was given by the reception lady . oh god i dont even reconise her . im sick and who is she , to know me. mark listen she said . your having a anxiety attack the doctor will do your stats and a ecg to calm you walk through those doors. i didnt think much about the lady until i started writting todays blog. my ecg turned out fine and the tablets im on slowed my heart rate and my heart rate is better than mosts but i still had to see the registar for him to confirm this . a man walks in . not so much a man he must be younger than me and he sits down and starts to rabble on about anxiety. i try to smille and tell him via a facial expression to go fuck his self and not talk down to me about anxiety attack . for what does he really know ? hes never had one. ive had thousands so i think im the expert around here . he then says he needs to check my ecg print out. so he walks out and comes back with the print out and goes to close the door . and i said where u going whats wrong?. he says he needs a second opinion. WHAT . i knew it ive had a heart attack i started to be sick all over myself and the floor . he tells me to get a grip and the ecg is fine its practise to get it checked twice . ( its never happened before when i been there ) after a while he comes back to see me laying on the bed with only my boxer shorts on . for now he could see a panic attack . i was trapped . he closed the door .. i sprung from the bed and opened it. he was just staring and had that look in his eye . the look that i hoped was shock and some understanding .. hopefully for when a similar suffer turns up at his desk instead of spurting out text book crap out of his mouth he tries to re assure. i sip water and start to feel a little better i walk to his hand basin and start to wipe my self down. of course what made it better was the hand scrub they have to prevent these hospital super bugs i stood there and used the whole pot on my arms . it was a nice feeling to feel clean. i left the doctor or training doctor as it seemed he was just staring in amazement as i left the cubicle. i say thank you and apologise for my illness . he kinda says thats what hes here for . i then walked to reception desk and say thank you and the lady smiles and says bye Mark. i get in my car and drive home feeling tired but alive. i got home grabbed a glass of water and fell asleep. and here i am bright , alert and feeling ok .. anxiety level now is about 3-4 best its been for a while . must be the re assurance ? . the lady behind the desk . how did she know my name.? simple i have realised i have been running to the emergency room atleast once a week and maybee more for quite some time. still its good to have friends. and while i keep paying my taxes i will not feel im a drain on the system. seeing as i dont charge to educate there training doctors . heres to a good day
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Posted by uneducated on 2007-10-16 00:05:06 | Rating: | Views: 75
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I'm sorry you had to go through that ordeal again, but really glad you found some reassurance from it. With your OCD and mine - we could probably launch the world's most hygenic toast restaurant!! ;)
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Posted by Zathyn
on 2007-10-16 01:23:52
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