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| my deepest, darkest secret
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This morning while I was listening to the radio, their topic was about confessing your biggest mistake. While listeners call in and confess their dirtiest sex deeds, I was all quiet while I contemplate on my biggest mistake.
I killed my baby back in collage. You got it right, I had an abortion. That's my best kept secret and my biggest mistake.
I can't remember how I got the courage to do it but of course my confusion and desperation was the biggest factors. I was suppose to graduate on March but on February, I finally confirmed that I am almost a month pregnant. I was so scared. I was scared of what will my boyfriend say, at what will my parents say and how will my life go about after this. I was living a life most would envy; being able to buy the stuff that I need and even the ones I don't really need, being independent except that my parents are sending me money, being able to study at one of the most prestigious universities in the country and being able to do ALL that I want. I just came from my asian trip when I found out so the picture of my parent's horror to this news was on my thoughts. Imagine them having to spend thousands of dollars just to send me off on a vacation with friends and when I come home, i'm preggers.
I was just counting days before I graduate and make my own money and be 100% independent. I mean there's a whole lot difference when you got pregnant while you are still in school and when you got pregnant but have a stable job.
I also didn't know how to tell the news to my boyfriend as he was also still studying at the time and he and his parents have plans to migrate to some country. So having a baby is really way out of his plans.
Most importantly, I was scared for myself. I have a very good reputation and people look up to me. I was scared of my life after the baby. There was a bright future awaiting for me. My dream job, a high paying job was just waiting for me to graduate and this job requires me to be single and without a baby.
All in all, I don't need a baby during the time. It was really out of my plans.
I finally broke the news to my boyfriend and at first, he was considering the baby. I honestly told him my thoughts about the issue and he told me that it could've been better if we had the baby at a much later time. Considering all our worries, we finally decided to try and find an alternative approach to our problem. And so we did. We found a doctor to help us. After talking to the doctor, we find ways on how to get the money to pay the doctor. Being students, the money the doctor was asking was inconsiderable on our part but of course, we we're determined to find the money or our whole life will be on the line.
We asked our parents for the money telling them that we need to finance some project at school and what not. Then, off we go to the doctor. After the operation, we rushed to his flat. I was bleeding so hard and I was very weak. My boyfriend was the only one who knew what I went through and was the only one who is taking care of me. I thought I was dying because I was so weak, I couldn't even carry myself to walk. I was like a baby who needs to change diapers every now and then but I was not pissing, I was bleeding.
Me and my boyfriend were absent for a week because I was still weak and my boyfriend was taking care of me. After that, we lived a normal life. As if nothing as bad and as scarry as that happened. Up to this time, me and my boyfriend are still together trying to live a better life, trying not to commit mistakes like this.
It's funny how I look back and realize that I once went through that and how I once thought of a baby as a problem and not a blessing. I just hope that God will still grant me and my boyfriend a baby when we're 100% ready. And I hope that my baby or my siblings or any of my loved ones will not go through the same mistake. I hope to be there for anyone who is going through the same experience and be able to shed some light to them so they can live a more holistic life. It's so hard to live with guilt in your heart.
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Posted by uhoh on 2008-04-23 21:07:12 | Rating: | Views: 76
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Learn From Yesterday
Live For Today
Hope For Tomorrow
Welcome to thoughts, uhoh. I admire the bravery and honesty in your words. While I have never had an abortion there are things, in my past, that I feel guilty about as well. Life is a learning experience ... we do what we know ... when we know more we do better. The quote below has helped me in those times when I'm dwelling on the past and experiencing feelings of regret. Be gentle and kind with yourself. God is more patient and kind than we could ever imagine. May your spirit and soul find peace. Peace & Love To You
God does not want you to mope around defeated. He wants you to get up and move on. Not only does God forgive you, but He chooses not to remember your mistakes. If somebody keeps bringing up negative incidents from your past, you know that's not God. You may have done some things you're not proud of, but when you asked God to forgive you, He washed those things away. Furthermore, He doesn't even keep a record of it. He's not going to flip back through His files one day and say, "Oh, wait a minute. I found something on your record back there in 2005. I can't bless you."
No, as far as God is concerned, you don't even have a past. It's forgiven and gone. You are ready for a great present and a bright future. God let go of the past. The question is: Will you let it go? Will you quit remembering what God has chosen to forget?
From:
"Daily Readings from Your Best Life Now -
90 Devotions for Living at Your Full Potential"
Author: Joel Osteen
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-04-24 11:51:12
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uhoh
Maharashtra, India
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