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| Round 1 - Here goes nothing!
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Having never blogged for myself before, I'm not sure how this will go, and I'm hoping to feel comfortable just spilling it to a world where no one is looking me in the eye and trying to read my innermost thoughts. Sure, I've written blogs before, but it's been a paid assignment to fulfill the need for specific topics, and I've never had the freedom to ramble on regarding whatever happened to be pressing on my overburdened mind at the time. So, here is my first attempt at throwing myself upon the mercy of an invisible audience.
I bare my soul today in saying that I think I've reached a point in my life that I cannot handle. I seem to have finally bitten off more than I can chew, and the level of stress with which I'm dealing is crushing me to the point that I'm about to shatter into a million pieces. I quit my day job of 7 years in March, relieving a great deal of stress and allowing me to finally pursue the dream of writing full time. I began working from home, and it was great - except that I was starved for human contact.
So, I started working part time at a little wine boutique that my husband and I adore, simply to get out of the house a few hours a week. It was a little difficult to keep up with both AND keep the house clean (I have two large dogs that shed constantly!), but it was manageable. The problem came when I discovered a passion I never knew I had.
Now, I've been reading since I was 2 1/2 years old, and I've read avidly - enjoying all sorts of books but preferring suspense novels and some romance. This time, though, I ran across something that struck me like a hammer to the head of a nail, with a driving force that rendered me speechless with excitement. It was about an investigator who was actually a criminal profiler and forensic psychologist. I had never had any interest in law or criminal justice, but criminal profiling intrigued me to a degree that I couldn't remember ever experiencing for anything, besides my passion for writing (since I was 4).
So, I started doing research and found a school offering bachelor degrees in forensic psychology and ran to sign up. Now, mind you, I hate school, and I especially despise a structured classroom, but for this, I was willing to sacrifice the idea of a fully online college setup to achieve my newfound goal as a criminal profiler. I even signed on for $36,000 more debt in loans in order to do so, on top of the $10,000 still remaining from obtaining my associate degree previously.
Now, mind you, I've only completed the first two courses, but I'm still maintaining my existing 4.0 GPA. I'm a perfectionist, and I intend to do everything in my power to remain at that level. However, I'm already noticing a change in my health and well being. I'm diabetic, and I'm prone to being tired anyway, but lately I've had insomnia and have slept very little. I'm dehydrated all the time, and I stay tense to the point that I find myself clenching my jaw until it causes pain throughout my entire head and neck.
I think I may have taken on too much at this point in my life, and I'm wondering if I can really juggle everything - writing full time, working at a retail store 15-20 hours a week, going to school for 12 credit hours, AND keeping the house clean. On top of that, I've been having extensive dental work that costs a lot of money AND time, and I'm about to start some special treatment for my diabetes, another drain on both accounts.
Maybe some advice is in order, or maybe I just need to calm down. Maybe it's time to slow down somewhere and reevaluate my goals, determining what's most important to me and dropping everything else. I don't know; all I know is that I find myself crying more often and much more easily, erupting in anger at my husband, who mostly doesn't deserve such an attitude, and feeling tired and even a little depressed all the time. I'm overwhelmed by my situation, and it's affecting all areas of my life to the point that I'm not happy.
I don't know what the next step is, but hopefully with a little feedback from readers, I'll get a suggestion or two that help me out and my next attempt at this will be a little more invigorating and less of a downer for readers!
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Posted by txblondie on 2007-10-30 20:48:48 | Rating: | Views: 89
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Ok, good morning. We are going to have a great jump today. Now, do you have your exit buddy? Be sure you have your exit buddy. Now grab on to him, and here we go...
A lil random Finding Nemo moment about sky diving brought on by the start of your statement. Then I got to the part about the husband and dogs and house and perfectionism overload. I think you are lucky to just be married. If not for that, you would have no anchor and be cast to the sea of your many interests without a grounding force. You barely make mention of him as you stress about the other things. So, he is not a concern; he is your rock.
But, clearly, you are a more successful me tackling way more than I could. I cracked under far less pressure but also being a perfectionist. I wanted a 4.0--but only was able to experience that in grade school. And, everyone said I was so smart. After learning about astrology, I realize there was a misunderstanding and that I am not as smart as people seemed to expect of me. But, what is so pathetic is that I cannot even face the pressures of most people. While, YOU are tackling so many things...and its taking its toll. If you cannot see the red light flashing, then either you are blind or you vent for no reason. IMO, I would say you need to lighten the load. But, for all I know, you might just be blowing hot air.
Think about it.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2007-10-30 21:07:03
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Some sense in what Brainstormer is saying girl. I once went back to University while holding down a full time job and helping my wife and kids at the same time.....result?...yeah I got the degree with good grades but I lost the woman....you could try this..make a list of the top 10 things you value most (including future hopes), now reduce that list to your top 5 and finally reduce this to your top three in ascending order....when you then write down your plan to focus on these three things include the most important two parts of the day...30 minutes of quiet solitude time in a peaceful place...relax and just breathe slow...learn meditation or something like it...and then 30 minutes in the arms of the one you love. I think you need that more than a degree in a discipline in which you may never work. Stay cool and have a good one.
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Posted by 2rivers
on 2007-10-31 01:21:47
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Wow! And I thought I had a lot on my plate! 2rivers has great advice. You sound like you have thought most of this through yourself; you are just looking for some validation. Do you need the job at the retail store? You mentioned it was just to get out of the house. The schooling now fills that gap. Does the house have to be clean? I know the perfectionism will rise up to answer that, but can you keep it in check with a healthy, realistic attitude that you can't do it all? Some food for thought.
Deb
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Posted by debwrkn4jesus
on 2007-10-31 20:56:25
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And, if all that doesn't work, SOMEONE go to her house and throw dirt around:P Push that crazy OCD:P
Thanks for the support, 2rivers:P
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2007-11-03 23:12:16
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