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| Taller than ever before... |
So...it feels as if just a couple of days ago I was three feet tall. It feels as if somehow in this confusing world I lived to be a junior. Almost sixteen years of life has gone by, and it feels as if it has been forever, and as if it had only been one day. Right now I'm just doing what I always do, day after day, worrying about this, unhappy about that... But I know that I haven't really been doing this for that long. I used to have fun, my only concern being whether or not we got dessert that night, or how many days until my birthday or Christmas. Then I started worrying about friends, because I started losing them all, one by one. I then realized I had almost no one by my side, so I got angry.. I lived a lot of my life angry, lashing out at everyone I could, including myself. Then I started to notice that everyone else around me was angry too. My own sister hated me, my mom was sick and I wasn't helping. That made me even more angry. I figured that I was the only one who could be. My mom and I grew further and further apart, fought much more often. Then my mom died, and that was the final straw. I had to grow up really fast, and I didn't want to, so I kept doing what I knew how to do, being completely apathetic, fighting when necessary, knowing exactly what to say to bring someone down to my level. The complete apathy of that time period caused me to attempt suicide, but luckily it hadn't worked out as planned. Then I moved. I started worrying about friends again, making sure I didn't lose them. I was relishing being the new girl. Everyone liked me. I felt good. Then the newness wore off, but I clung to it. I had found my niche already though, and that's all that matters. I loved friends more than anything. More than family, more than music, more than myself. I didn't care who they were, if they hung out with me, I considered them a friend, whether a crappy one or not.
Now what am I worrying about? Stuff I've never given much thought to. I think about only my good friends now, and people I'd like to get to know better. I'm starting over with my family, repairing bonds when I can, slowly but surely. I worry about grades, and my GPA. I care about college, something I never thought I'd live to experience. I feel more responsible. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I'm kind of okay with it. It's new to me. But I think I can get used to it.
It surprised me this morning. When I got out of bed, I felt extremely tall. Like someone on stilts. A giant. Like someone who had suddenly grown more than a foot during the night. It's a weird feeling....
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Posted by tryfortruth on 2009-07-04 15:04:22 | Rating: | Views: 43
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