I accidentally decided to take today off from school. It started off with my decision to miss only my first class and make it to the second, but when i woke up, I decided that I wasn't really in the mood for Accounting either, so I'd just wake up in time for my Quant class. And then I overslept, and could only possibly make it to my last class, so I said fuck it.
I've been doing this a lot over the past several weeks, which is especially disappointing to me, because normally the depression hits in the MIDDLE of the semester, and then I spend the rest of the semester playing catch-up. No, I was pretty solid all semester - I really thought this was going to be the one where I kept my shit together all throughout.
Instead, I got a little bit lazy, and it started to feel like my world was crashing down... and I fell behind. First of all, my relationship was in trouble. If it wasn't one problem, it was another. (I'm sure I'll get more into detail with that another time.) Then, at the beginning of April, I was diagnosed with a high-risk strain of HPV, which I most likely acquired from said relationship. Yeah, I know, not the worst thing in the world, and not the worst STD I could have. But as a 23 year-old free-spirited sexually active girl, this was terrible news. In my head, I was thinking that my only options were to stay with AJ, be single, or search for another monogomous relationship. I wouldn't in my right mind be able to play around with a guy that didn't know, and who would want to hook up with a diseased girl?
Thinking about it more rationally, it's really not the end of the world, because it's very unlikely to be spread through anything other than unprotected sex, and condoms are just fine with me. But I had a real good feeling at that point that AJ needed to go. Not necessarily because of that, but more because I was beginning to feel like nothing good had come from being with him. I don't feel like I've grown as a person because of him at all, I don't feel like he's taught me anything... I only feel like he's made my life harder, which is sad, considering how much he loves me. Really, I had become convinced that despite his feelings, we weren't right for each other at this point in time.
This was the straw that broke the camel's back: Saturday night, we had been arguing about something stupid, and I made it very clear that I needed a good night's sleep - I had a huge test scheduled for Sunday that was going to affect my entire military career - and that this argument CANNOT keep me from sleeping, because otherwise I would just sleep at home. So we went to be relatively early... and for a good few hours, EVERYTHING kept waking me up - the cat was attacking my feet, it was too hot in the room, AJ kept getting up... At one point, I woke up to hear the shower going, and then woke up again when he came back in the room. So I got up, infuriated, and went home, crying the entire way because I was absolutely terrified that I was going to be too tired on Sunday and fail the test.
Well, I failed the test, which means (unless I beg my commander for one more chance and he agrees) that I need to find another career field and go back to tech school for training. I'm pretty devastated. Anyway, I don't really think it was because I was too tired, more that I studied the wrong material. But failing the test had me pissed off just enough to finally break up with him like I had wanted to for some time now.
So I did, and we both cried for a little while. But then, at some point, the night turned good, and he was actually the one who talked me into trying to convince my commander to let me try again. He even told me he would make sure I pass this time. I told the commander that I'd be in on Wednesday to talk about my options, and I've decided that I'm going to plead my case as hard as I can. The worst he can say is no.
In the meantime, I think I'm going to stay casual friends with AJ. I wasn't even going to do that - I was going to cut him off completely so we could get over each other and move on with our lives ASAP. But he was so sweet yesterday, and despite our troubles, he's always been a great guy. So I figure that keeping him around, even at a distance, would be a good idea.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. Thanks for reading.
